Mammo-Mia! I Got My First Mammogram!

NOTE: There be bewbs ahead! Maybe save this one for after work.


*****

I don't know about you, fellow anxiety warriors, but for me any new body pain sends my brain sprinting towards Worse Case Scenario Valley. So of course when my left armpit and arm gave the slightest of aches the other week, it was RED ALERT ALL HANDS ON PANIC.

You might recall I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome: a pinched nerve in the clavicle area that causes arm and hand numbness and pain. You might also remember my left arm is worse than my right. After months of treatment the numbness is mostly gone, but I still get occasional aches. So, logically, that is the likely culprit.

Does my panicky lizard brain appreciate logic, though?

Ooooof course not.

Adding to the freshly whipped panic smoothie was that we recently adjusted some of my hormone meds, so for the first time in ages, my tracts of land kinda hurt. I am not used to this. I do not like it.

I'd had a breast ultrasound last year, but never an actual mammogram. Like a lot of you with upper acreage, the idea of a mammogram scared the crap out of me. I'd heard the horror stories, and even watched my mom get the squeeze when I was a teenager. Mom has an insanely high pain tolerance, so she barely flinched, but seeing her boobs smashed that flat was traumatizing, ok?

Noooo, second-hand flashbacks...

That said, pain and panic are powerful motivators, and lucky for me a routine mammogram is one of the few medical things here in Orlando that doesn't have a months-long wait. Our imaging clinic had a spot for me in two days, and not only that, they had me in, scanned, and out in under 20 minutes.

Better still, I am relieved and delighted to report IT DIDN'T HURT, y'all. It really didn't! I was still waiting for the "real" pressure to start when the tech said we were done with the first scan. We did three compressions on each side (I assume because it was my first mammo) and each felt like a firm hug between plastic plates, no more, even on my already-tender poofs. I have a low pain tolerance, but I only felt a single uncomfortable pinch during one pass, which I think was more the top plate snagging too much chest skin than the actual squeeze.

Since then I've discovered the reason for my less painful experience may have been the machine. My clinic uses a 3D mammography machine, something not every lab has yet. Our moms had the older 2D machines, and if you remember a super smashy mammogram, it's possible that's what you had, too.

Both 2D and 3D machines look similar, but the 3D ones move in a half circle over you during the scan:

According to everything I'm seeing online these are superior to the 2D scans, with more angles and better imaging, less compressions, and fewer false-positives. They're also better for dense tissue, a plus since that runs in my family.

The older 2D machines are static, and do NOT move during the scan. So if you don't remember the machine moving on its own, then you had a 2D mammogram.

The Thought Process Of Everyone Walking On A Treadmill For The First Time In A Long Time

OK, just gotta set a nice brisk pace... there we go.

Ahh, see, this isn't so bad!

Yep, it's good to stretch the ol' legs. Mmm.

Really, I don't see why I don't do this every day.

Heck, I should get one of those treadmill desks! I could do that.

I mean, I don't even notice I'm walking here! This is easy! I could go for hours!

Oooh, imagine if I walked my entire work day. They say sitting is the new cigarettes.

Man, if I walked all day I would lose so much weight. I bet I could even fit into those jeans again.

Look at me! I already feel healthier!

That's it, I'm gonna research a treadmill desk. Then I'm gonna walk on it ALL DAY. Every time I'm at the computer, or watching TV: all walking. It'll be the new me! I can do this!

[.....]

See, here I've been walking at least an hour, and it's like nothing. I'm barely tired!

Well, maybe a little tired.

But that's normal, this is a workout, after all. I'll build up to the all-day thing. Maybe start with just 6 hours a day. Yeah.

Humm. Yep. Six hours a day. Cool cool cool.

Oof, it's getting a little warm. Better turn up the fan...

That's better.

So maybe I'll have a few breaks during the all-day walking thing, just to cool off. Gotta work towards a goal, right? So like, two hours at a time, a little break, then back on again. Easy peasy.

FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE, baby! Right here!

I can't wait to wear those jeans again. Oooh, and I should buy those shoes I saw last week to go with them. Yaaasss. Just a little reward, you know, for taking all these healthy steps.

"Healthy steps." Aheheheh snerk.

[......]

Do I like kale?

[.....]

Eh, with all this walking, probably not necessary.

[.....]

I bet I could run a marathon. You know, eventually.

Not that I'd want to. But I could.

[....]

Whoa, my leg just went a little wobbly. Yikes.

I guess I am kind of tired. I'll keep going just a few more minutes.

[...]

Ug.

I really want to sit down now.

Why is it so hot in here?

Are my calves cramping? Is this what a blood clot feels like?

