Sunday, August 30, 2020

22 Years Of Not Being Perfect - But Being Enough

 I spent most of the past 3 days on the couch feeling uninspired and bingeing Youtube videos on how to organize your kitchen. I also ate a lot of non-dairy ice cream. Kind of my version of a bender. 

Anyway, one of those videos walloped me with something profound, and I'm so annoyed by how accurate this is I have to share. I don't remember which of the 50 videos I watched had this in it, but here's the gist:

Perfectionism is a form of fear.

Fear of not being good enough, smart enough - fear of just not being enough.

As a life-long perfectionist who's currently wrestling with many MANY fears, and yet who never equated those two things to each other, can I just say, "OUCH"?

Because ouch. 

Anyway, that's when John came in and found me crying into my Cherry Garcia over a pantry-organizing video. (Sometimes I like to imagine what John's Twitter account would look like if he had one. "Reasons My Wife Is Crying #217: We don't have separate bins for our pasta boxes... I think?")

We had a couple projects I was looking forward to cancel last week, so I got stuck thinking no one wants us to work for them because I'm not doing a good enough job. That I'm not helping enough, not handy enough, not writing enough posts or filming enough videos - just plain not enough. I know that's not true, but I have a hard time believing it's not true. It's exhausting, having a brain like this. Some of you have brains wired the same way, so you know. You've been here. Then we get frustrated at ourselves for feeling this way, but we're too tired to try any harder to not feel this way, right? (Tell me this isn't just me.)

Saturday was our 22nd wedding anniversary, and since I was down with a migraine, my brightest spot was sharing a few old wedding snapshots online. John loves my Story posts, so a lot of times I'm writing these just for him - and watching his face when he got to the two with his favorite songs was the best minute of my day.


 



For this one I had "Tightrope" playing - John's favorite song from Greatest Showman. (I think he might like "Thousand Years" from the Twilight movies even more, but I have to draw the line SOMEWHERE. :p)

Also I look startled there because John snuck up behind me when I was trying to take a selfie, ha.


Next our wedding song:



Awww yeeeah.

Sharing happy memories is one of the best ways we can fight back against our broken brains and lying emotions. Not only do we remind ourselves what it feels like to be happy, we get to spread some of that happy to other people, who then bounce it back to us. It's a win-win-win.

And of course, nothing's better than sharing a memory that makes people laugh:




Looking at these old pics reminded me how far I've come, how proud I am of the life John & I've built together, and that maybe I should cut myself a little slack. Then I had a bunch of fun interactions with you guys online, laughing over giant dresses and grumpy grandparents, and finally John and I watched the new Phineas & Ferb movie on Disney Plus. After all that - plus some ice packs for my head - I felt better, more at peace.

It's still a daily struggle, this fight so many of us have to be both perfect and OK with not being perfect. If you're stuck in that place right now - the one where every thought accuses you of not being enough - try sharing a happy memory. When's the last time you laughed 'til your sides hurt, or cried happy tears? What's something you're still super proud of? Go tell people about it. If you don't want to share on your own pages, then write it here in the comments. Let's remind each other - and ourselves - that whatever we do or don't do, however we feel, whoever we are, we are loved, and we are enough.

*****



Tonight's the last night to enter our monthly Squeegineer give-away! Remember you're already entered if you've given us any amount via Paypal this month, but otherwise you can enter via e-mail, details at the link.

I forgot to add it to the prize photo gallery, but starting this month you can choose a custom face mask set as your prize: 2 foam frames & your choice of 6 fabric covers. I also have a bunch of kids' sizes I'm making with the scraps, so tell me if you have younger kids, and I'll throw in a set for them, too.

Whether you support me and John by sending us money or by sending us your friends - uh, you know, virtually, by sharing my posts on social media, DON'T MAIL ME PEOPLE, that'd be weird - thank you so much. We love you, and we're so glad you're here.

