Wednesday, August 26, 2015

When "Almost" Is Enough

Note: I wrote this two days ago because I needed to write it, then decided to wait to make extra sure I wasn't dying before posting it. I'm better now, though still not great. So now you can read this:



It sounds like the start to a bad joke, but yesterday John and I had some bad bologna. Within minutes of our first bites, we were hit with nausea, migraines, and - in my case - recurring heart palpitations.

I spent the rest of the day and into the night alternating between clutching my head and my stomach, and those blasted heart palpitations kept bounding in to do a little dub step (WUB WUB) every hour or so.

In the past, a single heart skip was usually enough to trigger a full-on panic attack for me, so it is with mixed pride and misery that I tell you I've weathered at least 3 dozen in the last day and a half, and though my palms are sweaty as I type this, so far I've avoided a full-blown attack. Low-level anxiety, sure, but I'm doing my breathing exercises and taking long, slow strolls on the treadmill desk and trying to stay busy...  and I've been having the most curious sensation through it all.

It's a kind of... expectant hope. A delayed-reaction relief. I can SEE the end of the tunnel, and though each new heart skip tells me I'm not there yet, I know I'm just a little bit closer. I know I'm not dying. I know it's going to get better. And that knowledge makes me - to borrow a phrase from the Bloggess - furiously happy.

Sometimes it's true that we need the dark to appreciate the light. We need our inner wars to fully cherish the times of peace. I hate this feeling right now. I hate it. But I'm learning that even this hate will - sometime soon, I hope - be transformed into gratitude. I won't always feel like this. I'm going to be steady and strong and serene again. And when that time comes, be it another few hours, days, or even weeks, I'm going to remember this terrible, fear-fueled hate, and I am going to love the ever-living CRAP out of my life. 

I can almost feel it, you guys. I can almost taste it. And that almost-feeling is getting me through the consuming feelings of fear and pain and awfulness.

So I guess for now, "almost" is enough.





P.S. It's possible this can't all be blamed on bad bologna, of course, since my doctor upped my thyroid meds last month. Rest assured, I'll be dialing those down again, starting tomorrow.


38 comments:

  1. I completely understand how you feel about the thyroid issues. I, too, struggle with severe anxiety and one of the first signs that my thyroid medication dosage is too high for me is when my anxiety goes through the roof. I've recently lost a large amount of weight, so my medication has had to be adjusted twice already (most recently about 2 weeks ago). For a few weeks in the beginning, I would just suffer through...and then I thought, "I don't have to do this. I'm pretty sure I know what's causing my temporary insanity and my doctor is really good about listening to what I tell her." So as soon as I feel it coming now, I make that call first rather than last. It has really helped. Thank you for sharing your struggles and victories. I know it helps me know I'm not alone.

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  2. Congratulations on knowing the tunnel will end and you will get through this issue one moment at a time. Just think of those extra heartbeats as reminders you are alive instead of dreading them. Be furiously happy and keep the faith that you - with the support of your hubby (the ever loving John), family and friends - will get through this safely.

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  3. So glad you both are not dying! So sorry you went through that. I totally understand the "almost" thing also. I hope you both continue to feel better.
    Maureen S

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  4. Amen sister. Hopefully feeling better (really better, not just less worse) comes soon.

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  5. Congrats on keeping the panic beast chained. That has to be very hard work. And being sick from bad food - very few things are worse than that. So I am glad you and John are on the mend and very proud of you for posting this. Hoping Lily and Tonks are cuddled up with both of you.

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  6. Favorite words in the Bible, according to some..."It came to pass" because, thank God, it didn't come to stay. It's a hard thing to learn and know that things will pass. That the migraine will go away. That the nausea will end. That broken bones will heal and the pain will go. You get through it. Even the sorrow that comes from loss will pass.
    I have heart palpitations too, skipped beats and extra beats, and an increased pulse rate. It's a terrible feeling. Many nights I spend trying to sleep but unable to because my heart just won't let me. I do have a bulge in the wall between the ventricles, so that's the cause of it. The resulting heart rhythm is supposedly not a dangerous one, but it's still scary. I just keep telling myself that it'll be okay, it'll pass, it'll end. And it does.

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  7. Dehydration can cause palpitations so DO NOT "dial down" your thyroid meds without giving it some more time. Please. :)

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  8. Yikes! I'm so glad to hear that neither of you are dying, and wish you both a speedy recovery.

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  9. Keep in mind that an increased dose lowers your TSH.

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  10. You have come so far in your struggle with this, it's absolutely inspiring. To quote one of my favorite old TV shows, sometimes you have to take a step back to see you've really taken a hundred steps forward. No, the step back isn't pleasant, and I'm glad you're feeling better since the onset of this (dumb bologna!), but to know that you've been able to keep the anxiety in check through the misery has got to be encouraging. Like you said, the end of the tunnel is coming. My prayers and thoughts are with you as you keep fighting!

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  11. Praying that you rush through this tunnel and get to the light at the end of it quickly!

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  12. *Virtual, introvert-crafted hugs* Would you like for me to send you a Whoopie Pie? Or bring one down in November? (I live just south of L/A in ME) Probably not the healthiest choice, but.....