Screw it, that's enough physical activity for one day.

But hey, this was a good start! I did the thing! Yeah!

I'm so proud of me.

In fact, I'm gonna take a picture of the display. Gotta show Mom how long I walked! She'll never believe it! Hee!

Let's see... I think the timer display is this button...

::beep beep beep::

WAIT WHAT

*****

Written by the gal who does own a treadmill desk, but still has this inner dialogue every. single. time.

*****

Hey, need anything at Amazon? Like maybe that pair of shoes to go with those jeans? 'Cuz if you use my links to shop, it helps support the site: USA, UK, Canada 

Thanks, gang!

My Favorite Low FODMAP Meals & A One Year Update

I'm getting close to my one year anniversary with the Low FODMAP diet, so I thought I'd share an update! This will be massively uninteresting unless your stomach hurts all the time, so apologies in advance. :D

Of course I'm not a doctor or expert, so here's the usual disclaimer: never trust anything I say without doing your own research. (Monash University invented the diet, so start there. Then download the $8 Monash app for your phone, because it's worth it.) Most of what I've learned is pretty standard stuff, though, so I'm not going to throw anything crazy at you.

I'm feeling even better since my first (and only?) mention of Low FODMAP here last July. I can still say Low FODMAP has saved me from a life of constant stomach pain, plus a whole battery of invasive GI tests. It's also fairly easy to try and a low financial commitment, so I *highly* recommend it if you're hurting. I still have setbacks when I slip up and eat something I shouldn't - and I'll be honest, those setbacks hurt more than they did before I started LF - but overall I feel pretty great, and I can eat a lot more now than you'd think. I can even eat at a lot of restaurants!

In case you're not familiar with it, Low FODMAP is an elimination diet meant to treat all forms of IBS and GI discomfort, like reflux. It is NOT a weight loss diet. It helps you ID what types of foods cause you pain, and then avoid them. Boom bada boom.

On paper you're only supposed to be strictly LF for about 6 weeks, then you start re-introducing problem foods one at a time. I stayed in the elimination phase for 6 months, which is NOT recommended, but I was both lazy & hit a lot of setbacks. In fact I'm *still* in the re-introduction phase, so I haven't tested some foods like honey or garlic yet. I'll get to them eventually, but for now I've cleared my highest priority foods, wheat and avocado, so I'm pretty content.

 (John says this post needs more pictures. How'd I do?)

One important thing you should know is that FODMAPs are not allergens. I'm not allergic to my trigger foods, I'm simply intolerant of them. There's a big difference. It means a tiny bit of your trigger food usually won't cause a bad reaction. (Contrast that with a gluten allergy, where even cross-contamination is a danger.) FODMAPs are more about the level of exposure and how much you eat. That's not true for everyone, of course, but overall it helps to remember this when you're feeling overwhelmed: This is not an allergy. It's OK if you miss a little something sometimes. Just do your best and odds are you'll still find relief.

I mention this because I've seen too many people get overwhelmed by all the restrictions and quit before they even start. Research and preparation is great, but you can get stuck there, and the more you read about all the stuff you CAN'T eat, the more intimidated you'll get. So my advice? Just start. You don't need a month of meal plans; you only need today's.

 

I have one friend in particular who keeps telling me she wants to try Low FODMAP, so I thought I'd take you through what I typically eat each day. These are my "safety meals," and the menu I go back to anytime I've had a bad reaction to something. I'm eating these right now because two days ago I rather cavalierly threw a bunch of mushrooms on my salad at a restaurant buffet, along with a bunch of other stuff I didn't look too closely at, and I've been in pain ever since. Oops.

I don't think I ever really believed a little food could cripple a person, but I spent most of yesterday afternoon in the fetal position. Trust me, once you understand which foods do that to you, there is ZERO temptation to cheat.

Everything I'm about to show you is Low FODMAP, and - to my knowledge - safe to eat during the elimination phase. I'll also include my favorite take-out options and some of our easy at-home dinners. Hopefully these will make getting started seem a little less scary. :)

Breakfast:

I eat this breakfast bowl from Aldi every. single. morning.

Is it soul-crushing to eat the same breakfast every day? Yes. Is it worth it? SO MUCH YES. Before I found these bowls I had to make my own breakfast every day, which often just didn't happen. When I had the energy I'd make this, though:

A little more tasty, but 1000% more effort.

In addition to eggs, cheese, potatoes, and (onion-free) sausage or bacon, you can also eat wheat-free toast with certain types of jelly or peanutbutter, and even some kinds of oatmeal. (Always consult the Monash app; a lot of oatmeal is not Low FODMAP.) So there are plenty of breakfast options.