37 comments:

  1. Stop making me cry on a Sunday night, and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, YOU CRAZY BEAUTIFUL KIDS. ❤❤❤❤

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  2. I hear ya, sister. And I just bought myself non-dairy Cherry Garcia yesterday. *raises pint*

    I think this every time you have an anniversary, but you two were babies! Aw, it's so cute to see young Jen and young John. Grumpy Grandpa reminds me of this picture I have of my great-aunt as a kid, holding a pocket knife menacingly toward the camera as if to say, I will kill you. That's basically the essence of that great-aunt, but it also sort of looks like what's on the mind of Grumpy Grandpa should John break your heart.

    I also spent part of yesterday clearing out a closet, which at times meant just sitting on the floor staring into it and wondering, what do I do next? It was so jam-packed that it was overwhelming, but I did it, I got through, and I accomplished something. That's pretty much all we need these days, is to just get through things. Accomplish something. And maybe a little Cherry Garcia. (I can't tell you how thrilled I was when Ben & Jerry's finally made non-dairy ice cream. So Delicious is another good brand.)

    --Yet Another Jen

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    1. Ohhh yes to the So Delicious! Their Caramel Cashew stuff is regularly stocked in our fridge. :D

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  3. You two are such a great example of a healthy partnership: you hold each other up in the rough times and come out laughing on the other side. I love you two and appreciate your content so much! <3

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  4. Wow, John *really* looks the same. Someone who hadn't seen him since the wedding would have no trouble recognizing him now.

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  5. Right in the yep. Also it helps to know such an awesome person that I admire has similar struggles. Here's to life in the mental trenches!

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  6. I once told my husband, without a trace of irony, that I couldn't possibly be a perfectionist because if I was, things would be more perfect. Apparently I missed the point slightly...

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    1. I feel this on an almost spiritual level.

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  7. One of my students keeps responding to things with this “relatable content” emoji, which I definitely need right now. I feel this one so hard. I have this perfectionism fear a lot louder than I want to, but luckily I’m like you and I’ve found a wonderful partner too who helps me work through it. We haven’t quite hit 22 years (10 on Labor Day weekend) but I have no idea what I’d do without him. He helps keep me grounded when it spins out of control, and when I get in periods like I am now he’s ok with me channeling it into mostly productive stuff like updates for the house and ordering all the different yellow couch slipcovers I can find and sending them back until I can find the absolutely perfect one for our library, since slipcovering a pullout sofa is not something I want to tackle on my own. And trying to find the perfect throw pillows to coordinate once I’ve realized it’s not solid yellow I want but yellow chevron, and now I’m totally pivoting, and we need a new rug too. 🤣

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  8. Yeah so once The pandemic is over I need to know you IRL LOL. Is that creepy? Sorry, but we are so similar, and I live in O-Town too so I know we aren't too far apart! Sigh... sorry now I feel stalkery...But its so hard to make friends as a grownup! Especially if you're a weird, broken brained, autoimmune having, geeky, hermit who doesn't leave the house for anything but work, (and not even that right now). Right? Sorry, is that making it better, or worse? I'm gonna go now, but I m still posting this because I'm feeling brave today....

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    1. Hey, when this pandemic is over, hit me up. John and I are always looking for more local friends! The vast majority of our personal IRL friends live outside the state or even the country, and even the FL ones are often hours away. So believe me, I feel ya on the "making friends is hard" thing.

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  9. I was in a similar place last week and was helped tremendously by a Mel Robbins interview in which she said that lrocrastination is ALWAYS the result of stress. She also said that people who are analytical (and perfectionists) are iften the ones stuggling with procrastination because of how we feel stress. So when I have found myself being a sofa slug I try to identify why I'm stressed and then determine do I need to handle it with self care (guilt free sofa slug time) or push myself to actually get something done.

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  10. I think this maybe the other side of the "impostor syndrome", where you work so much harder that you needed, to prove that you can do it "perfectly".

