Wednesday, May 19, 2021

22 Cursed Objects I Found Antiquing That Must Be Shared


I go antiquing for three things: 
 
1) the cute nostalgic stuff from my childhood,

2) the cool history stuff from before my time, and
 
3) the cursed objects.



YASSSSS.

Cursed objects are hands down my favorite. You know what I'm talking about: the creepy, the inexplicable, the stuff that makes you recoil in horrified laughter shrieking "WHY???"

Yep, that stuff's my jam.

So last week for my birthday - and after a loooooong 2 year hiatus - John and I spent a heavenly 3 hours finding every cursed object in my favorite antique mall here in Orlando. (I also found lots of cute and cool stuff, but that's for another post.)

You ready for this?

And full disclosure: I 100% love most of these finds, and I'm already regretting not buying a few. So let's see how many you love, starting with...

LEVITATING LETTIE:


At first I thought this was another boring garden ghost statue, but then I spotted her feet. She hangs on the wall and FLOATS, y'all. Perfect for over the bed in your guest room, behind the door in the bathroom... really anywhere someone can stumble across her unexpectedly in the dark.


Now, I know clowns are the low-hanging fruit of the cursed object world, but what can I say? I'm short.


Besides, it's really the hands on this one that bring the noise. You can tell they're supposed to be holding something, but what? A musical instrument? A bone saw? An even smaller version of itself that slowly siphons your soul into its ceramic cheek zit until you're an empty husk haunted by off-key circus organs that drive you into oblivion?

::head tilt::

Or maybe jewelry?


While we're having these thought exercises, imagine, if you will, the design committee that decided there was a market for flocked elephant boobies:


"EYES UP, MISTER"

I don't know how an elephant can flash its nipples and still look that affronted, but here we are.


Can a plastic bubble bath container be a cursed object? I report, you decide:


Personally I find this literal "cowboy" hilarious, but he also appears to be a human wearing a cow mask, so best not to ponder that one too long.


Hey, remember Tasha Yar's death scene in Star Trek:TNG?


Cool.


One neat thing about antiquing in Orlando, you find LOTS of old Disney stuff. Which can be, um, hit or miss:

This Snow White has seen things.



But not as many things as Dopey.


If you like terrifying renditions of classic children's characters, then do I have a salt and pepper shaker set for you:



 Not gonna lie, at first I thought this was Hoggle from Labyrinth wearing a jello mold. Disappointing.


The tag says this is a bobble head, but all I see is a donkey urinal:


 I'mma need someone to build a full size urinal version, then come up with an appropriate "ass" pun to go with it. FOR SCIENCE.


I spotted a high shelf filled with Norwegian troll dolls - you know, like the famous ones at Epcot? - but one of these on the left was NOT like the others:


Tell me that's not a Tuskan Raider from Star Wars wearing purple eyeshadow.


Right??


When you're tired of Victorian-era ghosts and want a haunting that's a little more groovy:


Ahhh, I can already hear the subtle warped strains of "Stayin' Alive" drifting from your radiator grate.


Here's the most cursed example of sponge-painting I've ever seen - and that's after a career fixing sponge-painted guest baths in the early 2000s:



No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Pay no attention to the drips by the hairline... which appears to be made of real hair.)

I'm guessing that's an ash tray (hurk), but tell me Right Said Fred here wouldn't be a perfect tampon dispenser. Right? 'Cuz if ever an expression said, "Hey there! You look like you're ready to murder someone! Can I help?" it's this one.



Now let's give our gag reflexes a break with the most adorable creepy-cute creamer dish:


I love her.

In fact, if she's still there when I go back I'm totally buying her. I'll stick blue hydrangeas in her head and display her in the Wonderland room.

I'd also like to point out that Bailey up there is an example of proper face placement.

Unlike this:


No, sure, just put that lid line anywhere. 


POP QUIZ TIME:

Which is more horrifying: the thought of peering into your coffee cup and seeing THIS crawling out?


... of the fact that this coffee cup costs nearly $300?

o.O



Do you want ghosts? Because this is how we get ghosts:

(Don't worry: I looked it up, and this is a reproduction "Aztec" shell mask used for home decor, which are disturbingly common online. Why. WHY.)


