Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Lars And The Real Need For Polish Food

[runs in]

YOU GUYS.

The weirdest thing happened at dinner last night.

John and I'd taken his mom out for her birthday, and we were at a little Polish restaurant across town. Everything was going fine, all potato pancakes and beety borscht, when I looked up and noticed something... off... about one of the other diners across the room. His group must have arrived after us, but I'd been too busy talking to notice.

I was seated directly facing him, and since all of the tables between ours were empty, it was hard NOT to notice this old guy in a hunting cap. He sat ramrod straight, his face in profile to me, glaring down the length of his table.

The rest of his party (there were 6 of them) were clustered at the other end, leaving at least one or two empty chairs between themselves and Hunting Cap. They were in high spirits, and judging by the birthday balloons, I figured this was just a family celebration with the obligatory cranky uncle no one wanted to be around.

But he was so STILL.

Another 3 seconds of peripheral squinting, and I realized with a start that Hunting Cap was, in fact, a stiff. Or more accurately, a life-sized mannequin.

Wearing camouflage.

Sitting at a table.

In a Polish restaurant.

Right. Now here's where it gets weird:

Five minutes later, I darted another look over at Weekend At Bernie's, and you guys, I am not making this up: he was staring right at me.

What's that? You want a visual to go with this nightmare fuel?

Then by all means, come share in my horror:

(It looks like I pixelated Bernie's face, but I didn't. That's just how he looked.)



Can you see the eyes? CAN YOU?? Because I could, and it freaked me RIGHT THE HECK OUT.

Unfortunately I couldn't run shrieking from the room, because A) he was right next to the exit, and B) this was my mother-in-law's birthday dinner, and how do you ever live that kind of thing down? (I took these pics when she went to the restroom.)

So instead I laughed maniacally - just to show everything was A-OK, no problem here! - and proceeded to carry on a wide-eyed, overly attentive conversation with my table mates regarding the proper use of dill in pierogies, all while frantically darting looks at the Thing staring at me from across the room.

This went on for several sphincter-clenching moments, until a few more members of Crash Test's party arrived.... and started talking to him.

They greeted Don't-Blink-McMurder-Face and laughed and tweaked his hat, and by the time they sat down, he was staring down the table length again:

Did I mention he had a corncob pipe in his mouth? Is any of this surprising you any more?

I'd like to point out I was being very discreet taking these photos, but at this point John leaned over and hissed, "You've got to stop taking pictures! They might notice!"

At which I turned to John, incredulous.

"They brought Chuckie's grandpa in for dinner, and I'M the weird one here??"


Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Seriously, Jen? You like borscht??" Yes I do. Beets are delightful. But if you're also thinking that maybe - juuuuust maybe - that was NOT a mannequin staring at me in the Polish restaurant on Monday night, but in fact a real live person, well first, why? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT?? ...and second, allow me to dissuade you of such a hypothesis:

 NOPE NOPE NOPE HAIL NOPE

That's right: the thing had its head cranked all the way around to watch us leave. And we had to walk within 5 feet of him to get out. And the soup of the day was pea soup. (Again, NOT MAKING THIS UP.) And holy wow was he even creepier up close.


When I described all this to my friend Sharyn, she made me promise I'd include this:


::snerk::

See, puns DO make everything better!

Bahahahahahaaa!! Aha! Ha. Heh.

::whimper::



60 comments:

  1. Only this ... could have me howling with laughter at a quarter to midnight ... after a horrendous start to the week this was JUST what I needed - THANKS, JEN!

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  2. I laughed out loud. Don't blink mcmurder face! Squealing.
    DOES HE HAVE A MENU?! Did they give him food?? Am I assuming the gender of a mcmurderface??

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  3. Jen - I want your life!

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  4. My goodness. How...unique!

    Also, for the record, I love borscht and it's on the dinner plan for this week at my house ;-).

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  5. I really hope Creeper's family catches wind of this and offers an explanation. I'm sure it's a whopper!

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  6. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    *breathes*
    Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Oh man, this is great. I would have taken so many pictures if I'd seen that.

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  7. Eh. Just your a average night at a polish restaurant! LOL. So, Borscht, pierogies, what else? Inquiring minds want to know, what other wonders were on your OWN table? LOL. Or were you so, umm, concerned about the other table you missed it. Oh, and you skipped telling what Mominlaw had for dessert! Come spill it. LOL.

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  8. Did he have legs? Because it's hard to tell.

