Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Buckle Up, Kids, We're Making A Meat House

So here's how my Monday night went:

You'll be happy to know approximately 97% of you voted for laughy face, and only 3% gave me the judgy eyebrow. See, I knew you were my people.

I find that the best way to begin any major undertaking is by cheating. And then using hummus for glue.

The crackers we were using didn't cut well, though, so how to cover those gaping ends?

Well, with MEAT FLAPS, of course.

Flappy flappy flappy.

I should note that John and I were randomly breaking into song during this process, and I bet you can already guess what we were singing.

Oh yeah.

"She's a MEAT... HOWWWWSE"

Super proud of that hashtag.

If you heard that in Kronk's voice, then please, I beg of you, BE MY FRIEND.

In retrospect, this is a real March 2020 moment, you feel me?

Theeeere it is.

This was a video from my Story of me zooming in on the roof collapse and doing my best Southern Handyman impression, but I'm too lazy to embed the video, so hey, let your imagination be your guide.

Every Floridian reading this: "THIS IS THE WAY."

 Also I fixed the hashtag.

And I stand by that spy name.

"Ahhh, we meat again, Prosciutto Tarp. Your undercover work is most impressive, but even with your repuration at steak, you never could resist... hamming it up."

::pauses to bask in the glory of all those puns::

Where was I? Ah yes.

BEHOLD, our finished meat house.

By which I mean it's finished; the side wall collapsed. Which was a shame, because I was right in the middle of adding some lovely shrubberies - not too expensive - with a little path running down the middle. (A path! A path!)


Rest assured my friend and John and I were fully masked at all times, and did NOT eat any of the actual Meat House, because with the collapse and subsequent scramble we were all touching everything way too much and were just generally squicked out by the whole thing, ha.


Completely unrelated to Meat Houses (you're welcome), but if you love bats or Batman or just clever design for useful things, then I think you'll appreciate this:

C'mon. Furled batwings as a key cover?? How cool is this? Apparently it can hold a bunch of keys, and keeps them from jingling in your pocket or, say, from scracthing up your sunglasses in your purse. (Not that I would know ALL ABOUT THAT. ::deadpan stare::)

I'm tempted to try making my own with some leftover leather scraps, but honestly $16 prime is hard to beat unless you have all the tools and materials. And hey, thinking ahead, this would be a sweet gift for V day! (Veterans, Valentines, OR Vagina.)

As always any purchaces you make through my Amazon links or lists gives a little back to help support Epbot, so remember, you're not just impulse shopping. You're helping! :D



  1. This made me think of the 'gingerbread' house challenge between Sohla El-Waylley and Priya Krishna. XD It might not have been gingerbread, but I would have eaten the heck out of Sohla's seafood structure. :D

  2. I don't know what sort of a sign it is from the universe that the song playing as I began reading this was, indeed, "Brick House" (although Rob Zombie's cover of it). I too immediately began singing "Meat House".

  3. I was very excited to make a charcuterie chalet this year (I'm not a gingerbread fan). Got loads of materials, filled my piping bag with whipped cream cheese and built a 3 story Aframe house of cards style out of saltines. Gave it pretzel and bread stick siding and cheese cracker shingles, with little dormer windows in the attic. I kept trying to add actual charcuterie, but I never liked how it looked so I'd peel it back off (and eat it). Eventually got tired (and full), so I never even got to the planned snow covered pine trees (string cheese) or rock fence (Colby Jack cubes with half gouda Baby Bels on top), much less the garden of various pickles and olives. Luckily, I've been happily noshing on the building supplies ever since!

  4. So, is Vagina day when you give your birth mother a gift on your own birthday? Or is there a whole damn holiday I'm missing out on celebrating?!?

  5. "Prosciutto Tarp" is the name of the boyfriend of Sailor Moon's less popular cousin, Sailor Moo.

  6. Instead of cardboard you could use matzah,, they’re the same size and shape, and even have a corrugated surface.

  7. I’ve seen this done with pretzel rods (think Lincoln logs) though I can’t find a photo. I’m definitely trying this next year!

  8. Ha! Matzah is much to fragile for the weight plus, it's sacrilegious which is why it all fell like a House of Cards! Seriously, do people really do this??

  9. See, the problem is that you matzoh was not designed to hold pork products. It just doesn't have the chops.

    1. I thought these were called "Dad" jokes, lol.

  10. Gluten Free Matzah yet. Oy. My cousins have to have that during Pesach (Passover). Celiac disease is hard. At least other Kosher for Passover products make their life easier with potato starch.

  11. Not to knock the Batman key holder, but I've been using a "bolt snap" hook like this one https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FM6QJY8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_yxt9Fb4DXZJSX to clip my keys to the outside of my purse, either on a hook that's already there or on the strap. It makes grabbing my keys on the go super easy and I never have to dig through my bag to find them.

  12. I cannot read the words "Oh, yeah. It's all coming together" without hearing Kronk in my head. I also can't read the word "shrubbery" without hearing the Knight Who Say Ni. Are there people out there who still can read those in a neutral voice?

  13. I love the meat house it is certainly fun and unique. A Gingerbread house would be possible too as there are plenty of easy Gluten Free ginger bread recipes out there.

  14. How about singing something to the tune of Love Shack for Charcuerie Shack? That's where I went.

  15. And a new Passover tradition is born! I'll forward pictures in late March!

  16. To make the meat house structure more stable, you might try hardtack (aka Finn crisp bread, survival bread, hard bread, or pilot bread). There are YouTube videos on how to make gluten free versions. I remember my grandparents buying Siljans Rye Crisp bread and it was hard!

  17. I like the idea of a meathouse, (meat-house?) Id suggest, instead of modeling like a traditional gingerbread house, starting with a meatloaf solid base, baking it, them using cream cheese or mashed potatoes as "frosting".As a bonus it would still be edible once finished and you could pat the roof with shredded chedder cheese and bake it again for a nice crusty cheese topping. (only if you use mashed potatoes though... not cream cheese)

  18. I suspect none of you listened when your mums told you to not play with your food. Good! This is hilarious!

  19. Oh my god. This is awesome!

  20. Chez Charcuterie or Maison de Charcuterie. Meat Haus.

  21. Am I reading (and re-reading) Epbot posts to avoid the "real" news? Absolutely.


    Thank you Jen: we need you now more than ever.

  22. It’s also a cholesterol castle. Lol. I love it and would totally eat it.

  23. Bread stick log cabin. Just putting the idea out there


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