Let's jump back to some creepy-cute goodies, because I think this cookie jar is adorable and only has like a 20% chance of killing you in your sleep:


Same with these wind-up toys:


And these angry lettuce heads:


 I think I missed this episode of Veggie Tales.  0.o


Here's a mystery challenge I'm calling, "Do We Really Want To Know?"

It appears to be a chicken with its head cut off... and a clown face drawn around the neck stump area.

Sweet Stay Puft, y'all. SWEET STAY PUFT.

(I found a whiskey label on the bottom. Should have known alcohol was involved somehow.)

Another personal favorite coming up, and yes, it's another clown. But I can explain!

Doesn't this look... familiar?





AND THEN IT GETS BETTER:


Omigosh, y'all. I bet Evelyn was/is a HOOT and we would totally be friends.


And finally, you know I saved my favorite for last.

Preeeeeesenting, the one, the only...

One-Eyed Willy


... the cockapoo.

A cursed, cursed cockapoo.




I hope these brought a little more joy and possibly more interesting nightmares to your life. Which were your favorites? Which would you buy? And do you want to see the NON-cursed fun stuff I found, too?


*****

Also if you like the silly things I do here and want to help fund the fun, you can support me directly through Paypal! Whether it's a one time tip or a monthly donation, every little bit helps me and John keep pouring our time and hearts into this little corner of the internet, so THANK YOU, I love you, pass it on.

::MWAH::


94 comments:

  1. Your little brown creature with the whiskey label on the bottom could possibly be a Haggis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. K, so, I *thought* I knew what haggis was, but clearly more Googling is required. :D

      Delete
  2. the wee whisky bottle is a Scottish Haggis sold in every tartan tat shop in Edinburgh with a wee dram inside

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  3. "Anthropomorphic Lettuce Babies" would make a great band name!

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  4. I had one of those frog mugs when I was a wee sprout. My mother served my milk in it. I thought it was GLORIOUS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had one with a blue whale - also glorious!

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  5. Is it wrong that my first thought after reading the suggestion about putting Levitating Lettie above the bed in your guest bedroom was that it would be super awesome to paint Lettie's exposed skin with some glow-in-the-dark paint?

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    Replies
    1. That is not wrong, that is brilliant. You get an awesome decoration and a guarantee that guests aren't to overstay their welcome. Win-win.

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    2. Ditto. Though I was thinking just the eyes...

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    3. This thread is further proof you are all my people. <3

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  6. The mighty haggis is always a creepy creature. Though that one is more bird like than some of the version. I present the example on Wikipedia which is on display in one of our major Museums here in Scotland https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_haggis as a true example of creepy cute.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rats. I tried pasting this into my browser and it didn't work.

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    2. Oh wow, I've been missing out my whole life not knowing these creatures exist! Or don't exist. You know what I mean.

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    3. Eventhough it is clear that that *is* a haggis, I also felt like it really looks like a fancy version of a yellow waterlily pig, check the tag #ulpukkapossu on instagram to see what I mean. (Tag in Finnish)

      Also, that cookie jar is giving me major 'the beginning of Ghost Ship (2002) -vibes. Eesh.

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  7. Humpty Dumpty to me looks like he's "taking" a dump. Maybe you should get it & put him in the bathroom?? :-)

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  8. That first clown might be a pipe holder! My dad smoked pipes and I've seen some weird chair-side pipe holders out there.

    I would have bought that floating ghost girl! Paint her eyes with glow in the dark paint and bring her out every Halloween. Haha!

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  9. Hey everybody...let's give it up for Anthropomorphic Lettuce Babies!!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Careful, too much applause might go to their heads.

      ;)

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  10. I love the labeling on these things. Not just lettuce salt & pepper shakers. Anthropomorphic Lettuce Babies salt & pepper shakers!!

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  11. I'd take the jello mold hat wearing salt & Pepper. I do have "Thor" an evil cat salt shaker (he did in the pepper) who is demonic with claws out. I think he threw the voltage switch on the occupied Japan dogs. They all have ears straight up and large eyse, like 220v just went thru them...

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  12. The Baileys creamer is part of a full set! They're the cutest!
    Look at all the adorbs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True! So perfect for a Mad Batter Escape Room.

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    2. I've had one of the mugs since I was a kid and I'm so glad they're falling on the cute side of creepy/cute!

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    3. We have a set of the Bailey’s mugs, we got them at Red Robin over 20 years ago. They survive every purge we have had because of their creepy cool vibe. Never realized just how Alice in Wonderlandy they are though!

