Tuesday, February 6, 2018

How John Gets His Exercise

Yesterday on Cake Wrecks I reran one of my favorite posts, which reminded me of a draft that's been languishing in my "YOU CAN'T POST THIS" folder here on Epbot for, no joke, three years. Well, I think it's safe now, fellow geeks, and this post's time has come. Plus I still think it's funny. So here goes.


******


John is my PR manager online, and he's very, very good at it. He has turned apologizing to angry Cake Wrecks commenters into an art form, and can defuse just about any situation with a gracious word and a "let's hug it out, b*tches" attitude.

John is also (understandably) a lot more paranoid than I am when it comes to anticipating online firestorms, and has been known to censor some of my more hilarious snippets over on CW (just take my word for it), and even proofs posts over here, looking for that errant quip that will, say, incur the wrath of Canada. Again.

The irony, of course, is that in real life John's sense of humor is WAY more likely to attract pitchfork-bearing internet masses, and I'm forever shushing him in public through a haze of suppressed giggle-tears.

Anyhoo, all that brings me to the other night, when I was late for dinner.


Me: "Sorry, just had to finish something."

John: "That's ok. What was it?"
 
Me: [flapping hand dismissively] "Oh, there was someone commenting about how Harry Potter was 'of the devil'".

John: [going very still] "And you said...?"

Me: [bright smile] "I told her I thought Jesus was a Gryffindor! Heyyyy, this is good chicken." 

John: [drops fork] [sprinting for his laptop] "NOOOOOOOOO"


In my defense: I was very nice and respectful, and I think I made a solid case. Plus it was in the comments of a friend's blog, not mine. So no one will ever know.

Unless they recognize my name, of course. Or my Lady Vadore avatar. Or read this post. 

[head tilt] Hmmm.

Ok, I got it!

Let's go back in time, and NOBODY TELL JOHN.

Remember, Tonks is watching. Alllways watching.

***


P.S. I know I'm the one who brought it up, but please no bashing anyone's beliefs in the comments. Remember, there are really awesome people out there who don't agree with you. That's what keeps life interesting. And sometimes funny.

Now, let's hug it out, b*tches.



69 comments:

  1. I just can't wait for the comments on this.... ;~)

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  2. I dunno, I think Jesus was the ultimate Hufflepuff.

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  4. I suck at coding. You know the gif of Jason Momoa snapping the lawn chair open and sitting down? Picture that here.

    And yay for spouses who not only GET us but work as a filter between us and the world.

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    1. I’ll throw in my “Yay!”

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  5. What? People bash other people on EPBOT? I thought we were all terrific, caring, accepting of others - type people here??? I'm disappointed to learn that... I think everything you and John write is wonderful.... (and no, I'm not sucking up...) :)

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    1. In all honesty this community IS all those good things - there's a reason I turned off comment moderation. It's super rare anything mean-spirited gets posted, but then, I don't really talk about religion or politics here, either, and this IS the internet, so I figured a gentle reminder was in order. :)

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  6. Nahh... Jesus is totes repping Hufflepuff colors. He's all 'Hey, wouldn't it be great if we were all friends', calls everone brothers. Throws a party, makes sure that there's enough snacks for everyone. Practices what he literally preaches. A great guy.

    Okay, the whole bit with the moneylenders was a bit outside the box, but Puffs don't have to be COMPLETE pushovers...

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    1. I am of course being a bit silly, but that really does raise a question: how does religion fit into the HP universe? Do they view Christ as a meddling wizard who showed off in front of muggles? Was the prophet Mohammed just good with divination spells? Are there wizard-exclusive religions, where the knowledge of magic lets you... Oh. OH.

      Voldemort was trying to be a wizard messiah.

      Death Eaters were basically a cult, worshipping him. He had great power, came back from death... Yeah, he was basically setting himself up for demigod-hood. No wonder The Boy Who Lived got so much respect. Imagine if David took down Satan instead of Goliath...?