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  13. So glad you're both okay, and so proud of you for getting through it with a level head!

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  14. High Five for Almost! Kermit Flail for Almost! Almost is HUGE. Almost means you've got the reigns and the anxiety may put up a fight, it will never win.

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  15. more Kermit flailing here too... beat by beat and treadmill-step by step, towards the light at the end of the tunnel.. allons-y!! feel lots better soonest!
    K

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  16. As a fellow heart-palpitator, and one who has strange food allergies, I get the feeling of "dying" when not feeling well.
    Heart is going to explode, stomach is going to explode and you'll be found in a puddle of blood, poo and vomit.
    No way for a queen to exit the scene!

    See? Something to live for! (kidding) Day by day is all you can do.
    --Piper P

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  17. Not to make light of your situation, (cheers to you for you for weathering the diarrhea storm without a breakdown!) but is there such a thing as "good" bologna?

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    1. Ha! And would you believe I'd *just* convinced John to buy some? I've always liked bologna, but he's more a premium-deli-meats kinda guy. I guess we'll be going back to sliced Boars Head turkey after this...

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  18. Oh. OH. Your words really resonated with me. I know that feeling. And I know that feeling that came when I realized there was hope there.

    I wanted you to know that. :)

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  19. Hahaha! That's what I was going to ask! Maybe this will convince Jen and John to never eat bologna again.

    Sorry you're having to go through it though, Jen, and happy that you have somehow turned misery into hope. You're awesome like that.

    KW

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    1. Whoops. I meant to post under Rachel's comment.

      KW

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  20. D'oh! Forgot to tell you how much I've been enjoying the Epbot ads at the bottom of the Cakewrecks posts and how much fun it's been searching for the hidden (or disguised) Eppies. That's his nickname, right? ;-) Yesterday's R2D2/Eppie was great! Well, they're all great! Really hope they're bringing you some more traffic to Epbot!

    KW

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    1. Oooh, thanks! Those are all John's doing, and I had no idea he was this good at graphic design! He takes about 20 minutes each night to make the next day's banner, and he LOVES tweaking/hiding the Eppies - which I shall now call them. ;)

      It's doing wonders for traffic; so far we've *doubled* Epbot's daily page views. So many Wreckies don't know about Epbot, or think it's all Disney stuff or geek stuff, so it's nice to showcase a variety of goodies.

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  21. So glad you're okay, and yay for hope!

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  22. You are amazing. Your courage, your grace under pressure and your willingness to share your journey continue to impress me.

    I don't comment often (hello, social anxiety that is heightened where social media is concerned) but I read all the time and always enjoy what you have to say.

    So, mostly what I'm trying to say is this: thank you and keep being awesome!

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  23. Oh no! I'm so glad you're gonna be OK though. I've had more than a few cases of food poisoning in the past. It sucks. x.x

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  24. Yikes. SO glad you're doing better. The fear of the fear in a panic attack is almost as bad as the actual attack. And for me, just thinking that I MIGHT throw up is enough to cause palpitations, whining, crying, and making sincere pleadings and promises to God. Luckily, I'm learning to approach Him with a clearer head, since the guilt of realizing things like, "Wait. I don't even really WANT to abstain from frosting" once the nausea passes is too much. Take care, Jen.

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  25. I'm so glad that even though you were sick, it didn't smack you down mentally. Feel better and know you are loved by an immense internet cheering squad!

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  26. You know who's awesome? You're awesome! I'm glad you were able to stick it out. I know that grounding using the 5 senses helps me when I'm about to have an episode.

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  27. Wowee. I'm at a similar place -- I have shingles! The rash isn't bad, but I have nerve pain that's very intense, and three days ago it all centralized into one small spot on my back. There is no way to get through this without drugs strong enough to make me just about useless...frustrating.
    I am keeping myself going pretty much the way you are. Knowing it won't last forever, and that this attack could be a one-time thing. I would, however, urge everyone to look into the shingles vaccine. This is no fun (except for the dreams I'm having from the pain meds).

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  28. Good for you, Jen!!!!

    (And weird but effective food poisoning tip - eat half a head of iceberg lettuce plain, as soon as possible. It usually works.)

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  29. You may already know this, Jen, but it sounds like you are having Preventricular Contractions, which, unless it's all your heart is doing, are harmless. My father worried needlessly for YEARS about this. It's usually genetic, I have them, and it doesn't feel good to have your heart go ga-LUB, but I've had them since I was a child, and I'm 63 now. Here's an article about PVCs. Read the second paragraph first--I found the first paragraph too medicalese-y. I, too, suffer from anxiety, going back to tiny-hood. We are brave people, we anxieacs (how's that for a word?) and I honor you as brave as any. If you know all this, ignore it! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premature_ventricular_contraction

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  30. Note: I wrote this two days ago because I needed to write it, then decided to wait to make extra sure I wasn't dying before posting it. I'm better now, though still not great. So now you can read this:

    Yeah, I can see an issue with anxiety/panic attacks. How to tell if you really should be concerned, or is it just your body over reacting over something small.
    Though any food poisoning would likely be a valid concern, especially if it makes your heart start doing the dub step stupids. Getting immediately violently ill is unusual though, was there a bit of time between the baloney and the issues (like y'all were busy while eating and were taking your time etc), or might it have been something else (or a combo of the two) because normally it takes some time, or you'd have likely had other clues (like bad smell)?

