Note: I wrote this two days ago because I needed to write it, then decided to wait to make extra sure I wasn't dying before posting it. I'm better now, though still not great. So now you can read this:
It sounds like the start to a bad joke, but yesterday John and I had some bad bologna. Within minutes of our first bites, we were hit with nausea, migraines, and - in my case - recurring heart palpitations.
I spent the rest of the day and into the night alternating between clutching my head and my stomach, and those blasted heart palpitations kept bounding in to do a little dub step (WUB WUB) every hour or so.
In the past, a single heart skip was usually enough to trigger a full-on panic attack for me, so it is with mixed pride and misery that I tell you I've weathered at least 3 dozen in the last day and a half, and though my palms are sweaty as I type this, so far I've avoided a full-blown attack. Low-level anxiety, sure, but I'm doing my breathing exercises and taking long, slow strolls on the treadmill desk and trying to stay busy... and I've been having the most curious sensation through it all.
It's a kind of... expectant hope. A delayed-reaction relief. I can SEE the end of the tunnel, and though each new heart skip tells me I'm not there yet, I know I'm just a little bit closer. I know I'm not dying. I know it's going to get better. And that knowledge makes me - to borrow a phrase from the Bloggess - furiously happy.
Sometimes it's true that we need the dark to appreciate the light. We need our inner wars to fully cherish the times of peace. I hate this feeling right now. I hate it. But I'm learning that even this hate will - sometime soon, I hope - be transformed into gratitude. I won't always feel like this. I'm going to be steady and strong and serene again. And when that time comes, be it another few hours, days, or even weeks, I'm going to remember this terrible, fear-fueled hate, and I am going to love the ever-living CRAP out of my life.
I can almost feel it, you guys. I can almost taste it. And that almost-feeling is getting me through the consuming feelings of fear and pain and awfulness.
So I guess for now, "almost" is enough.
P.S. It's possible this can't all be blamed on bad bologna, of course, since my doctor upped my thyroid meds last month. Rest assured, I'll be dialing those down again, starting tomorrow.
Add the Epbot Button to Your Blog!
Right-click this image to save it, and then hyperlink it to www.Epbot.com on your blog sidebar. Voila! The world becomes a better place.
- ► 2016 (127)
- John Made Us New Epbot Pins, And They Are SO COOL
- August Art Roundup: Paper Ponies, Tattooed Belle, ...
- When "Almost" Is Enough
- Dragon Con Survival Tips (New & Improved!)
- Wizarding World Eye Candy: My Best Shots
- Tale as Old As A Galaxy Far, Far Away: Beast Chewi...
- Tampa Bay Comic-Con 2015, Part 2
- Flight Of The Flamingo Cane
- The *Other* Story Of Mertie The Snail
- Tampa Bay Comic-Con 2015, Part 1
- These Layered Wood & Paper Pendants Are Tiny Weara...
- The Top 3 Steampunk Switches For Your Inner Mad Sc...
- Friendship Requirements
- Cinderella's Royal Table: Photo Tour & Review!
- Tampa's Fanboy Expo 2015: The Best Cosplay
- ▼ August (15)
- ► 2014 (150)
- ► 2013 (159)
- ► 2012 (232)
- ► 2011 (187)