Lunch:

Panic Victories, Cabbages, and Kings

I posted this yesterday on Facebook to my closest circle of friends, but after I did, it occurred to me it applies here, too:

(Yes, I *am* wearing a Knights Who Say Ni helmet in a tank top for my profile pic. WHAT.) 

The week I'm referring to was on our first book tour, when John came down with a deadly combo of  pneumonia and a bacterial staph infection. I did a show while he was in the E.R., before we realized how serious it was, but after that is a haze of terror and helplessness and aching, soul-stabbing loneliness.

I started Epbot about 7 months later, I think in some ways because I *did* feel so alone that week. While there was an incredible outpouring of support and love from the Cake Wrecks community, with readers driving out of their way to bring me things at my hotel, and sending messages and offers of help, there was also a wall there. Not an intentional one, of course; it's just we didn't know each other. They knew I liked to write funny stuff, I knew they liked to read it. Beyond that, the rest was a guessing game.

With Epbot I set out to create a place where, among other things, I could be myself and just talk to people. And ideally, have them talk back. About silly stuff. About fandom stuff. Of struggles and triumphs and inspirations - of cabbages and kings!

I got all that in spades.

Today, most of my closest friends I've met through this blog. Some were fans who asked for a meetup, others were artists or cosplayers I featured on roundups. Some I've only met IRL a few times, others I get to see every month. But all of them found something in common with me, chose to express it, and have made my life so much richer.

Even those of you I don't know yet, I feel like I know, at least a little. From what I hear on meetups, I think you feel the same. We have these commonalities, you see. Not everything, of course - that'd be boring - but enough to bring us together. Enough to cheer each other on.


 Yesterday John and I had a meetup at Diagon Alley in Universal. Not unusual; we do these a lot.

Why yes, I WILL use this excuse to post a few pics from my phone.

This was a particularly lovely one, though, because right up front Chelsea admitted she was nervous meeting me, so I got to confess that I was nervous, too. Not over the meeting, but because I'd decided that maybe that was the day I could finally, after years of hoping and trying and failing - finally get myself on the ride E.T.

You're laughing now, but my agoraphobia has prevented me from going on rides for around 5 years now. It's an irrational nuisance, a fear-monster I've been working to tame. Two years ago I conquered the kiddy Dr. Suess ride, but anything that locked me in, that lifted off the ground or sailed into water, has been off-limits - and of course that's nearly all of them.

E.T. was my holy grail, because I hadn't been on it since I was a kid, and because I was afraid it would close before I could work up the courage. Yes, I, a grown woman, was afraid of the E.T. ride.

I've been working on my exposure therapy, though, while continuing to get my thyroid and hormone issues in check. Several months ago I went on the boat ride in The Land. Before that I made it through the queue of E.T. - a big step, since they lock you in a room first - before ducking out at the end with shaky, sweaty palms. And often at night, before I went to sleep, I would imagine myself on the ride, the darkness and the height and the restraint bars, until the fear loosened ever-so-slightly.

So I'd been doing my homework, and I felt, finally, ready. All I needed now was moral support, a pinch of distraction, and maybe even a scosh of peer pressure.

I told Chelsea this - well, an abbreviated version - when we first met, and later that day, just before the park closed, she and her hubby Nate insisted on accompanying me and John to the ride.

We told them they didn't have to. There were other things they'd rather do, and we told them to go do those instead. But they spent their precious vacation time to come with us, chatting and laughing, and then they rode E.T. with me, and you guys, I rode E.T., I did it, and though I shook quite a bit and gripped those handlebars 'til my knuckles went white and I very nearly panicked, I didn't panic. I went right to that edge, and came back safe and sound. I can't say it was fun, not yet, but I can see how it might be again someday - and just that is something I couldn't imagine even a few months ago.

I know a theme park ride is a silly victory, I do, but it's a marker of so much more. Last week I sat comfortably through a community play. Bad traffic doesn't bother me anymore. Neither do elevators or movies. A month ago - and this one stings to admit - I successfully drove by myself for the first time in over two years, and it was actually fun. Best of all, I did all of these things without Xanax.

While I'm proud, let me be clear: It's not mind-over-matter. It's not that I have better or stronger willpower. It's proper health care and treatment and medication, combined with a few mental and breathing techniques for fine-tuning. After years of searching for the right doctors and tests, my Hashimoto's is mostly under control, I do spine stretches to relieve "computer hunch," and most recently I've been correcting some imbalances with prescription hormones - all issues that have triggered and exacerbated my panic. It's been such a long, tedious journey, but now, almost a decade after my panic switched on overnight, I can almost imagine a life without it. Almost. That. is. HUGE.