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  31. I'm a long-time reader but seldom commenter; I'd like to thank you for the frankness of this post and others in which you've openly discussed your medical problems and the associated complications. That resonates with me and I appreciate it. :)

    I'm going to editorialize a bit here; if any of this is TMI or too boring, please feel free to skip over it. I am inspired to share my difficulties due to your bravery and honesty. I personally have serious medical problems that include:

    - A blood clotting disorder and a *massive* blood clot in my inferior vena cava, which seriously impedes my circulation. It also means that I have to take blood thinner and not suffer any major injuries because I essentially have medically-induced hemophilia (my doctors determined that it is LESS dangerous for me to be a hemophiliac than run the risk of clotting again - when my clot formed, I narrowed avoided death. If it had it gone to my heart, lungs, or brain, I would have died instantly). I also have to wear support stockings. Imagine wrapping your legs from the knees down in the most constricting lycra you've every worn. That's what I do on a daily basis.

    - As part of my disorder, I have ladyproblems about which I'm quite sure your husband and male readers don't want to know! My blood clot was precipitated by the birth control pill (TO ALL XX FEMALE READERS OUT THERE - IF YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF BLOOD CLOTS IN YOUR FAMILY, *DO NOT* TAKE HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL PLEASE!) For me, this means that once a month I am incapacitated and have a standing prescription for codeine so I can function and not lose my job.

    - I also suffer from clinical depression (which, to some extent, is a "medical depression" because of my health problems) and take Pristiq. I'm a professor of literature and am reaching the end of the time I'm allowed in which to earn tenure, so I've been kind of freaking out and suffering from MAJOR anxiety lately, for which I now take Klonopin.

    - I broke a molar last night, which hurts a LOT. I have uneven enamel on my teeth and like candy more than I should. I probably need a root canal/tooth extraction (I AM going to the dentist on Monday). For me, any kind of oral surgery is dangerous because of my blood thinner. Having had one root canal, I know this involves ordering a different kind of blood thinner and GIVING MYSELF MULTIPLE INJECTIONS IN MY ABDOMEN until it's safe for me to have oral surgery. Last time it took over a week for my blood levels to stabilize, even with twice-daily shots that cost about $75 each.

    -Due to the medications I take, I sometimes experience sleep paralysis. It's a phenomenon in which you're not quite asleep but cannot move and, since you're on the border of REM sleep, may "see" things (which may be the origin of succubi/incubi stories). It's also common to experience intense anxiety because you may feel like you can't breathe and are on the verge of suffocating (check out Fuseli's painting "The Nightmare" for a vivid rendering). I've done a lot of reading and have learned that no one is *actually*in danger of death during sleep paralysis. I've learned that it calms me down to count my breaths (to remind me that I AM still breathing) and to embrace that I'm sleeping and consciously "transition" into a lucid dream.

    I COMPLETELY understand hating what your body and/or mind is doing to you. I had anger management problems for a LONG time after my blood clot because I so mad that I had to constantly deal with medical problems at a time when I wasn't even sure in what subject I wanted to major (I almost flunked out of college during my sophomore year because my clot closed over during Spring Break and I was in excruciating pain and couldn't walk for months on end. It took almost a year for the doctors to figure out what was going on - for a long time the main theory was that I had lupus). Sometimes it feels so UNFAIR...

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    1. (Sorry for the two-part post - I apparently exceeded the character limit because I spent so much time virtually flapping my lips.) ;)

      ...However, the more I talk to people, the more I realize that SO many of us suffer from various challenges. My stepfather and brother-in-law take ADD meds. The only reason my sister isn't on anti-anxieties is because she's a nursing mother. My best friend from work is on anti-depressants and is married to someone on the spectrum. I can't EVEN begin to tell you how many students have told me they are dealing with serious challenges in terms of their physical, mental, emotional, and learning abilities. I am really starting to believe that these sorts of hurdles are FAR more "normative" than the "supposed norm" and I think it is SO GREAT that people like you are addressing them.

      On the heels of that, as a professor and a geek who spends too much time on the internet, I've spent *A LOT* of time (Alot of Time - heehee) talking to people about the pros and cons of the internet. I honestly believe the freedom and relative anonymity of the internet reveals much of the worst of human nature (I'm looking in the directions of YouTube comments and the MRA forums on reddit here, for example). However, there are also MANY "safe spaces" on the internet that foster respectful discourse and exchange of ideas, which represent the BEST of human nature. I believe (and have told others!) that your sites are a perfect example of the latter.

      Best,
      Jaime
      :)

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  32. I'm very happy to hear your positive and uplifting outlook, Jen! It is amazing to read your posts and to see how far you have come. I hope that this bout of bologna-induced illness was short-lived!

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