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    2. I'm with you. He's definitely a Hufflepuff.

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    3. Was going to say the same thing, for the same reasons - totally a Hufflepuff.

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    4. Agreed. Additionally, my take is that Peter was a Gryffindor, Paul was a Ravenclaw.

      Also, my church (New England Nondenominational Evangelical) used a Dumbledore quote on its bulletin a couple weeks ago. So that's pretty cool.

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    5. I gotta add, my first instinct is that Jesus would be a Hufflepuff. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Hufflepuff...

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    6. Oooh, you guys have some great points - and I'd forgotten about Jesus bringing all the food with the fishes and loaves thing. Hmmm.

      I was mostly thinking bravery for going against the establishment and of course the self-sacrifice thing, but we Puffs can be brave, too, so... yeah, you may have me convinced here. :D

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    7. I don't know...that moneychngers in the temple incident...totally Gryffindor. ;)

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    8. This string of comments makes my day. And as a fellow Puff, I wholeheartedly agree!

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    9. Strong leadership, family credentials and resourceful (with fish and bread) a contender for Slytherin?

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    10. Came here to say, "He's totally a 'Puff." I'm not even Christian, I just look at someone who wants everyone's needs met and think... "PUFF!"

      I love HP nerds. I really love all of you.

      Says the Ravenclaw.

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    11. Oh, yeah, I totally agree...Jesus is a Hufflepuff. (And I'm not just saying that because I want to hang out in my common room with Jesus.)

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  7. When reading fiction real life and religion are suspended by Poetic License. The mentions of Christmas and burial in a church yard infer the nominal anglican status of most Brits unless they have specifically chosen or been raised in another denomination or faith. Its the same unsaid status quo that we british readers understand and so we know without asking that St Mungos is part of a Ministry of Magic NHS and there are no fees for Hogwarts either,its a State School NOT a Public School (they are private fee paying and very old places like Eton).
    Normal routine life in the UK means free healthcare, and for children free dental treatment and free spectacles. Harry's round frames are the most basic NHS type available to small children. Repairs are free too but obviously the Dursleys cannot be bothered. So as someone said We don't do God here (even though many of us do) its not polite to go on about it or even mention it.The Church of England is the state religion but we don't talk about it!

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    1. I did not know that Harry's round frames were a basic NHS version! Thank you for that info :)
      calonkat

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    2. The US version is the black framed glasses worn by military folks, since that's what the military provides. My Navy friend calls them 'Birth Control Glasses', on the basis that they're rather unattractive.

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    3. https://www.deadmensspex.com/default/vintage-frames/nhs-spectacles.html?mode=list

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  8. I just hope magic-users that follow religious diets [kosher, halal, vegetarian, etc.] don't have problems. Same with those with allergies. "Accio Epi-Pen!" And that's a very nice picture of Tonks.

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    1. I am so going to write that on my epi-pen! :-) Probably be chuckling all day, thanks for the thought, been a bad day and I wickedly needed a chuckle.

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    2. I'm working on a project right now to make my epi-pens look like medieval dagger hilts, but wands would be awesome. They do come in two packs. I could have one of each.

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    3. I am certain the house elves are very careful in that regard.

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    4. My son has needed or carried EpiPens since he was 1 year old. I am totally going to have to make a sword or wand sheath for it! Accio EpiPen indeed!

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    5. Different fandom, but when I was doing fertility shots, I named my injection pen Sting...

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  9. Am I the only one who is really interested in hearing your reasoning for "Jesus as Gryffindor?"

    And such a great picture of Tonks. Both of your cats have such mesmerizing eyes!

    You keep writin' 'em; I'll keep readin' 'em! :)
    -Zippy

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    1. Maybe cuz he was a risk-taker? To the extreme? And he did face off with the establishment and seemed always to be upsetting them cuz he broke rules. All the time. Drove them crazy.