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  11. Jen,

    That is so true about perfectionism being about fear but I never put it into that perspective before. The sad part is that the fear comes from someone you were trying to please in the first place but ended up disappointing them by falling short of their expectations. For me it was my parents and even though they are both dead and I am in my fifties, I still struggle with feeling inadequate. There are days the battle is light and others where it feels as though my life is being sucked out.
    One way I try to fight this is to simply do my best and not worry about anyone else's opinion. Not easy but it does help combat the feeling of helplessness. Another phrase is "It's not about me."
    Criticism runs deep in my family and there are lots of scars from feeling good about an accomplishment and being told, without finishing what I was saying, "Self praise stinks." That phrase sent major feelings of self doubt and self loathing.
    I've tried therapy and medication but both only helped so much. I have to secure the beast inside. Add to the mix an autistic daughter who may never be able to be independent and an unhappy marriage and there are days I can't get out out of bed. I am trying to keep things in perspective but it is a daily struggle.
    I am so glad you have John to lean on.

    Maureen

    P.S. It was great to see you in Pittsburgh!

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    1. Oh my goodness, Maureen, I'm sending you all the hugs today. That's another perspective I hadn't considered - and the longer I'm in therapy. the more connections I see between all my fears. Like you said, it's still a fight even when we know the cause - dare I say, knowing is half the battle? :P - but at least that knowledge helps us know what we're up against.

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  12. You guys are the absolute CUTEST. Much love to you.
    Also that dairy free Ben & Jerry's is LEGIT.

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  13. The other saying about perfectionism I've always liked is, "Perfect is the enemy of DONE."

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    1. This! That's a variation of the phrase I repeat to myself all the time: "Done is better than perfect." In the moment I never believe it, but once the thing is imperfectly done, I remember how true it is.

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  14. (takes a deep breath)

    This post hit hard, for more than one reason. And in case I need to walk away before I finish it completely, to say all I wish to say, I want to first say thank you for always being a source of laughter, inspiration, and hope; for being honest and open and compassionate, and for the encouragement you always bring to your readers. Thank you for posting about enduring love, and the sweetness and compassion within your marriage -you are such a good example of what can be. I wish you both a life that leads to dancing with walkers on your anniversaries during your 90s and beyond! You guys are just the best!

    *My* John, the one I've called "Babe" or "Thor" since 1974, married as soon as I graduated HS in 1976, my forever sweet man, passed away unexpectedly last year on August 7th. and I have been gutted ever since -because of he was SO good for me, to me, with me. This post reminded me again of just how lucky and blessed I am to have had such a marriage with such a wonderful human being who knew me better than I know myself, who could see the migraine coming before I felt it, who believed me when no one else ever did, and who believed in us when everyone -literally everyone doubted.

    Thanks for a great post that reminds me that there are still good people in this world who care and love and share and all just because they can see the good in all of us.

    Happy Anniversary you two, sending all good vibes and so much love from the west coast.

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    1. What a legacy for the rest of us to aspire to, this is beautiful. Sending you hugs and peace and healing for your loss, my friend. I'm so glad you two had each other.

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    2. Thank you Jen, you are always kind.

      In our family, the highest compliment we can give to anyone is to say "I'd totally eat lunch with you." and or "I wish you were my neighbor." --I feel both of these for you and John....plus I grew up with a mom who drilled "That's cool, but we can make it cheaper and better." and then we would...so ya, having your brains and skills right next door would be amazing!

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  15. Happy Anniversary. Also, you probably should have put the part about not sending actual people at the TOP of the post, not the bottom. When the box comes from me just refuse delivery. And maybe poke some holes in the top...

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  16. The show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is just wonderful - I highly recommend it - and (minor spoilers here) it's largely about one woman's mental health journey. And I can't remember the exact quote or find it very quickly, but at one point she says to her therapist basically I thought I either had to be the best or I was the worst, and now I'm just trying to figure out how to be a person.

    And that stuck with me - nobody can ever be perfect or the best at everything, but your alternative isn't being the absolute worst. It's just being a person.