I'm telling you all this because I want you to know there is hope, and because this isn't a private victory. Whether you're aware of it or not, you've helped me get here. This community is helping me take back what agoraphobia has stolen from me. So it was only fitting that Chelsea and Nate were there with me at E.T., even if they, too, didn't know how much they were helping. (I managed not to cry after; just stood there grinning and shaking. That's another little battle won.)

Thanks to this community, I don't have to face the monsters alone. And neither do you.

Oh, and since I believe every victory deserves its spoils, check it out - I got myself a battle trophy:

I took this on a nearby bench while the rest of the group went on the Simpsons ride. (Baby steps - I'll get to more rides eventually.) You know I'm giddy when I resort to taking selfies. [shudder]

My new E.T. plush stands next to my monitor, a reminder of triumphs and home and friends I haven't met yet, and also that when the really hard times come, next time, I won't have to face them alone.

Fist bumps all round, y'all. We did good.

How I Wear My Corset (aka, Everday Corset Looks!)

Wow, it's hard to believe it's been a year and a half since my post on wearing an "every day" corset!

That post generated a lot of interest at the time, so I thought I might do a little update for you guys. I'll include some shopping links, what I've learned since, and even a few of my favorite corset outfit selfies, just to give you an idea of how to wear one without looking like you came from a Ren Fair.

First up, yes, I still wear a corset regularly, averaging about a week to ten days of every month, for around 8-10 hours a day.  I try to put it on as soon as I feel the first tell-tale ache of impending uterine jerkiness, and it never fails to reduce (or eliminate almost entirely) my menstrual pain. Once or twice I've even staggered out of bed in the middle of the night to lace one on, the pain was so great, and was astounded to find a corset helps even when I'm in a full-on Cramp Fest O' Agony.

 

Beyond mere pain control, there are days when I just feel like wearing a corset. I can't explain why, but some days I crave the supportive swaddling of it, and - knock on wood - it doesn't cause my anxiety to spike anymore. (Initially there was a mild "trapped" feeling that triggered my agoraphobia.)

Some anxiety sufferers claim a corset feels like a comforting hug, and I'm *almost* to the point where I understand what they mean, but I've still never felt any calmer wearing one. More comfortable, yes, but calmer, no.

Of course corsets make you look better, shape-wise, but that's never been my motivation in wearing one. I wear it because it feels nice, and 95% of the time, the only ones who see me in these outfits are John and the cats.

Now, let's talk BUYING corsets.

An Everyday Geek Girl Tries An "Everyday" Corset

About a year ago I accidentally discovered that a corset can drastically reduce menstrual cramps. (I even blogged about it - remember?) I was cosplaying at the time, and spent a blissful 8 hours or so pain free - until the moment I removed the corset, when I almost immediately doubled over in agony.

After that experience (and a lot of research) I bought one of those stretchy Spanx-like "body slimmers" to wear during crampy days. It definitely helped, but it just wasn't tight enough. I found myself folding it over into a smaller and smaller band, trying to get that extra snug fit right around my lower abdomen. It never stayed put, though, so I was constantly tugging at it and re-adjusting. Not good.

My cosplay corset was an overbust style, and not really practical for wearing around the house. (But by all means, enjoy the mental image of me in my Lady Vadore corset with sweat pants. :D)

So I set out to find an affordable "everyday" corset.

Which was really, REALLY hard. Seriously. They're all satin & strappy this or bondage that. Nothing practical or meant to be used as actual, you know, underwear.

Eventually I stumbled across Lucy's Corsetry, a fantastic resource for all things corset-y.

Lucy has about a bajillion video reviews of all the major corset brands, and over at her website she has helpful lists of corset sellers broken down by price range, style, dimensions, etc. It's a little overwhelming for newbies like me, but after several hours of research and meandering, I decided to buy this simple cotton underbust from Orchard Corset:

Lucy also has discount codes for some websites, so with her 15% off this corset costs a little over $60. (A great price for a decent quality corset.) The cotton breathes, and the underbust style lets you wear your own bra, which is a bonus - 'cuz we all know how important wearing the right size bra is now, right?

[Note: This particular corset is made for those of us with less curve. If you've been blessed with more of an hourglass shape, then try this style.]

I'm obviously pretty open-minded about corseting, but before I go on I'd be remiss if I didn't mention there are definitely WRONG ways to corset, so please do your research. For example, my chiropractor was dead set against my wearing one, because he believes it could weaken my back muscles. Since I only wear it for relatively short periods of time, though, I don't think that's a major concern. I also have no intention of getting into the extreme body modification areas of corsetry, since I'm pretty grossed out by the disturbingly tiny waists of the 24-hour tight-lacing crowd.

via 

[shudder]

Ok, safety caveats aside, lemme tell you about my past few months with a real, honest-to-goodness, "everyday" corset - that I don't wear everyday.

