This week John and I went to a friend's birthday dinner that included a bunch of local actors and entertainers - all of whom I was too shy to talk to. Instead I spent the meal basically hiding at the opposite end of the big table with the friends I
did know.
Then came the Dreaded Group Photo, which as the capricious fates and bad restaurant lighting would have it, placed me - and ONLY me - in a blinding spotlight on the very edge of the group, while everyone else was in near total darkness.
It goes without saying, I think, that this was the
worst photo of myself taken in ages. I look like a partially deflated Macy's balloon, y'all. I look fifty pounds heavier, my hair is a mess, one boob looks bigger than my entire head,
and I'm pretty sure my
jowls have jowls.
And of course - OF COURSE - it was posted to Facebook.
So to sum up: all the famous attractive people - who have never met me, have no idea who I am or why I was there - are in deep dark shadow, and then tacked on at the very edge is
me in a giant spotlight, glowing the glow of an unevenly voluptuous firefly butt.
When I clicked on the FB notification that this photo had been posted, I sat in cringing silence for several long seconds. Shock, shame, embarrassment... some of you know this particular rodeo. Thing is, not too long ago, something like this would have ruined my whole day. It may have even brought on tears, and resulted in a long, sleepless night of self-loathing.
But instead, after the initial cringe and sadness had subsided, I gave the tiniest,
tiniest little chuckle. I imagined all these people blinking at their group photo and asking each other, "Who's that?" It still stung, for sure, but it was also kind of funny.
Here I am, I thought,
in a group of performers, stealing their spotlight!
Then I realized something:
I think this is what progress looks like. I think... you guys, I think my
Self-Hate Battle Plan is working.
See, just that afternoon I'd taken what I thought was one of my better outfit photos. I even showed most of my face! And folks on IG had been sending me hearts and messages about how my outfit looked like a Slytherin or Loki 'bound, and I was feeling pretty OK with myself. All that positive reinforcement, both from others AND from myself, gave me perspective on the awful group photo. I realized that one bad shot wasn't all there was of me. I realized I
could look better than that, and sometimes did!
And that's the point of my Battle Plan: to practice seeing myself in a better light - literally and figuratively - so when these shockingly bad photos come along I have something to fight with. This week I was armed with a good photo of myself from the very same night, so I knew more than ever:
a single photo is never the whole picture. Photos are a fleeting second in time that can be easily manipulated, and with the right pose and lighting, I CAN take a good picture. I daresay anyone can.
Knowing that - knowing that it IS possible for me to like a photo of myself - makes it so much easier to accept the bad ones. If I hadn't been pushing myself to take these daily outfit photos, though, I'd never have known that. I'd have thought the
bad photo was the truth, was all there was of me.
As proof of my progress - and so you can laugh with me over how ridiculous this bad photo really is - allow me to present my very own Instagram vs Reality. This still isn't easy for me to post, but the fact that I CAN - the fact that I'm actually excited to show you guys how far I've come - is all I need to know my Battle Plan is working. I hope it encourages you to keep fighting, too.
INSTAGRAM
(Filtered for better light, but never photoshopped)
REALITY
(I blurred the rest of the group, but otherwise adjusted nothing)
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Stay tuned for more MetroCon cosplay! I'm busy editing all our flash portraits now, can't wait to show you my favorites.
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Oh! And the green dress I'm wearing in these pics is a comfy cotton tank dress, btw, perfect for summer, easy to layer, and $19 on Amazon. You can find it on the "Stuff Jen Wears" List
here on my Epbot Amazon page. (I also added my rainbow prism dress and the pastel unicorn one, if you're looking for more colorful options!)