    *content warning for stalking, gaslighting and a whole lot of sex though, if that's not your thing, and also some very bad decision making at times

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  17. Happy Anniversary!! You guys are adorable, then and now :) Also, I think a lot of us struggle with perfectionism and the fear that pushes us toward it. You're not alone - we're not alone in that. I had my 'aha!' moment a few years ago when I saw a trinket dish in a store that said, "Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful." I suddenly realized that nothing was perfect ENOUGH and never would be, but that SO much was still wonderful...and I needed to look for those things. I bought the trinket dish and put it where I see it many times a day - because there is a huge climb between knowing it and believing/living and I need all the reminders I can get. I hope you find some peace in the struggle

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    1. Oh, I like that. "Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful." Yep, I need to sit with that one for a while. Thank you.

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  18. Ah, darn, I had some friends all postaged up and ready to mail.

    Relationship goals! Happy anniversary, you guys!

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  19. That is quite the revelation.
    I think almost everyone (or maybe it is everyone) is wired to quickly recall inadequacies and failures. I have to make a conscious effort to keep some happy joyous moments to the forefront to keep the negative thoughts in check.
    One thing I do work on is being secure with my insecurities, which is basically letting myself be human.
    It's a lot of work, emotionally, psychically, mentally... but, I truly believe it's what makes us human.
    Lots of hugs to you all!
    Thank you, Jen, for such a wonderful blog!
    And Happy Anniversary!

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  20. Thank you for being transparent. When you write, I feel like comforted knowing that someone else shares the difficult thoughts that I have. When I read your blogs I don't feel so alone in the world!

    I have to side with John, I LOVE Thousand Years. I just got into the Twilight Series which works out well for me because I don't have anxiety waiting for the next book or movie to come out. :-D

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  21. Ok, I can't even read these comments right now because this is way too me.

    BUT.

    Happy anniversary to two very wonderful people. I can easily tell you that you are fabulous and definitely good enough. As for me, well..that's another subject. :p

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  22. I'm not a perfectionist, I just want something I do, ANYTHING I do to be good and not sucky. Like the purse I just finished making. I'm mad because my stitching is off. There. Right THERE, see? It's not professional enough to sell. No one will buy it because you can see where I messed up. I'll never be good enough at this to be able to sell my sewing. No, I'm not a perfectionist. Sigh.

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  23. Yup. Imposter syndrome. Someday everyone will find out that I truly have no earthly idea what I'm doing and will wonder how I even got to where I am in life. Why did they even HIRE me when I'm so obviously inadequate?
    So it's not just me? That waking up at 4 a.m. stewing about the things I haven't done? The pit in my stomach at meetings when I have no idea what to say that doesn't sound stupid (in my head, at least)?
    You'd think i would have grown out of this but nope.
    I just don't want to let people down, that's my worry. People are counting on me and I don't want them to be disappointed.
    "Nobody's harder on me than me." Joni Mitchell. Luckily, my husband seems to have infinite patience with my inner craziness. And meditation helps. Sending myself positive messages helps (a little).
    At any rate, thanks for your honesty and happy anniversary. We love you. I love you,

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  24. Jen, I come here when I think I’m going to check the news or Facebook (both places that give me a ton of anxiety and/or rage) and you never disappoint. I love how honest and sweet you are. You’re talented and special...thank you for helping so many of us feel better and giving us a place to rest from other online stress. You are amazing just the way you are. ❤️

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  25. YES,I am a perfectionist and it absolutely comes from a fear of not being good enough/not trying hard enough and if only I could do that then everyone would appreciate me. I know logically this is not true, but it’s a recurring conversation with myself.

    I heard this song last year that really resonated with me: google “Sleeping At Last One.” It’s a song about Ones on the enneagram, but I think *anyone* who deals with perfectionism and fears of not being worthy can appreciate it without knowing anything about the enneagram :)

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  26. My wife and I celebrated our 15th anniversary this summer. With COVID-19 and having 4 kids, we didn't really manage to do much but the memories are amazing. Thank you for sharing yours.

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  27. Happy happy anniversary, and wishes for many, many returns of the day!

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