It's awesome.

Here's why:

Comfort for Cramps:

I had some really severe menstrual cramping this month, but I only needed a single dose of Tylenol the whole week, and no hot packs at all! I just tighten this sucker up and the stabbing agony subsides to an almost comfortable dull ache. I tug the corset down so it sits a little lower than usual for cramps, too, which feels much better - and more importantly, it doesn't budge!

Improved Posture:

In addition to the crampy days, sometimes I wear the corset while I'm working. This is because, despite my having a perfect ergonomic setup at my desk, I still manage to slump, twist, and cross my legs most of they day. I catch myself making a perfect C with my spine more often than not, hunched over the keyboard and jutting my head forward like a turtle.

The corset stops all that.

The inflexible steel busk in front prevents me from hunching forward, and makes it just uncomfortable enough that I never cross my legs, forcing me to keep my feet on my little footstool instead. Being more aware of my posture also helps me remember to keep my shoulders and head back a bit more, too, so it's a win all 'round.

The corset won't let me slump on the couch as much, either, although I can still sit comfortably, even with my legs tucked up beside me. (Like I said, I'm not a tight-lacer.)

I understand now why antique furniture is so uncomfortable, though; you definitely need a smaller seat and a harder back rest when wearing a corset. Fortunately we just got new couches that are pretty firm and not too deep, though, so I can just tuck a pillow behind my back and do just fine.

Confidence:

It's not false modesty when I say I have almost no waist to speak of. My torso just doesn't go "in" - if anything, it curves out in the middle, like a ball. I've made peace with my shape, but clothes shopping has long been more of a defensive maneuver than anything remotely resembling "fun." Every t-shirt needs an over shirt, every dress needs a cardigan, and every skirt needs a long tunic top & extra wide belt - all designed to hide, hide, hide.

But - BUT! - last month I bought a cute orange dress, and thanks to this corset, I actually like the way I look in it:

#NoMakeupSelfie :D

With the corset I'm freed from over shirts and cardigans - a godsend when it's 95 degrees out, believe me - and discovering that I CAN have a waist even inspired me to try wearing shorts again for the first time in more years than I can remember:

 Look at me! I'M WEARING SHORTS!!

(Ok, so I never actually left the house in them, but still. Progress.)

Then I went completely hog-wild and wore leggings as pants. I know, I know - I'm ashamed of myself, too. I only wore them around the house, though, and boy HOWDY did John like it. o.0

 Think corsets = discomfort? Think again. I'm about ready for a slumber party in this outfit.
(Now everyone say "Hi, Lily!")

Have I mentioned that significant others are likely to appreciate your corseted shape, too? 'Cuz they are. And while I don't think that's a good reason to lace up, it's not a bad side benefit.

Now let's talk nitty-gritty details, since I'm sure a lot of you have the same questions I did. You'll find the basic how-tos at any corset site, of course, but here's what I've learned from personal experience:

 

Is it comfortable?

Once you're used to the pressure, and assuming you're wearing it properly, then yes, very! There's a stabilizing, elegant feel to it, too, which makes you carry yourself better - and that in turn can also make you feel better.

You're supposed to wear your corset over something, so it never touches your skin. This helps keep it clean (you can't machine wash a corset, and even dry-cleaning is tricky), and also more comfortable. I like to wear mine over simple cotton dresses, or over a t-shirt worn with a thin skirt. (Jeans are too bulky, unless you want to button them over the corset.)

I've never had a problem with the corset being too hot, but to be fair, I haven't worn it outside for more than a few minutes, and I tend to be chilly in the A/C.

How restrictive is it?

I can move a lot more than I expected, even laced as tight as I can comfortably make it. I can pick things off the floor without a twinge, play with the cats, eat, and walk comfortably on my treadmill desk.

The only real issue with sitting (provided I have a good back rest) is that my tracts of land really rise to the occasion. Heh. It's not uncomfortable; just a little weird to have the girls so much closer to my chin.

Note that I never lace so tightly that I can't breath from my diaphragm, though. There are guidelines for "chest breathing" out there, but the thought of not being able to take a deep breath when I want is panic-inducing, and would of course be a lot less comfortable.

Does it really help with anxiety?