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    2. Pretty much what Laur said, though the pro-Puff thread up there may have turned me around now! :D

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  10. Oh my. The "Again." after "incur the wrath of Canada." made me laugh out loud. Thank you for continuing to put a smile on my face, both here and over on Cake Wrecks. Sincerely, A Canadian who could never be angry at you. :D

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    1. I was not aware Canada had wrath.

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    2. They do, but it’s hidden at the bottom of a mound of Poutine. :)

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    3. Actually ....
      Bottom of the pile of poutine, awash in Molson, covered by a pile of maple leaves, and hidden under a moose...to be specific.

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    4. I thought that Canada put all their wrath into Canada geese for export?

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    5. Mandy R. - you beat me to it!

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    6. All of you were good, but jtb34 wins.

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  11. Love the Tonks-kitty glamour shot!
    Pinkie Welborne, 17
    Indiana

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  12. Believe it or not, it *is* possible to be a Christian *and* have a sense of humor. :-D ;-) I loved this joke! I have never ever felt like your humor was mean-spirited or at the expense of someone else's feelings (including this quip). I really appreciate that. Keep up the good work!
    Signed - a Jesus Follower AND a member of House Ravenclaw ;-)

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  13. Our minister is using the first book to prep the confirmation class. Of course. Uh, we're UCC and the first denom to make public statements about inclusivity (LGBTQ and all other kinds) (latest term for "love thy neighbor," "love thy enemy"--[whachoo got enemies? who thinks they're enemies, them or you? gotta rethink that idea]). Rowling has plenty between her ears--and a crazy good sense of humor. She knows more about the history of Western philosophy, culture and religion than . . . just the NAMES she throws around are hilarious in context.

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  14. *giggle-snorts* I have a strong feeling that were I to run something fairly popular my husband would be the one sprinting to fix my dragon lady and sassy moments. XD I totally get both of you in that regard. I often tell my husband that the handbasket is ready for travel and that he needs to shush, but he's much better at being polite online even when in a heated conversation.

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  15. I consider myself a devout Christian and it's my firm belief that Christ has a sense of humor :-) my siblings and I even discussed this in the past with the general thought of Jesus probably likes puns, because puns dont (usually) have the undercurrent or potential of mean spiritedness that say, sarcasm or practical jokes can.

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  16. Okay, I'm going to need "Let's hug it out, b*tches" on a t-shirt...and a hat...and shoes, and you know what a whole wardrobe should suffice.

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  17. I don't know...
    Jesus could definitely be a Ravenclaw. He spoke in parables that made people think.
    Jesus could be a Gryffindor. He stood up to the people in power and was the voice of the marginalized.
    Jesus could be a Hufflepuff. He was kind and loyal and giving.
    Jesus as a Slytherin? That's the one I'm having trouble with.

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    1. Maybe if we go with the Slytherin attribute of ambition? There's all kinds of ways to be ambitious, and being ambitious isn't necessarily selfish. Maybe we could say that Jesus had some very ambitious goals in spreading the word of God and saving the souls of all humanity. I think that having an ideal view of what the world should be, and working to make that ideal a reality, could be deemed as rather Slytherin.

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    2. He was pretty slytherin making everyone see Him as what they wanted Him to be, right up to the Crucifiction all the disciples expected something quite different!

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    3. He did say to be as wise as serpents...

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  18. Another who agrees that Jesus was a Hufflepuff. You might be surprised how many seminary students love HP. We spend quite a bit of time debating which houses our professors and various Biblical characters would be in. I have quoted Dumbledore in more than one theology paper, and I have a whole thing about how Hagrid = John the Baptist (even though JKR says that Dumbledore is John). We also talk about Star Wars more than you might think, but that's a topic for another day.

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  19. I just keep thinking of Clerks 2 where Elias talks about how the figured outta church camp how the transformers weren’t from the devil.

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  20. As a cradle Episcopalian this whole thought logic delights the crap outta me! Our priests work science fiction into many sermons throughout the year and I can totally see a whole bible study class creating a flowchart of all notable bible people and how they fit into the Harry Potter universe! For my two cents I think Jesus would be in what ever House Dumboedore was in!

