Tuesday, February 23, 2016

An Antique Turtle-Lady Sex Box And Other Creepy Hilarity To Keep You Up At Night

John and I live near Renninger's, host of one of the nation's largest antique fairs 3 times a year, and lemme tell ya: Best. Yard sale. EVAH.

The view last weekend.

There are over 100 acres of tables and tents, much of it is under these gorgeous trees, which makes for a nice hike. 

See all the chandeliers hanging from the branches?

We mostly go to browse, and occasionally buy cheap steampunky things that catch my eye, but invariably there are a few items so creepy, so hilarious, or so bizarre, that I'm forced to document them. 

You know, for posterity.



♫ Veggie veggie fruit fruit! Veggie WE WILL EAT YOUR SOUL


Kinda fell in love with this poster:

 


If you follow me on Instagram then you already saw this snuggly sleep aid:


John let out a (manly) yelp and backed away so fast I was seriously temped to buy it... but then I remembered I love my husband. ;) John also speculated - once he'd reached a safe distance - that the cottony stuff in the doll's mouth was a massive spider's nest. So, yeah.

Sleep sweet, y'all.

Oh, but wait!

This is where it actually gets DISTURBING:



Her shell lid is in the back, so Turtle Lady is kind of like a trinket box, except instead of trinkets, it holds her butt in crotchless bloomers.

Also she has no feet; just pointy black stumps. For some reason that part weirds me out the most.

Ahh, the good ol' days, am I right? Back when people had MORALITY and VALUES and TURTLE LADY SEX BOXES. 

But there's still one more bit of nightmare-fuel-fodder to go - and believe it or not, John wanted to buy this one.

Behold, MR. FACE FEET!

He's very happy to see you.

He had holes in the tops of all his toes, and all over the back side of his head. The dealer told us it's a "smoker,"  - either for incense or for putting out your cigarettes in. 

Cigarettes. Yeah. THAT'S what they were smoking.

Riiiiiiiiight.


Anyway, turns out Mr. Smokey Silent-Screaming Happy Face Feet is rare (THANK GOODNESS) and therefore kind of expensive (SRSLY?), so we didn't buy it (THANK GOODNESS).


Now, as a palate cleanser, here's another thing we didn't buy but would have if it'd been, like, fifty bucks or less:


He's cast metal! Gorgeous, right?

And two more things we DID buy:


An enormous $8 ceramic owl with a hideous paint job...

...and this $3 toy car:


It looks so much like Ron's flying car from Harry Potter that we're going to spruce it up for next year's Potter Christmas tree.


Now, whatever you do, don't think about that doll's head full of spiders.

And have a great day!

51 comments:

  1. I want to make that creepy baby doll my profile pic so bad!

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  2. OMG. I don't go to yard sales but maybe I should start...

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  3. TONKS!! Awwww!

    Can't wait to see what magic you work on the owl and the car.

    Very sad that you didn't buy the creepy doll. That's the greatest horror movie fodder ever. But, I guess if you had to choose the doll or your husband, then you probably made the right decision, heh.

    KW

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  4. So my dad has been living in Mt. Dora for two years and hasn't told me about this wonderful looking thing! I'm gonna have to time my visits better next time.

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  5. I shuddered at the idea of the spider best...
    I love the owl! Please share whatever you do with him!! :)

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  6. My boyfriend would kill me if I brought the doll home.... Although, I'm now tempted to buy one just to see his reaction.

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  7. That baby doll is the stuff of nightmares, so thanks for that...

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  8. Great finds! You may know this as I've liked a few of your posts from that account, but I have an instagram dedicated to my weird antique store finds! https://www.instagram.com/antiquesfreakshow/ Because they can't NOT be shared!! That reminds me I have forgotten to update recently...I'll go fix that now :) :)

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  9. Wow, that Veggie veggie fruit fruit reference sure sparked an ancient childhood memory! I was only six when we went in 1988, but I totally remember that song!

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    1. Glad others caught that as well! I think I was 9 or 10 when I saw it!

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    2. I was going to comment on the Kitchen Kabaret reference, too! Love it!

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    3. Ahh, I KNEW some of you would get it! I just introduced John to the show via Youtube last week, so I've had Kitchen Kabaret on the brain.

