Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Mixed Up, But Baked In A Beautiful Pie

I've been feeling a little stuck, a little mixed up, lately. Anyone else get that way?

Where a combination of the news and social media and seeing friends hurting leaves you heart sick inside, and IRL stuff offline - like work and laundry and fighting with the post office because Customs sent back all your international pin orders, or fixing that broken front door handle, or airing out the moldy smell from the car that's STILL there after buying mulch last week to spruce up a yard overgrown with weeds in the sweltering 94 degree heat even though it's October, Florida, so what the actual heck - all those things keep getting in the way of stuff you actually want to do.
 


Plus, as too many of you know, there's that one-two punch of a panic disorder coupled with an invisible illness. (Spoiler Alert: still have those. Dangit.) I hate feeling light-headed and jittery but somehow exhausted so much of the time. Mostly because when I get bad like this I'm scared - so stinking scared - of dying. Like, all the time. Every knee wobble or dizzy spell, I'm like, "Welp. Here it comes. This is it. And there's still so much I haven't done yet."

You'd think that would make me go all Hamilton inside, get fired up for the time I have left. You'd think I'd be working like a fiend, grabbing life by the cosplay horns, and writing like I'm running out of time.


But I'm tired, peeps. Tired, scared, and just trying to survive my own body's onslaught of misfiring autoimmune defenses, adrenaline, and wackadoodle hormones going "AW YEAH BABY TIME!" when it is most certainly NOT "baby time," ovaries, so chill the eff out.

So yeah, instead of working harder, instead of funneling my fear into hyper-productivity, I slack off. I binge-watch comfort shows, I take my meds, I cry while watching this Sara Barielles/Jessie Mueller duet from Waitress, because that shiz is raw and cathartic and the way Jessie sings "pie" is my favorite - and I wait.



TRUTH.


Look, I know it's going to be OK. I know my panic and Hashi's flares with my cycle, and I know things will be better in a week or two. I'm at the bottom of a well looking up, knowing a ladder is coming. That just doesn't change the fact that I'm still down here, ticked-off, tired, obsessing over if-onlys.

But it's not just me down here, is it? You - yeah, you - I see you. I got you. We may lose days or weeks at a time, we may lose career opportunities, we may even lose friends who don't understand, but we know the value of this fight. We know how precious the good days are. We cherish every belly laugh, every friendship, every piece of art or new fandom to obsess over. (Oh hi there, Critical Role...) We try to surround ourselves with light and laughter, with geeky shows and toys, with happy things we can cling to when life gets hard. It's why we're friends. It's why I love you. And it's why I work as hard as I can, when I can, to share smiles and silliness and new fandoms and art and all the beauty in life I can scoop up. Because this is our arsenal. These are our weapons. Others may not see it, but we are fighters.

And by God, we will fight.


Be right back, gang. Just gotta go slay some monsters.




P.S. If you need a good cathartic cry, close the door, turn up the volume, and watch this:

 
Repeat as needed.

Now scootch over, and pass the tissues.

39 comments:

  1. Yep, thyroids can be terrible things! =( And you are most certainly not alone in your fight! Even though my situation is not exactly the same, there are a lot of similarities. Praying that you have the strength of The Hulk, the humor of Iron Man, the genius and healing power of Shuri, the determination of Thor, and the steadfastness of Captain America! =) - Jo

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    1. No, wait ... I mean, the humor of AntMan! =)
      -Jo

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    2. That's the best nerdy blessing ever, I love it. And I'll take the humor of either; Tony's one-liners are legendary. :D

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  2. I really needed to see this today. <3

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  3. ((Hugs)) to anyone who needs them!

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  4. It's not quite the same but I feel your struggle. I had a terrible terrible cold during a very busy time at work so they needed me there, then as I was almost better I got a stomach bug and actually had to take a few days off work, and then the joyous period cramps as that was improving. I hope you appreciate the times you feel good, even if all you do is binge watch a great tv show!