I've read that some people do find corsets help their anxiety, because the pressure is like a supportive hug. I have not found this to be the case, though. In fact, I had to remove my corset several times within the first hour because I felt the exact opposite; like I was somehow trapped, and I kept focusing too much on how deeply I could breathe, no matter how much I loosened the laces.

I've learned to trust my instincts on which days to lace up, and over the months I've found myself quite eager to put on the corset some mornings, while others I know it's best to leave it off. This past week has been the best yet, probably because I've found that the tighter I make the corset, the better I feel (in regards to the cramps), so I haven't had any issues at all with anxiety. If anything, I almost forget I'm wearing it!

Can you put it on yourself?

Yep!  If you want to tight-lace to the extreme then I could see possibly needing help, but then again, I've managed to make mine tight enough that I couldn't quite breathe from my diaphragm, and had to loosen it up again. A quality corset has strong grippy laces & smooth grommets in the back that make self-tightening a breeze. (Check any corset site for how to properly put on a corset, and also how to "season it," - aka, break it in for the first few wearings.)

How long and how often do you wear it?

I've been averaging about 2 or 3 days a week, wearing the corset anywhere from 5 to 10 hours at a time. I never wear the corset to bed.

How do people react when they see you?

I don't leave the house much (please, try not to look so shocked), so I've only worn the corset out once or twice so far, and I honestly don't think anyone even noticed. Since mine is plain black, it almost looks like a vest or wide cincher belt - quite subtle. If you're worried about people staring you can wear the corset under your clothes, of course, but like a good geek shirt, I'm sure a corset can be a fun conversation starter with all the cool people out there. ;)


Since this corset has been such a success for me, I'm on the lookout for more everyday cotton or twill styles. I'd love to find a neutral brown shade, but so far, no luck. I'm open to spending more for a custom order, but there are just so many sellers to choose from! So if any of you more experienced corseters have advice, please share in the comments!


Ok, guys, what'd I miss? Ask your questions in the comments, and I'll do my best to answer them!

Can A Corset Cure Cramps?

I've debated writing this post for a little while now, but at this point I figure I've discussed everything from my OB-GYN visits to my bra size with you guys, so hey, why not?

[Note: Gentlemen, there is nothing in this post that speaks to your interests, unless of course your interests include a lady friend who suffers from menstrual cramps. You have been warned.]

So here's the deal: back when I last cosplayed as Lady Vadore, I was unfortunately right smack in the midst of my womanly miseries*. I've always struggled with severe cramps and PMS and all the joys that go with them, so you can imagine how I felt that morning when I crawled out of bed and contemplated the Dreaded Corset.

[*If you read that fast it looks like "womanly miniseries." Ha!]

I was already in pain, but I gritted my teeth, swallowed two Tylenol, and had John lace me in. (OOPH.) I did have him loosen it quite a bit, though.

Within minutes I was feeling much better, but of course I attributed that to the pain pills. 

"I feeeel happyyyy!"

That day I went about seven hours in costume, and I felt fantastic - no pain at all, even long after the Tylenol should have worn off. I was too distracted to think much of it, though, until we were packing up at the car to go home that evening. Since it's mighty uncomfortable to sit in a car that long laced in a tight corset, I swapped it out for a loose overshirt. 

Within approximately three minutes of removing the corset - perhaps sooner - it felt like a sledgehammer hit me right in the gut. I've never had such a sudden onset of menstrual pain in my life, as I literally went from feeling on top of the world to curling into a ball and sobbing in agony. 

Needless to say, this raised a few questions. Namely, does a corset stop cramps, and if so, how or why?

My internet research turned up lots of anecdotal evidence: plenty of ladies claiming corsets *do* stop or help cramps, but nothing more "official" or offering a medical explanation as to why. I also found a lot of links to scammy looking sites pimping something called a "premium beautiful corset" (yes, really) for menstrual pain. There was also a slightly less scammy-looking site selling a compression belt contraption for the same purpose, which seemed to support all the anecdotal evidence.

As to WHY a corset would relieve cramps, all I found were some dire-sounding warnings about corsets stopping menstrual bleeding all together, usually listed in articles bashing corsets as dangerous and unhealthy. On the other hand, there are just as many (if not more) sites defending regular corset-wear as perfectly healthy - assuming you wear them correctly, of course.

So, does compressing your uterus trigger it to stop shedding its lining, or does it alleviate the cramping for some other reason - maybe by just supporting the muscles/organs? Beats me. All I know is that it definitely works. 

How do I know? Well, for the last couple months I've been wearing a tight compression band on the days I start to cramp - and it really, really works, you guys. Happily you don't have to wear a corset, though, or even anything all that tight. All you need is one of these babies:

Those are underbust shapewear camisoles you can find almost anywhere - assuming you don't already have one in your closet - or you can order one off of Ebay for less than $7 with shipping. (I think I found mine at Ross for ten or twelve bucks.)

