Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Can't Sleep, Doctors Will Hear Me

I'm doing an at-home sleep study tonight from the local hospital, and during my test-fitting of the equipment this afternoon the kindly old doctor mentioned they'll be able to hear everything John and I say during the test.

(You know where this is going, right?)

So now I desperately want to mess with them.

Maybe like this:


***

[sounds of soft snores in the background]

[eerie, long creeeeeeak]

[bone-chilling whisper] "Geeeeeeeet ooouuuut."

 "Geeeeet OOOUUUUT."

[different voice, rasping] "Try it like this: 'OoooOOOOOOOo!'"

[both together] "OoooOOOOOOOoo!"

[silence, snoring continues]

"Maaaaybe if weeee get some sheeeeets?"

"What, like in Beetlejuice?"

"Oh man, I loved that movie."

[snoring stops, abrupt silence]

[pause]

"Thaaaaat was cloooose."

"Right? We almost woke them up.

"One more, before we go make the scratching sounds in the hallway closet?"

"Suuuure."

"GEEEET OOOOUUUUUT!!"

[snoring abruptly stops]

John: "Did... did you hear something?"

Jen [sleepily]: "Hmm? No, Sweetie, just go back to sleep."

***



I'm also open to suggestions - provided they don't get Homeland Security called on me, of course.  ;)

40 comments:

  1. You could be the verbal equivalent of click bait... "Oh, my goodness! What on earth is that thing!?!??" or "Oh, so that's how perpetual motion works...oops!" :) I know I'd lose sleep thinking of things to tell listening ears!

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  2. Good luck on the sleep study Jen. I need one of those too.

    For yours, how about another classic:

    *Soung of soft (or chainsaw-like, which ever is true!) snores**
    Sound of Poke. Poke

    "She's dead."
    "That's what YOU think smartypants. She's only MOSTLY dead!"

    That oughtta get you some good reactions!

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  3. "See? It's been a whole year and they haven't found the body. You owe me five bucks."

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  4. I love your set up, it's hilarious. However, I will tell you that they can tell by your brain activity that you're awake. Even when you wake up so slightly that you don't know you're awake, they can tell. They'd probably get a kick out of it anyway!

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    1. Ok, so then we have to record it ahead of time, and John'll play it while I'm asleep. Eh? EH? :)

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    2. So, did you do it? Did you, huh huh? TELL! I'm totally dying here... my brother is a Polysomnography Technician and he would just lose it, laughing, if someone did that during a study. I hope you did something entertaining and amusing!

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  5. Yikes. I tried to do an at home sleep study and couldn't complete it. There were extenuating circumstances, in my defense. It caused anxiety for me, big time. I was already under a huge amount of stress.

    Without carrying on too greatly and moaning for a mile, I've been really sick for nearly ten months now. When I say sick, I mean I am no longer able to work, or do much of my own housework, ride my bike, or go to the grocery store, or do much of anything independently. Big changes for me and mine.

    After a November hospitalization where I was poked, prodded, regularly irradiated, tormented, tortured, and tested for numerous and sundry conditions---no diagnosis (although I was made to get my inflamed and stony gallbladder
    removed a few months later--what fun!). Sadly, my symptoms were not relieved by gallbladder removal.

    I should say that the pulmonologist I picked up along the way on this icky health crisis journey was (and is) still pushing me to test for sleep apnea as shortness of breath on exertion is a big symptom (one of many).

    Well...flash back to three weeks ago when the intermittent double vision I've been experiencing came back with a vengeance and with it one of my eyelids started heavily drooping and I could no fully open that eye.

    Now I have a neurologist and a tentative but fairly sure diagnosis of 'generalized myasthenia gravis'. Which means (among other things) that some of the muscles I use for breathing are affected by the disease. The pulmonologist still wants me to do the sleep study. Ugh.
    Side note: I now also have a gastroenterologist, a general surgeon, an ENT specialist, and a Balance specialty ENT. Whew.
    My darling daughter, beautiful geek girl that she is, tells me that if specialists were Pokemon, I'd be the best trainer EVER .You know...Gotta Catch "Em ALL.
    I get claustrophobic thinking about the c-pap machine mask. My husband had one and couldn't use it. He has since had a sinus and tonsil surgery that alleviated his apnea issues. I just know that f I am diagnosed with apnea and am subsequently forced to try a c-pap that I will not be able to comply. And I am fearful that it will it mean that I will be forced to wear a c-pap any time I am hospitalized from then on.