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  5. Thanks. *hugs*
    Hormones do suck. x

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  6. Praying for you as you slay your monsters. I’m in the hospital recovering from surgery and almost ready to go home. Yay! Guess what?! The nurses wear communication clips and my mom said “That looks like Star Trek,” So the nurse clicked it and said “Beam me up, Scottie.” Her communicator replied “ Sorry the transporter is under repair.” That almost made me laugh with delight, but I got in a grin and a moan.��

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  7. Onion ninjas. Thank you needed a cyber hug today.

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  8. Oh my gosh, you're the only other person I've seen acknowledge that her panic/anxiety flares during ovulation. I mean...things get real over here. Solidarity!

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    1. Oh man, it's totally a direct line between the two - just took me years to realize the timing matched up.

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  9. I needed that last paragraph. Thank you xx

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  10. It's been a rough few weeks over here too. But we do what we can, when we can, and treasure the memories of those moments when we can't. Or something. I'm feeling it's PIE TIME things get a little bit better.

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    1. That pun just made things better. :D

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  11. Hee. One of the comments says to not watch if hormonal. Which I'm actually not, at the moment, but am writing this with a tear-streaked face nonetheless.

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  12. The first time I saw Waitress on Broadway (with Sara!) I sobbed the entire time. SOBBED. The second time I sobbed for most of it. The third time, I sobbed again. That show just does something to me. I could have so easily been Jenna in real life. I still sob when I listen to the soundtrack.

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    1. Okay, this is me except with Hamilton. I've seen it twice on Broadway and cannot get through the show with fewer than 3-5 tissues. I still cannot get through the soundtrack without becoming a sobbing mess for the last 1/3 of the show. I loved Waitress too. But Hamilton gets me every time.

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  13. You are not alone! I have Sjogren's and gastroparesis, which has recently stopped me from eating solid food entirely. I've known this was coming. I know it's not the worst it could be, But giving up food, which for so long was my favorite comfort in dark times, is hard! Thanks for the pie, I have needed a good cry for days!

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  14. I feel you. This week has been endless. If you need a seasonal pick-me-up, please go listen to the song "Sexy" from the Mean Girls musical.

    (And my daughter and I got to see the touring Waitress in L.A. a couple months ago. I was ready for good, but it was incredible!! And yes, watching that video made me cry again.)

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  16. This reminds me of a story I heard on West Wing.

    A man is walking across the street and falls down an open hole. He's stuck and can't climb back out. He yells, "Hey, can someone help me?"

    A priest comes by, looks down the hole and says, "I'll pray for you."

    He calls again. This time a doctor looks down the hole, writes a prescription and tosses it down to the man.

    He calls up for help again, and this time his friend stops and looks down the hole and then jumps in.

    The guys says, "What did you do that for? Now we're both down here!"

    And his friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down in this hole before. I know the way out."

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  17. Interesting timing on this post as curiously, I…um…had an Epbot/Cake Wrecks-inspired dream last night.

    I was with a tour group and we came to your house. You sat there talking with the group; I sat on your floor and your cats kept sitting in my lap. Then, when John appeared in the other room, I cried out, OMG it's John! And neither of you kicked me out or thought I was that strange. So thanks for being kind in my dream. :)

    It's funny how a blog or two read by someone you've never met can infiltrate one's life. That's how a complete stranger can empathize with you when you feel like you're down the rabbit hole. Until we find a way to fill the hole, we can at least offer an arm to grab onto to help lift you out. (Granted, I would completely understand if you wouldn't want to grab the arm of some random person dreaming of your cats, but it's there if you'd like it.) A real-life friend is so overwhelmed with work that he feels he's underwater, and I offered him a snorkel and reminded him to breathe and remember it won't last forever, even though it seems like it now. As long as we can all take turns reminding each other of that, we'll be okay.

    Thank you for the reminder, by the way. :) And thanks for what you do. It helps me when I go down my own rabbit holes.