The one I had kept cutting into my underarms with those straps, so one day I got out the scissors and hacked 'em off. Now it's just a stretchy tube for my abdomen, and I tuck the top edge under my bra band to keep it in place. They also sell "slim belts," though, which are essentially the same thing:

This one is $9 with shipping on ebay. (Note: I know nothing about these sellers, so of course do your own comparison shopping.)

These shapewear pieces are snug but extremely stretchy, so odds are you'll forget you're even wearing them. And even though the very LAST thing you want to do when you're cramping is put on tight-fitting clothing, believe me when I say this will absolutely alleviate some or all of the pain*.
[*Someone just pointed out I sound a little snake-oil huckster-y here; sorry! I should say I *believe* it will help you, but of course everyone is different and there are no guarantees.]

In fact, I've cut down drastically on the amount of pain pills I need each month - last month I think I even skipped them entirely, if you can believe it - thanks to this compression thingy and one other trick I stumbled across online: Magnesium supplements. I take one 200 mg tablet of magnesium citrate the second I start to feel the pain coming on, and then another with each meal and when/if I take any Tylenol, and I could swear it actually prevents the cramps from getting worse. (It looks like there's plenty of evidence to support this, too; here's one from the University of Maryland, for example, or just google "magnesium menstrual cramps" for more.)

You guys might recall that the last time I mentioned my uterus I was gunning for a hysterectomy - solely due to the pain each month -  so believe me when I say this is a HUGE improvement. Fingers crossed it lasts.

Oh, and the only negative side effect to magnesium is that it can be a diuretic/laxative if you take too much of it - but that's actually kind of a good thing for a lot of us around that time, am I right? JUST SAYIN'. (I'm so glad we can have these chats, you guys.) Magnesium is cheap, too, so if nothing else you've got very little to lose by giving it a try!

As with everything concerning your health, though, always do your own research and/or talk to your doctor if you have questions. I can only tell you what's worked for me, and while I don't think either of these suggestions can harm you, again, please do your own research.

Speaking of which, I know there are (at least) several doctors who read Epbot, so if any of you would care to weigh in on this in the comments, I'd love to hear from you! Ditto for any of you regular corset-wearers out there. Let us glory in all our glorious womanhood, my lady friends, and freak out the men-folk with our talk of chocolate-cravings and heavy flows! WOOT WOOT!

Everything You Never Knew You Needed To Know About Bras

I'm about to get as girly as this blog has ever been, guys, so fellas? Yes, you - I know you're out there! Yeah, look, unless you're a guy who likes reading about lady boobs and lingerie, you may want to skip this one. Although I promise to throw in some fun geeky bras every now and then, just to keep it interesting:

Handpainted Starfleet Uniform Bra, $35 from SceeneShoes

See?

Ok, so, the other night I was following a rabbit trail of web links - like you do - and I ended up on this fascinating Reddit forum about bras. And when I say "fascinating," I mean I stayed up until 3AM reading, because holy WOW how did I not know this stuff before?

You know how you always hear that something like 90% of women wear the wrong size bra? I'd heard that, too, but never thought much of it. Sure, my bra straps were constantly falling down and the wires were always jabbing me in the sides and I'd been convinced I was just shaped like a mutant for most of my life, but GOSH DARN IT I WAS ONE OF THE 10% GETTING IT RIGHT. Right?

Wrong.

Did you know that a bra's cup size changes with its band size? So a 34D's cup is a fraction of the size of a 40D's cup? This seems blindingly obvious now, but I promise you I HAD NO IDEA. I think I've just been programmed since my Barbie-playing days that D = ginormous boobs, so I never bothered to think beyond that.

"MARVEL-OUS in Black" Bra, $65 from MeganElizabeth31

More stuff I learned:

- There are something called "sister sizes," or bra sizes that hold equal amounts of mass. For example, a 34D is roughly equal to a 36C, in as far as how much boobage mass they will hold. Here's a handy visual guide of sister sizes, plus other band-to-bust ratios:

It took me about five solid minutes of staring at that graphic to make any sense of it, but once you get it, it's great info to have  - especially if you're in-between band sizes like me.

- If you bend at the waist to adjust yourself with the "scoop & swoop" method, you can INSTANTLY become at least a full cup size bigger. (Hit that link for some impressive, NSFW before-and-after photos.) I tried this, and I can assure you: it totally works.