    On a funny note, when my husband did try the c-pap if was a hoot watching him.
    He was a mouth breather because of a deviated septum and other sinus issues. He would open his mouth, the c-pap would fill his cheeks with air until he looked like Satchmo playing the trumpet. He'd wake up when his lips started flapping in the breeze like the jowls of a basset hound with his head out the side window of a moving pickup truck.


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    1. Oh, man, that last visual - LOL! I'm so sorry to hear about your health roller coaster, though. Wow.

      There's also a c-pap mask that only covers the nose, and since John tells me I never breathe through my mouth at night, that's what I'll be looking into, if I need one.

      Though, fwiw, John's sister uses a full-mask and says it's incredibly light & comfy - and that she's sleeping better than she ever has in her life. (She's the one who convinced me to get this study done. I've been having a bunch more panic episodes mid-sleep, and we suspect apnea may be to blame.)

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    2. Thanks, Jen. Not gonna lie, it's been tough. I'm hanging in there though. Humor is always the best defense.
      I'm glad I gave you a chuckle.
      You are right about the technology changes. I've looked them up a bit online.Maybe the nose thingy would be less claustrophobia inducing for me than the full mask, although I fear that I am a mouth breather as well. .

      It's been a while since my basset hound of a man had his c-pap with the full on Vader mask. Hey! What a minute..you've already have mask practice as the lovely Lady Vadore, Hmpph. Good thing I like you too much to call you a cheater pants. ; )
      Who knows how your doctor would take it if you steam punkified your c-pap mask though. That'd be fun.

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    3. I wear a nose only mask, as I have both a fear of not being able to breathe (panic attack inducing) and severe sleep apnea, as well as being extremely claustrophobic. It's a huge help, and they make ones that are so light you barely know they are on. Also, if you are a mouth breather at night, they do make chin straps that will reduce this (I don't need one, but likely wouldn't be able to wear one - see, fear of being unable to breathe). If you need one, they quickly go from terrifying to reassuring - I slept better the first night with one than I had in a decade or more.

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    4. Thanks for the reply. It is so good to hear from someone else who has been there. You know exactly how I feel. The instant panic I feel if someone even playfully tries to pull a light bed sheet or a scarf over my face is horrendous. I'm petrified of being unable to breathe.
      I think I need to psych myself into the idea that I can simply try it and see and not entertain the idea of being forced to use one.

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    5. I have claustrophobia and anxiety (among other things) so I was petrified of my mask, and thoughts of wearing it sent me from the room. My doctor gave me a plan to help me adjust to it that really worked for me. I started off wearing JUST the mask (I have a nasal mask) with the hose detached so my breathing would help the skin on my nose register movement and fresh air, rather than feeling blocked off. While wearing it like that, I sat in the front room and watched tv. This was comical to see, because I HAVE to wear my glasses to SEE the TV. I looked like a bird with glasses perched at the tip of my beak. After a few days of this, I was able to have the hose attached - while the machine was running - for a few minutes to an hour of TV time without panicking enough to rip it off. A few more days, and I was okay laying in bed (again, in the daytime) to read with it on and running. Then naps, and finally I slept through the night. Now, sleeping without it is what gives me panic; I remember too clearly the daily migraines, waking with a scream in my throat, and my partner constantly giving me a violent shake while I slept because I HAD STOPPED BREATHING for full minutes. Im now more afraid of dying in my sleep, and my mask wears *mostly* comfortably. I do think I'm going to switch to the "nasal pillow" version on my next mask replacement, however. It's a lot less of a mask and the one I tried on fit so simply that I was able to bury my face in the pillow! That hasn't happened in YEARS! (…peppered in all of this adjustment *may* have been moments of my partner helping me by having adult romps wearing it. Maybe. ��)

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    6. Regarding mouth-breathers: I have a deviated septum that's far enough over that I typically *can't* breathe through my nose. The techs tried me on a full face mask and I dried out so bad I couldn't speak to tell them I needed water. So they tried me out on a nasal mask for the second half of the night and found WITH positive airflow, I don't mouth-breathe! Yaaaay!