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  10. I love your blog! Thank you for being the smile and laugh that I need during the day!! Love hte owl, can't wait to see what you do with it. No pressure. lol!!!
    Melissa in Texas

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  11. Pretty sure Victorian Trading Company sells replicas of turtle-box-lady, except her bloomers are fully intact, thankyouverymuch. And I find creepy baby pleasantly unsettling, while smiley feet made me exclaim aloud. Yay for nearly-ford-anglias!

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  12. I'm never going to get that "laughing" face-footed man out of my nightmares. I feel like his mouth is just going to get bigger and bigger and swallow me (and my dreams) whole.
    Well, at least I have a dollar store steampunk ray gun to work on while I'm not sleeping.
    --Piper P from Washington State

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  13. I want that griffin so bad, no matter how much it costs.

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  14. Thanks for the creepy as hell, straight out of Supernatural, creepy doll head. Did I mention it is creepy? If I have nightmares, expect a flood of comments on all things Epbot and Cakewrecks.

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  15. I would have had to have the poster of Cousin It's best girl, "Vicki Vomit" poster

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  16. My youngest son wants a doll -- exactly like that one!

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  17. It's only cotton. COTTON I SAY!! (gonna keep repeating that to myself until I forget about the other thing you said it is)

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  18. Fun fact time:

    The little car you bought is actually a model Trabant (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trabant), the GDR's socialist dream car. It was distinguished by a body not completely made of metal but partly of some weird kind of plastic (we called them "racing cardboard"), the fact that it could be mended with pantyhose, and that you could drive it through the thickest snow because the wheels were so thin. You had to wait 18 years after ordering one because there were so few built. Ah, for the joys of planned economy. But the best thing about these cars was the sound when they started up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ggRsBQVYlg

    BTW that poster is German, too. The band is called "Vicky Vomit and the Misanthropic Jazz Jewel Boxes". I have never heard of them (and I suspect I shall be the happier for it).

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    1. Ohgod yes ... that two-stroke Trabi engine! Sounded like an oversized dirt bike (and smoked like one of them, too ...). A fast look at Wikipedia tells me the "weird plastic" was something similar to American Bakelite, made of Osti dye-factory resins and Soviet cellulose waste. (Ye gods and little fishes!)

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    2. Thanks, Kat_S for telling all those stories. The blue was my favourite color of all. If Ron flew in a Trabant a lot more people would have heard and smelled them.

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    3. How do you double the value of a Trabant / Skoda / etc? Fill the tank with gas. Ba-dum-bump. I remember seeing the Czech version of these on the road in 1999 when I first visited Prague. They were surprisingly durable considering the crap materials they were built with.

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    4. Oh yeah, I forgot - they came in only three colors, that baby-blue one, some kind of off-white and a really disreputable shade of brown. BTW, I am now imagining Ron and Harry zooming around in a flying Trabi, with people below cocking their heads quizzically and asking: "Do you hear that...?" And the other one replying: "And what's that smell...?"

      And yes, they were surprisingly long-lived. Wikipedia puts the average product life of a Trabi at 28 years (wow!). I guess it was because you had to take really good care of them, for if they broke down, they wouldn't be easy to replace (another 18 years of waiting, and other cars were really hard to come by). And as they had about two moving parts, teaching yourself to maintain and repair one wasn't that hard.

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    5. Trabis were long lived in part because of their preciousness when new (if you waited 18 years for a car, you'd take good care of it!), but also because the plastic body was essentially immortal. Not bakelite-like (which is hard and brittle) but more like a cheap version of fiberglas. And the little 2-stroke engine was dead simple to repair. Microcar enthusiasts collect them nowadays.

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  19. griffon was sooo lovely, i'd've had that! (company for my gargoyles)
    that feet thing was seriously creepy....

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  20. The turtle lady box is the sort of "naughty novelty" that used to be common - sexy enough to be titillating, but not actually pornographic. Without seeing it in person I can't be certain, but I think it's a modern copy rather than an actual antique. I'm guessing that she originally had feet (black high-top boots) that were broken and someone has tried to hide the damage by smoothing the broken edge and repainting the stumps.

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    1. Also, the crotchless bloomers are accurate for Victorian times! It was a practicality thing with layers upon layers of skirts and bustle.

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  21. I think the moon-head man in the background is WAY creepier than the veggie salt & peppers, yikes

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  22. Can't sleep. Doll will eat me. Can't sleep. Doll will eat me.

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  23. I was ok with the creepy doll until John speculated that it might contain a massive spider's nest. Then, things were no longer ok.