- There are generally two kinds of breast shapes: full-on-top and full-on-the-bottom. If you're full-on-the-bottom like me, you may have been fooled into thinking a bra's cup size was too large for you, simply because it gaped at the top like so:

NOT SO. Some bras are simply made to fit full-on-the-top ladies, while others fit full-on-the-bottom or both shapes. Head over to Bras I Hate for the whole post explaining the two shapes, plus plenty of helpful visuals like that one.

This next one is one of my favorite bits:

- A lot of armpit flab and folds are actually breast tissue being smashed upward by an ill-fitting bra. Ditto for back folds. So a properly fitted bra could actually eliminate some or all of your arm flab and back folds. (Great example in the 3rd set of photos here.)

Here's the most important take-away, though:

- The vast majority of women are wearing bras that are too big in the band size, and too small (by far) in the cup size.

So after reading this excellent and easy guide for measuring yourself, I decided to measure myself. (It's just two measurements - easy peasy.) Then I plugged in the numbers to the bra calculator she links to and did a quadruple take. Then I went back and measured myself again because there was NO WAY I was the size it claimed. Then I did the numbers manually, using the graph in the same post. Same results.

After the third measuring & calculating I finally gave up and decided to just go bra shopping. The proof is in the pudding, right? (Or in this case, the padding?)

Ok, so now let's get nitty-gritty, girls. LET'S TALK NUMBERS.

For the past few years I've been bumping up my band size, even though my weight has been the same. I could tell something wasn't fitting, what with the wires jabbing me and the gore* floating off my chest, but since I've never had much in the tracts of land department, I figured the band size was the only thing I could increase. So, I went from a 36B to all 38Bs.

[*Technical term! That's the bridge between cups at the front. See? I told you I learned stuff!]

Today I brought home 4 new bras that fit me just about perfectly. They're way more comfortable than my 38Bs, and they look about a million times better, too. Guess what size they are?  

34D.

34 FREAKING D, you guys. And on some of those the cups are a smidge too small, but YOU try finding a 34DD at Ross or Marshall's. (The calculator actually tried to tell me I need a DDD, but since I'd have to order those online I think I'll start with these and reassess in a few months. According to the forum I might need a larger cup size then due to tissue migration, anyway.)

How did I go from a 38B to a 34D? Simple. I put the bra on, bent at the waist, and scooped and adjusted until everything was up front and in place. Then I stood upright and goggled at my new found acreage.

Believe it or not, I really was adjusting each time I suited up in my bras before - but not with the bending-at-the-waist, "scoop & swoop" method. That part is totally key. Turns out gravity is a powerful ally!

You're probably thinking I can't breathe in my new bras, or that they're tight enough to make a Victorian lady gasp. Nope! They're snug, sure, but I can easily fit several fingers under the band. I actually measure exactly 35 inches, so I have to wear the 34s on the last hook - but that's good! See, another thing I learned: you should always buy bras that fit on the *last* hook, so you have room to tighten them as they stretch out over time. Again, that seems so obvious now - so why wasn't I doing it before?!

(Because of the sister-sizes thing, I also picked up two 36C bras. They only fit on the tightest hooks, so they won't last as long as the 34Ds, but they're great for now.)

Another benefit of the smaller bands: there's not as much weight on my shoulder straps. I'm hoping that means the straps won't be falling down as much, although only time will tell.

 Rapunzel Bra Top, $48 by ElectricAveCreations

(I'm not usually one for frilly bras, but seriously: How cute is this?)

Ok, ladies, so now it's your turn: Go measure yourself using this post as a guide. DO IT. Do it now!! Then go try on whatever bra size the post's calculator or graph tells you to.

When you first try the new size on, it will feel too tight in the band and too big in the cup. DON'T PANIC. Just bend and scoop, baby! YEAH! (Sorry. Austin Power's moment.) And don't be surprised if your cups runneth over once you straighten up again!

Believe it or not, I've only scratched the surface of bra anatomy, so you should really head over to that forum, A Bra That Fits, to explore and learn more for yourself. Check the sidebar for all the basics and more helpful guides like what I've listed here. Then go learn about tissue migration, shallow breasts, how to spot a proper fit, and all the rest! I'm telling you, there's at LEAST enough there to keep you reading 'til 3AM.

Oh, and if you're curious how John feels about all this, let's just say he's the one who told me I HAVE to write this post, as a service to all mankind. Ha! He was as skeptical as I was initially, but after seeing my new sizes he's allll smiles.

Please share your own experiences/knowledge in the comments, ladies, and let me know if that measurement system works for you! Also, HUGE shout-out to all the lovely contributors and moderators at A Bra That Fits. I'm not a Redditor, so I'll just say it here: You guys rock! Thank you!