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  13. That Dopey figurine bears a striking resemblance to Mr. Bean!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THAT'S why it looks familiar! Bahaha!

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    2. That's what I was coming to say!

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  14. looks like that shop is a little full of themselves with those prices...eekk!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Many antique malls just rent space to individual sellers that set their own prices.

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    2. Yep, like Texpenguin said the prices vary wildly from booth to booth. Several sellers are actually pretty reasonable, and we often buy things for under $10.

      Delete
  15. All FANTASTIC! But, no mention of the pig musical trio in the foreground of the mask photo?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I noted this too. The pigs made me laugh!

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    2. Ha, the mask definitely distracted me. You could bring me up and down the same aisle in this mall 10 times and I'd see new things every time; there's just so much to take in! That's what I love about this place.

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  16. does one eyed willy look like falcor to anyone else? no? ...just me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I absolutely thought he was supposed to be Falcor.

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    2. YES! I called him Falcor's evil cousin on Facebook.

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    3. Yes!! I came here to write that but you beat me to it!

      Delete
  17. My family has the bailey's cups and we use them at christmas. It was great the year my sister insisted on using the centerpiece she had made for the occasion which turned out to be a terrarium full of baby doll heads.

    The cursed object love may be genetic.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh my gosh, you literally made me LOL and now my secretaries will be coming to make sure I haven't lost my mind. Random thoughts:
    *Levitating Lottie: I laughed SO hard when you mentioned hanging her in a place where someone will stumble upon her in the dark!!
    *The clown: what disturbed me even more about the hands is that they look like they belong to a woman, while the clown's face is male. Did he kill someone and steal her hands?!
    *The flocked boobied (be-boobied?) elephant just made my day. Why is it holding what looks like a jar of honey? I like to think that it is friends with Pooh bear and it is a house warming present.
    *The cow/boy is DEFINITELY a cursed object!! I couldn't stop staring at it. I think it holds some hypnotic power over me! Saaaaaavvvvveee me!!
    *Tasha Yar: I don't remember the death scene, but this tchotcke should definitely keep Lottie company in the guest room or guest bathroom!
    *Snow White et al: Why do the dwarves have weird names on them? Why is she "Bianca?" Doc looks the most "normal" but next to him, "Lolo" has a pig nose. Poor Lolo. Also, where is the 7th dwarf?! Did the guy in the sports car in front of them run him over? Somebody oughtta report that.
    *I simply laughed at Hoggle with a jello mold on his head. And it will be in my nightmares tonight.
    *Donkey: In what universe is this a bobble head?! What a very large and disturbing pink lower lip.
    *I fully agree that looks like a Tuskan Raider with blue eyeshadow (Maybe she went out with the scary groovy boy? He sports the same eye look!) Making it even funnier is the gnome next to him, with the benign, yet slightly dopey look. He is SO gonna be murdered!
    *WHO on earth would pay $25 for groovy boy? And why would they need him in their life? Is there a doorstop shortage? A museum of ugly lawn ornaments?
    *Sponge painted hobo looks like he'd be friends with Cow/boy.
    *Why are the chattering toys so cheap compared to everything else? Maybe the owner(s) have a soft spot for kids? There are collectors who'd probably pay more for these items, if they still work.
    *Even more disturbing than the angry anthropomorphic lettuce is the teapot or creamer behind them! It's nightmare inducing!
    *Brown haggis creature made me realize that, at least today, Jen and I might share a brain! I didn't scroll down far enough to realize she wrote about it. I decided to really look at the picture and decipher what it was and I saw a chicken's body with a clown face. When I read that Jen had written the same thing I nearly shrieked. And also, I worry that the haggis will start a gang with the creepy creamer and the clown mug. Cow/boy and sponge hobo will be the muscle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs names are in Italian. Bianca=White; Doc=Dotto; Grumpy=Brontolo; Sleepy=Pisolo; Bashful=Mammolo; Happy=Gongolo; Sneezy=Eolo; and Dopey=Cucciolo.
      ~LST

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    2. AAAAAhhh! Now that makes sense! Thank you.

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    3. You're welcome!
      ~LST

      Delete
  19. There's no way that baseball-face windup toy only has a 20% of killing you in your sleep. That's thing's gotta be closer to 40%.