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  6. I think just some random screams would be good, and then a voice cries out, "No! Not the gumdrop buttons!"

    I dunno. I'm not feeling creative tonight. :)

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  7. For the first time in my life, the idea of a fart machine is making me laugh.

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  8. One of those Halloween haunted house soundtracks. You know, with the random screaming and creepy children laughing. I think you'd get a mechanic worthy "Well, there's your problem right there."

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  9. Shelley in So. ILApril 8, 2015 at 10:44 PM

    You are making me LOL tonight! Best of luck with your study. I think nearly every person I know over the age of 60 has a nighttime breathing machine. Not that I'm saying you're old or anything. Really, I'm not.

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  10. Please update us on this one! And thanks for the smiles.

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  11. I'd be SO creeped out by the idea that someone could hear what was being said in my bedroom, but I'm glad you're able to just have fun with it. At least you get to do the test at home instead of in a sleep center. That should give you much more accurate information. I hope the test went well and will yield results that lead to the best treatment for you. That has to be scary and awful to keep waking up in a panic. Please let us know how everything turns out.

    KW

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  12. The cats should be having a conversation, planning the trouble they are going to cause tomorrow.
    "Tomorrow I'm going to totally sit on anything she tries to do." "Yeah, and then we can refuse the food again. That ALWAYS gets them." Oh! Oh! Oh! I haven't longingly meowed at the wall in a while, I could do that." "Nah, just poop 2 inches away from the litter box."

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    1. OK, that is hilarious and makes me want to record my cats at night ... just in case.

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  13. Good golly what kind of sleep study IS that???!!!!??
    If you have to get a CPAP..... you will hate it and love it. Been a year and a half and I both want to dismember and kiss my CPAP.
    Maureen S

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    1. My snoring started it all too. My husband and I weren't sleeping in the same room. When I did sleep with him I snored so loudly it woke him up. He also said I breathed funny. Well went to the doctor for a checkup and as an afterthought I mentioned the snoring. Now I have a cpap machine, and full face mask and have slept with him every night!! Once the adjustment is made (and it can take a while so please be patient) sleep and life can be so much better. It reduced my fatigue, tiredness, anxiety and occasional bouts of depression.

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  14. Jen, stuff like this is why I don't have to meet you to know I love you!

    My older son had obstructive sleep apnea and once we eliminated ALL forms of dairy, it went away. He's 20 and back on dairy with no apnea.

    My younger son had central apnea and he outgrew it in time.

    As a mom of a kiddo with narcolepsy, my life has included more sleep studies than I care to think of. I wish they could have done some at home. If Dr. Ajai is taking adults patients (he does occasionally), his staff is excellent!

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  15. Both of my kids had sleep studies but the first one at a clinic was a nightmare. They didn't have pediatric equipment and I'm pretty sure my son picked up a case of lice there! Anyway, the hospital did great. My daughter woke up 140 times during the night and my son was not getting enough oxygen. So she has a cpap and we love it! He had his tonsils and adenoids removed. Praying you have success! I think good sleep is as important as eating well.

    Suzanne

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  16. It's very odd how creepy the sound of salt being swished back and forth in a metal cake pan sounds when the rest of the house is silent.

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    1. It's very odd someone would know that. Now I want to try it!

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  17. Oh god, my dad did an at-home sleep study too, but they didn't say anything about being able to hear him. Could be they just forgot as the doctor he had was a real idiot. (She told him he should lose 20 pounds. My father lost over 200 lbs during his cancer treatment. They literally removed his stomach, so weight gain is now a really good thing for him, since it means he's actually digesting his food) Too bad she's not your doctor (I'm assuming you didn't come all the way to NJ) because I'd love the chance to mess with her.

    You can always start randomly speaking in Latin in your "sleep." Or make weird monster noises and have John say, in a very resigned voice, "oh crap, not again. Where did I put the number for that monastery with the old priest and the young priest?"

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  18. Well Jen, how did it go?!

    Anonymous #1, I'm sorry to hear of your health troubles. I can somewhat sympathize. Hope you get some solutions soon. Also, it's interesting to read of the kinds of masks. I've been putting off a sleep study because I'm afraid I'd be claustrophobic, so this was rather reassuring to read.