    Didn't you stay to see them take him out? I would have sat through another round of desserts and coffee, just to see if someone carted him out, or if he walked out under his own steam! :O

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    Replies
    1. He *did* have legs, and I'm pretty bummed I didn't get to see him in transit, as it were. Like, did he ride in the passenger's seat, or the trunk? These are the kind of questions that need answers!

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    2. As I was driving home from work yesterday & not long after reading your post, I saw Super Mario Brothers Luigi in the hatchback of the vehicle in front of me. He was facing me. Alas, I didn't get a picture because I was driving.
      -SM3

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  9. One Ive been to that resturant. Super yummy. two. WTF......

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  10. So many questions, is that his going out for Polish food outfit? If so, what does he wear around the house? How many outfits does he have?

    Maybe that's not even his family, they just sat there and he was already there... Have you been to the restaurant before?

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  11. Is this normal for that group? or that restaurant? or your town????? I KNOW it's normal for your life. ONly you...

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    Replies
    1. It IS Florida... This probably isn't the weirdest thing that happened herethat night!

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  12. You should have gone over and introduced yourself to him! Also, I kind of want to start taking a mannequin to dinner with me. One with remote control head movement. Me? Evil? No, why do you ask?

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  13. It would have reached a new level of weird if they had ordered for him.....

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  14. I wonder if this were some sort of interactive robotic/remote camera thingy for a relative who was far away that the family has made up like that to make it seem more, er "lively". That or they were just enjoying creeping people the heck out.

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  15. Ok, so for once I am actually too creeped to laugh.... W.T.F was up with that whole scenario?! My head would have exploded if I was in your position, or I would have felt compelled to pick a fight with him for staring?! I just don't even have a point of reference for how they o respond! Does kind of remind me of a Big Bang Theory episode where Sheldon tries to only interact with the world remotely through a computer/bot.... but I still am overwhelmingly creeped and a tad curious. Apparently my humor line ends at borderline autonomous manniquins - who knew?! Might need to go watch that episode of BBT now so I can sleep.... eek.

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  16. Ewwwww, that is too creepy for words. I'm sure there is some awesome family story about why they would bring Creepy McCreepface to a restaurant but...that is just strange.

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  17. Oh man, I don't know if that particular restaurant's delicious stuffed cabbage with mushroom sauce and pierogies could have made me stay there the whole time!

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  18. Knowing me I wouldn't have been so discreet taking pictures lol. But that is definitely weird and creepy. At least it was a mannequin and not a taxadermied real guy right?
    But you're right. Borscht is amazing :D

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  19. Somebody questions and none of them are things that you're going to be able to answer that is so strange. Lol Im rolling. As in nopig right outa there.

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  20. Ok, I want to play devil's advocate and suggest maybe this isn't so creepy. I went to a wedding reception once, that had a dummy at the table. Because the bride's brother was deployed over seas. So he was there by proxy. He was dressed in camouflage, and had a "Hi My Name Is" sticker. They all called the dummy by the brother's name, and took snapshots with him. It was sweet. And kinda sad.

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    1. I bet you are totally right. I am hoping you are wrong though and they are just weird. :)

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  21. Huh, 11:30 and I should already be asleep, but, hey, an EPBOT post I haven't read yet, thar will give me something pleasant to think about while I go to sleep. Jen's posts are often funny but always pleasant.
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    Welp. Been disavowed of that notion.

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  22. The next post in my blog feed was this: https://notalwayslearning.com/youre-model-teacher/46828. I don't think anyone could have planned it better. Haha.

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  23. Chuckie's Grandpa!!! Love it. Good thing I'm not reading this at work or I would be in disgrace for laughing so hard. I would have been totally creeped out - it almost looked like it was wearing a beige Vader mask.

    Joy

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  24. Have you seen that stuff about Victorian people doing big photoshoots with the deceased to commemorate them? Have you seen that?

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  25. Haha, I love how it's getting darker and darker outside in the photos as it progresses :P But I agree with Laurie T.'s comment, even though the dummy is scary as hell. And yes, I can totally see his eyes!

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  26. Replies
    1. Jen,
      Next time you visit the restaurant, ask the wait staff the story.

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    2. We did ask the staff; they didn't know! Ha!

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  27. oh i would have needed to make friends with that crowd...

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  28. You should have asked the table he was with what he was. :-) How strange!!

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  29. Come to DFW and eat at a Babes Chicken. We've got old stuffed fellas that sit at tables near the entrance/exits.

    One of them scared the heck out of some people who broke in to rob the place.