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  21. Some people have no sense of humor. I'm a Christian and imagining Jesus as a Gryffindor is hilarious.

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  22. What a beautiful photo! #teamtonks

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    1. I know -- I never noticed the ADORABLE little stripe right above the nose!

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    2. Yay, Tonks! (I never noticed the stripe either!)

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  23. As a Christian I think Jesus would agree with you about being a Gryffindor. I am always amazed that people can even think magic is evil when Jesus walked on water, turned water into wine, cured the sick, healed the infirm etc. If that's not magic, I don't know what is. Witchcraft isn't even mentioned in the Bible, it was only the church that wanted to purge the peasants of their religion to gain a greater following thus villainizing pagan beliefs. Many of the religion's holidays are set to parallel traditional wiccan ceremonies. Decorating a tree, lighting candles, stockings, spring fertility rights, coloured eggs, death and rebirth...

    It doesn't make me less of a believer, just realistic about my faith.

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    1. With respect Joelle, there are many times when sorcery/witchcraft/divination are mentioned in the Bible: https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Sorcery-And-Magic . I believe the overarching theme of the Bible, though, is that God is love, and as long as something is being done in goodness and with loving intentions, it is probably in line with Biblical teachings. :).

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    2. A lot depends on translation of ancient words that have no modern counterpart into words that have hundreds of years of prejudice.

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  24. I think I read all the comments, so hope this isn't said elsewhere, but have you listened to Harry Potter and the Sacred Text (the podcast)? It's really lovely and has a nice and friendly vibe to it, but I could not read your exchange without thinking about it (even though arguments about Jesus and the Hogwarts Houses is definitely not the type of work they engage in!). And if you might get yelled at for arguing that Jesus was in Gryffindor, imagine what they get for proposing that Harry Potter can be read as a sacred text! And they do live shows! All to say, you are in good company! ;)

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  25. Jesus was totally a Hufflepuff, but I respect the wrongness of your beliefs. :) It's very kind of you to make sure John gets a lot of exercise running back and forth to the computer, defending his wife's honor in advance.

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  26. I'm totally loving all of the comments here. :) I kind of held my breath checking back in, but this is great. Also, I'm surprised that no one's mentioned Joseph Campbell. He always used Star Wars as example of modern mythology (not using that word to offend anyone, but it seems there's enough Episcopalians here- and enough intelligent people of many faiths- to be OK with that word). When I read Deathly Hallows, when Harry, Ron, and Hermione took off with the tent, I said, "This is totally the wandering in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights." Then when we started getting toward the end, I said, "This is going to be a resurrection story." And lo and behold, King's Cross Station. :) Anyone else have those thoughts? :)

    ANd yes, I'd still love to hear Jen's reasoning for Jesus as Gryffindor. :)

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  27. Ok I didn't think it was possible to love you and John more, but this absolutely did it. Thank you for always making my day brighter.

    Also I agree with the Jesus as Hufflepuff theory in this thread, but I can see where he could go Gryffindor too. I bet the sorting hat would have had a lot of trouble with him, much like it did with Harry.

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    1. Which would make for one REALLY crazy AR setting...

      "You could be GREAT in Slytherin..."

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  28. Tonks looks exactly like my dearly departed late cat Rosebud (sniffle).

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  29. Awww, Tonks!

    Thanks for the reminder at the end of the post, Jen. :)

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  30. I'm going to just throw out this book link for anyone who wants to explore all the Christian themes imbedded in the Potter-verse, as well as the seriously awesome levels of planning and detail that JKR built into the structure of all the books and the series as a whole: https://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Key-Harry-Potter-Understanding/dp/0972322108 Fun read! =)

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  31. Actually, this might be the updated version of the book.... https://www.amazon.com/How-Harry-Cast-His-Spell/dp/1414321880/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=PA3W1PC3PDVPJM6VK9ZS
    Sorry for the multiple links!

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