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    1. Same. Doll itself? Slightly disturbing, but I'm used to creepy dolls. Not nightmare fodder itself, for me.

      Doll FULL OF SPIDERS, however... *arachnophobic shuddering* nothankyoui'llbesomewherespiderproofed

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  24. My sister and I live near Brimfield, Mass. Home of 13 huge fields of stuff three times a year. We have a competition with friends to find the Most Unusual Thing for Sale.
    Past winners have been: taxidermied cow chair, condom molds, used wicker Victorian coffin (2 of them) and Madame Alexander Nun and Novice dolls in the box shaped like a church. So that doll is nothing! Smack down, New England style.

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    1. See, now I want to go antiquing with you.

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    2. Any time, Jen any time. My 2 Maine Coon cats will love you like Lily does.
      Come up to Conn.!!!!

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    3. Wait...so the condom molds were molds for condoms or molds made out of condoms? So bitter I live on the West coast. We just have flea markets.

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    4. Ceramic molds to make the condons as in pour the rubber over them. Oh and then there was the 20' aluminum Elk Head from an old Lodge. Brimfield, Mass. In May, July and Sept. Not to be missed!

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  25. I have to admit that I have those salt and pepper shakers as part of my collection -- and they are far from the creepiest ones! I only collect cute animals or the tacky and truly tasteless (including "naughties" -- yes, that's a thing and they leave crotchless turtle lady in the dust).

    I'm also reminded of a certain creepy doll mobile -- shudder.
    -Zippy

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  26. I'm guessing that Turtle Box Lady's feet look that way because they are a representation of the bound feet that were popular at the time. Tiny "lotus" feet were prized as elegant and beautiful, so girls feet were broken, bound in tight strips of cloth over a period of time so they would stay small. The resulting folded-over, triangular-shaped feet were painful and nigh impossible to walk on. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foot_binding

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  27. This blog tells more about the turtle lady sex box and other naughty ols_school bisque http://bawdybisques.blogspot.com/

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  28. Please oh please oh please tell me you bought the turtle...

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  29. So, creepy as though the mouth contents of the weird baby doll are, look at its right eye -- it's extra creepy with the white part and the triangle in it!! Aigh!!!! I hate dolls but creepy baby dolls are the worst. I wouldn't mind the nest of spiders, but this baby doll looks like it would definitely kill me in my sleep!! Also, the weird stuff in the mouth looks like the hair of another doll -- like this one ATE another poor smaller creepy doll. It also took some of that victim doll's hair and made some sort of creepy hair undershirt which you can see peeking out of its right shoulder. Perhaps it's a form of atonement FOR EATING PEOPLE. And other creepy dolls.

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  30. I can't wait to see what you do with that owl!
    That collection of nightmare-fuel reminds me of a very strange and creepy find at a swap meet a few years back. There was this big, almost person-sized canvas that someone had painted black, then glued about 50 severed Barbie heads on it, then shot the whole mess with a paintball gun. Several times.
    I also decided that this absolutely MUST be documented (I assume it was indicated in several crimes) so I pulled out my phone and tried to take a picture. Then the guy running the booth pops up and eagerly tells me I should be in the picture and practically forces me to hand my phone to my husband, dragging me in front of the monstrosity. He stood there all proud like he was Picaso (I could have sworn he said he made the thing himself, but it was quite a few years ago!). It was the most awkwardly hilarious shopping experience ever!

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  31. I hate to say it, but do you think the turtle lady was meant to be an ash tray, and you extinguish your cigarette you-know-where?

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  32. Both the doll and face foot are utterly terrifying. And that little toy car is great - it does look SO much like Ron's car!

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  33. I have never scrolled so quickly through one of your posts but I was still laughing at your commentary the entire time. I adore you guys. I am also ridiculously proud that I saw the picture of the car and thought "Ron!" and then scrolled to see you had the same thought :D

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  34. did that poster say "Vicki Vomit and the misanthropic jazz-cats" or is that my two words of German deceiving me?

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  35. You had me at "Mr. Smokey Silent-Screaming Happy Face Feet". HAH!

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  36. Thank you for the nightmares. I will send you the bill for a therapist to get me over these creepy pictures! The lady turtle box is unusual, the Mr. Smokey Silent-Screaming Happy Face Feet is disturbing (to say the least) and the doll is just beyond horrible....

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  37. Tonks is such a cutie. Now I'm distracted from your weird finds due to your adorable cats. How is Lily doing lately?

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