    The unknown liquor bottle (that's probably Scottish) has an Alice in Wonderland vibe that I'm liking a lot. If it weren't too expensive, I'd definitely buy it and stash it either on a book shelf or in the garden somewhere to happen upon.

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    Replies
    1. that's a Madballs! they were popular in the mid-late 80s, basically baseball like balls with weird faces on them. "Boys" toys were strange....

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  20. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that the Humpty Dumpty pair would fit in perfectly with my collection of weird, warped, and wonderful S&Ps. 😱

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    Replies
    1. I have a pretty big collection of vintage S & P's, along with a few newer whimsical sets. But my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE are the wee fruits and veggies with faces on them! I have, among about a dozen other sets, that exact angry pair!

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    2. We have a lot of weirdo, inexplicable S&P sets too! Unfortunately, we haven't had a place to display them since we moved here 15 years ago, so they're still in boxes. (It's been a relief not having to dust them all, though!) My favorite ones are a skunk and an accompanying cowboy holding his nose.

      Delete
  21. My Aunt had a very fancy, professionally designed home in the mid 1980's. The black glossy statues featured prominently in her living room. We children were not allowed to touch them because they would get fingerprints all over them.

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  22. My daughter found the boy version of that bailey's cup (he has a bowtie) at goodwill about two months ago and lost her mind. She loves it so much! So I say go back and buy it!

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  23. For more cursed cowboy look up "Cowboys of Moo Mesa". The bubble bath is from a tv show. Never watched it, but I remember seeing ads for it.

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  24. The doll is my favorite! I would totally hang her up on my bedroom wall. And maybe sneak it in the teenage kids rooms once in a while 😈 I must say- I have a cockapoo and he looks NOTHING like that 🤣🤣🤣 He’s adorable and the whole neighborhood loves him lol!

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  25. Dang girl, you shop in the twilight zone! Please send directions!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahaha, it's linked in my post: the Orange Tree Antique Mall. And I gotta tell ya: this place can't hold a CANDLE to the oddities we see at the big Renninger's Extravaganza that's held in Mount Dora 2 or 3 times a year. That's THE place for cursed objects, definitely go if you ever get the chance!

      Delete
  26. PUT A CHIA PLATE IN THE EVELYN CLOWN MUG!!! CHIA JOKER!!!!!!! or green hair or something. Please <3 <3 <3

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    Replies
    1. Ohhhh you are an evil GENIUS. I love it.

      Delete
  27. I'm I the only one that saw one-eyed Willy and thought, "That's a luck dragon!"???

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    Replies
    1. NOPE! I totally thought the same thing!

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    2. The urge to make a joke about getting lucky... IS STRONG.

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    3. Apparently, he is a Royal Haeger pottery winking dog bank. Indications are Haeger also did a winking cat. Personally, I've never seen a winking dragon...but I'd like to!

      Delete
  28. My mom has the Haggis! And a matching Loch Ness Monster, they're almost certainly older than me and I'm no spring chicken now. That made me smile. :)

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  29. The clown with the purple hat is applying his makeup. I had a lamp with a very similar-looking clown in my bedroom when I was a kid. I repeat...I had a clown lamp in my room. As a kid. Like toddler/preschool age. Ahh the early 80s.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I have a hazy memory of a briefly-lived parade in WDW that featured clowns. Can you imagine that nowadays?? And of course I'm conveniently not mentioning how *I* was a clown for a few years back in high school. I suspect that's why my tolerance for them is so high. ;)

      Delete
    2. I not only had a glowing clown lamp in my room, but decorative clowns my mother MADE for my room... because the glowing lamp wasn't creepy enough?

      Delete
  30. It's Cowlorado Kid from Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa! Classic 90s TV

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ruq29u2-AJM&ab_channel=Ms.LizUniverse

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    Replies
    1. I made it through 2.5 minutes and I gotta say, those cows can sing.

      Delete
  31. I sure did not expect to ever see the C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa and Madballs show up in this blog.

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    Replies
    1. It's been a day of discovery for all of us. XD

      Delete
  32. Omg, I have Bailey!! It was part of a gift set package of Bailey’s my dad bought for my husband when our first son was born. We learned the hard way that Bailey’s, being a cream liquor, spoils—went to pour son a 21st birthday celebratory drink but poured a cup of chunks.