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  30. Lars and the Real Girl, such an endearing movie.
    I was a live-in nanny for a family that had a smallish-but-life-size clown stuffed doll that sat on a chair in the hall right outside my bedroom. The damn thing gave me a start every time I entered the hall, especially at night when I came out of my room to use the bathroom. It wasn't too bad until I was the only one home for a weekend, and I swore the head turned when I walked by. Yeah, it got tossed in the kids room really fast.

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  31. Okay, I could almost accept the "standing in for a relative who can't come" reasoning, except... that last photo!!! There is no good and wholesome reason for having his head completely turned around the wrong way like that!!! AHHHH!!!

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  32. You know, whenever there's a picture on Cakewrecks that I can't make any sense of, I head straight for the comments section, because I can count on your readers to have figured out a plausible explanation or two. But I see that here they have come up empty. No, "oh, they were selling those last week at Walmart, didn't you see the advertisements?", no, "oh didn't you know, that's the latest trend in Japanese robotic grandparent companions?"

    Laurie T. comes closest with her idea of honoring an enlisted family member who can't be present for the celebration. But to buy a mannequin whose movement is activated by a motion detector? That seems a little... over-dedicated to the family member.

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    Replies
    1. ha! That was my first reaction too, run to the comments!

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  33. Not to laugh at your tragic dinner experience, but this post is hilarious.

    I probably would've walked right over, or yelled from my seat, and asked his name and if I could take a photo with him! haha.

    --Piper P from Washington State

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  34. I'd be glad to loan you a transport chair if you want to do this at the same restaurant some time. But I want to know when and where so I can sneak pictures of the people watching. And what street is this on so I don't go there without knowing? (Used to be south Otown and now up near the winery)

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  35. Is it wrong to read a post at work and then laugh out loud so hard you pee yourself a little?

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  36. Not to be a rain cloud, but I have a similar story about a gentleman who visited a zoo regularly. I'd rather not say which to protect him just in case. He was always seen pushing around a female mannequin in a wheelchair. He'd buy her food and talk to her like she was responding. After some time the staff learned that his wife died tragically young and he was so deeply hurt he believed this doll to be his wife. I was staff there and was told as part of training that we should talk directly to her if we happened to engage with them, because it deeply offended him if she was ignored. I'm not saying that's what is happening here, especially since the head got flipped around, but I do feel the need to add a different filter to the event.

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  37. Gotta say , I would have asked the wait staff and then I probably would have wandered over and asked them. Nice and polite and all. But if you act that odd in public, I get to ask what's up...

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  38. Oh My GOD! Borscht. I love that stuff.

    Totally creeped out by the mannequin and thinking I have to get myself one to travel with.

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  39. The LARPing place my son goes has a mannequin in the lobby that models different medical gear they sell. One year for their Halloween party, an instructor dressed as the mannequin, stood in its place - and then moved when people walked by him. He got a lot of screams.

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    1. Uh, make that "medieval gear". Autocorrect- sigh.

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  40. How many people were sat at the table? Some people don't like to have 13 people sat at a table so they add a seat (or a mannequin?) or sometimes a model cat to ward off bad luck.

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  41. HA!!! I get it now!!
    I read this piece yesterday, and enjoyed it and thought about Polish food, which I like, and the creepiness and the funniness and the strangeness, and then went about my day. Today I peeked in to see if anything was new, and all I saw was the title and I get it! Lars and the Real Girl is a great movie, and, well, anyway, I finally "get" the title. It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you!

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  42. I'm guessing that this is a group of Disney Imagineers out for a dinner, and they couldn't leave their work behind. Oooohhhhh - or maybe they liberated an animatronic character from The Tower of Terror at Disneyland and brought it to the Orlando area for a visit with its friends?

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  43. ...That's kind of creepy. Group mascot?

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  44. It's well known that mannequins love pierogies. Starch stuffed with starch--just what mannequins go for. At least here in Pittsburgh.

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  45. I bet the thing has a radio controlled head - the party with him...it... have a running gag of setting him up and then, messing with people - especially people who notice or actually stare at the mannikin. Think about it; it's a GREAT practical joke, fairly simple to do if you're into robotics at all

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  46. I have nothing helpful to say. Just that I was having a very bad week and reading about your nightmare-fuel dinner honestly made everything okay for just a few minutes! <3

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  47. I love borscht and believe more people should be introduced to its tastiness (though I've only had St. Petersburg-Russian type, and I know recipes vary greatly), I love "Lars and the Real Girl", and I think it is hilarious that you had this experience. (I totally would have been taking pictures, too!)

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