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    1. Thanks Jodi (I am anonymous #1). I'm remaining hopeful. It's really helping me to hear so many others say that they were freaked out/claustrophobic about the mask and yet have found ways to persevere and feel better. I am going to really think this through and when I'm a bit mentally steadier with this new diagnosis I.may .gulp..NO, I.will try again.

      Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. You're a bunch of good eggs, you know?

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  19. That would be awesome. Maybe you could bribe a close friend to make the noises for you, that way the physicians will know it's not you. :) Or place noise makers on the cats. Or pre-record sounds on a tape player... Oh, now my mind is wandering... 6 more months til Halloween. Darn it!

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  20. OK Jen don't leave us hanging for too long, please. Love, love y'alls sense of humor.

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  21. I think John should read aloud to you, once the test has started. Being read to helps you sleep . . . how about a nice horror story for the Dr or maybe some erotica!

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  22. I'd go with a classic like "Begone foul beast!" I apparently talk in my sleep since my husband and I got together, mostly when he comes to bed late at night, and I have issued all sorts of geeky statements basically telling him he isn't coming to bed like "You shall not pass!" or "begone creature of stink and filth." Yeah. My subconscious apparently is expecting a Balrog or a dragon.

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  23. Oh my GAH! I wish I'd known soon enough to send you a little gift! I "inherited" a prank toy called the Eviltron when someone tried to hide it in my office. It's this brilliant little battery-speaker-chip combination about the size of a quarter and it has several settings... creaky floor, nails scratching, sighing, a whispered 'Hey can you hear me?", and worst of all... a child giggling. Because what's creepier than a little kid, right? (Just me? ok... )

    Pretty sure you can get these through places like ThinkGeek, but I'd happily pass mine along for sleep study enjoyment.

    Beth

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  24. If this shows up twice I'm sorry!
    Hope your sleep study went well and they're able to figure out how to help you even if you may have recorded some Poltergeist movie soundtrack, but not enough to be identifiable, and maybe some voices talking about a wood chipper all while you registered as asleep. Hope they're able to take care of you, not in some evil stereotype mob way either.

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  25. My husband is claustrophobic about things over his face, but he sleeps fine with a nose-only CPAP mask. And he doesn't like to go without it even for one night because it makes so much difference in how well he sleeps. They make a huge variety of masks, so if it turns out you (or anyone you know) needs a CPAP, please keep trying masks till you find one that works.

    Because I can speak from personal experience about the consequences of untreated apnea. My kids' dad passed away before CPAPs were invented, and we're about 99% sure it was from untreated apnea. He would stop breathing in his sleep for so long that eventually it caused him to have seizures, which led to his death. Today it just wouldn't happen because he'd have been diagnosed long before that point.

    But I made my current husband go get a sleep study the moment his snoring and pausing breathing during the night got noticeable, and trust me, he appreciates it. I'm not trying to scare anyone; apnea is so easily treated! It one of those things people don't realize can have such major consequences if it's ignored. So please, people, don't ignore it!

    And good on you, Jen, for getting your sleep study. I only wish I could think of some good way for you to mess with them. Although I suspect you're not the first to try. :)

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    1. Geez, maybe I should make my husband get a sleep study. He alternates between chainsaw snores and being so quiet I've actually checked his pulse. He has septum and sinus issues so he may have had one when he was younger, but not in the 15 years that I've been sleeping next to him, so...

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  26. My husband first got a CPAP machine about 15 years ago. His first one sounded like a jet engine and it took us weeks to get used to the noise. The modern ones are so quiet you can hardly hear them and the masks have improved a lot too. I have also had to get one about a year ago. Believe me if they say you need one persevere with it. It doesn't take as long as you think to get used to it and it could save your life.

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  27. If I fall asleep without my CPAP, I wake up repeatedly with my heart racing and gasping for air. I tested the masks that cover your nose, but felt panicky. I use a nasal pillow mask that sits under you nose on your upper lip (like when you put your finger under your nose to stop a sneeze) with the air hose out the side. Very low profile and comfortable. I've logged over 21,000 hours with my machine and traveled with it too. Absolutely has helped my health and quality of life.

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