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    Replies
    1. Was it... unrefrigerated for two decades? Or in the back of the fridge for that long?

      No judgement here. My Mom had parmesan cheese in her fridge that was older than my (then) 25 year old song, and my Aunt brought a piece of my parents' wedding cake to their 50th anniversary party.

      Yes, she saved SOMEONE ELSE'S wedding cake for 50 years.

      Delete
    2. Absolutely unrefrigerated, on a shelf in the fancy packaging. Big lesson learned on not being afraid to use up pretty/nice/fancy things and instead enjoying as the giver intended.

      And I didn’t even save a piece of my own wedding cake, so kudos (...I think?) to your Aunt!


      Delete
  33. The purple-eyed troll is an Arensbak from the Smoky Mountains near Gatlinburg, TN. I've been to visit their workshop; they are super-nice people! :) My sister has a huge collection of them.
    https://www.trolls.com/store/c1/Trolls

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    Replies
    1. Aww, those are adorable! And much less Tuskan Raider-y, though I can see they're the same style.

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  34. I love the little angry lettuce! I think you should totally go back for that creamer, because filled with hydrangeas, it'll be beautiful/magical 💙

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  35. Ok, not for nothing, but there is a pretty creepy short story written about, and titled, Chattery Teeth, authored by none other than Stephen King. Definitely a cursed object!

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  36. I'm especially amused that the seller of the donkey urinal added "very cool!" to the price tag. Are they trying to convince the buyers or themselves? Lol!

    ReplyDelete
  37. The post from "Monika" on May 20, 2021 at 6:51 AM should probably be deleted, if possible. That's a first seeing someone comment like this on your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the heads up, the spammers are getting faster! o.0

      Delete
  38. Did anyone else find it slightly disturbing that the "Cowboy" is holding one "hand" behind himself and
    his right "hand" is pulling his belt down in front?

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  39. OH MY GOD. When my (now) husband lived in Madison, and I lived in Chicago, we'd talk on the phone to each other on Saturday mornings and watched The REAL Cowboys of Moo Mesa together. I think it was on in the late 80s or early 90s. I would LOVE to get my hands on a Moo Mesa piece.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I love both the cursed and non-cursed discoveries posts! They make me smile. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  41. Antiquing is increasingly becoming one of my favorite pastimes, especially because of cursed stuff like clown-chickens. It's a time capsule of the kind museums won't offer, including gross items as well like racist memorabilia, or a terrible thing I saw: a lighter shaped like a woman's body in a bikini with visible exposed nipples spilling out. Antique stores or fairs are never short of fascinating in all the best and worst ways.

    ReplyDelete
  42. guess I won’t be sleeping tonight…

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  43. And here I thought the first clown was a wine bottle holder. So it looks like he is drinking his sorrows away.

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  44. Pssst, I have a set of the Bailey's cups, boy and girl, that are languishing in my cupboard. Can I send them to you??

    ReplyDelete
  45. Sooooo, is no one seeing Snow White as hella constipated? Anyone? No? Just me then.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I like the idea of levitating Lettie, painted with glow paint and put in the guest bedroom. Might get the guests to leave sooner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, this is why we turned the guest room into a video game room: we literally have no room for a guest bed, so no one can stay with us! ::evil grin::

      We're always telling friends to convert their guest rooms into something they'll actually use and enjoy - then tell the relatives there's a lovely hotel up the street, ha.

      Delete
  47. Oh hey! Cowboys of Moo Mesa merch! Haven't seen that show in a donkey's age, and my mom was always a lil weirded out by it. Basically... a comet somehow lead to cows turning into cowboys? I think? I'd have to look it up, but yeah. 90s cartoons man lol. The character, btw, is the Cowlorado Kid. Yes. It's 90% puns 10% wtf-ery lol. So long-winded way of reassuring you that, yes, that is a cow-man shampoo bottle and not a man in a cow mask!

    ReplyDelete
  48. That doesn't look like a cockapoo. That looks like Falcor!

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  49. I kind of like the Aztec mask. Does that make me demented?

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  50. Nobody:

    Affronted elephant (glaring angrily down the bridge of her trunk): How daaare you! My eyes are UP. HERE. *Great trumpeting "Harrumph!“*

    ReplyDelete
  51. Cowboys of Moo Mesa!!! Billy Dean, another Floridian, sang the theme song.

    ReplyDelete

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