    --Yet another Jen

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  18. I was in the well with you. It doesn't happen often to me, but no matter how many times it does, you still don't get used to it. You know it's irrational and absurd that we are feeling this way and yet, we still do. Mine came at the same time of the change of the weather mid sept, cooler temps, and family gatherings just seamed to add to it. Like maybe the positions of the stars really do have a way with effecting us. It took 2 days to climb out of the well, but it felt like forever. Thanks for sharing your story, it helps knowing we are not alone.

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  19. Ah, that nasty old well, I know that place. That's how I described it to my doctor when I got help four years ago. A well that keeps sinking lower, like the elevator at the Haunted Mansion. And the light is dim, and the voices echo and yet don't quite reach. Yeah, the well can piss right off with itself.

    What IS it about September as a month that makes it both suck and blow harder than a Shop-Vac? Without fail, I and everyone I know (online or IRL) that has even a slight mental health issue will go all screwy on some level, especially the creative ones. Here it is Oct. 4 already, and I still don't have plans, much less a new costume. No decorations up, either. I also have a series or nerd-based art quilts that I have all planned and want to start, but... meh. I need to watch some good ol' Universal Studios monster movies; maybe the Bride will inspire me!

    Oh, and about the hormones and Hashi's foolishness? I FEEL YOU. I turned 50 (shudder) back in May, hadn't had but one period in a year, so I start thinking OK, you are becoming a Crone, it's a sacred thing to be, so get over it. And then outta nowhere, WHAAAAAAAT? periods every 5-6 weeks or so, never any warning, like someone turned on a tap. And me rinsing out my panties and yelling "WHAT THE ACTUAL BLOODY HELL, I'M 50! FIVE-OH, damnit, this is just WRONG! 36 years is enough, I am OVER IT." And then I think of all the women my age or younger that wish they had my Fertile Myrtle Hillbilly genes and I feel kinda guilty for bitching. :/

    Don't stop rockin',

    Storm the Klingon

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  20. Hmmmm… I kinda think I'm the friend at the top of the well, lowering down buckets of brownies… or in this current situation, pie. 🤗 Continuing to pray for you.

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  21. Personally I think it is because the climate change has messed up us with freaking hot weather in OCTOBER! But you have friends who care, a husband to bet all others and two adorable felines to cuddle up with. Take time to take care. And maybe eat some brownies. Yeah, medicinal brownies.

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  22. I'm here too. I've been slipping downward for a couple weeks and finally hit the bottom of the well on Tuesday. I mentally beat myself up all day - not worthy, stupid, delusional - and Wednesday I woke up feeling like I had been physically beat up. I went to class anyway (yeah, 37 years old, going back to school), all 4 hours of it, and I can't remember a lot of it because I was in such a weird haze. But, I did it, and I think I can see that ladder finally. Maybe. I'm fighting, and I really needed this post today, thank you.

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  23. All of this. Right now, ALL OF THIS. ❤❤❤

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  24. It's been rough over here too, but you know what? Just being seen, like really SEEN by this helps. Just knowing that I'm not the lone ranger helps give me a little more hope that the ladder is coming.

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  25. I'm so with you.

    I've had generalized anxiety for pretty much my whole life, it's had a name for the last seven years. Earlier this summer I cut back on one of my antidepressants and stopped taking the pill, in hopes of kick-starting my libido. Ever since, it's been hell. I can't get a good night's sleep. Anxiety flare-ups are back. And when it's PMS-o'clock it's hell with a good pinch of roller coaster and lighter fluid thrown in. Add to this a back injury that WON'T heal (I have Fibro, too), continuous weight gain as a result of my *other* medication, and chronically deteriorating fitness levels, and you have my well.

    I'm in my PMS-week, again, and I feel so lost. Between the brainfog and the crying and the anxiety I don't know what to do anymore. I tried to write, but had to stop after 300 words.

    Earlier today, my bf told me that a ladder was coming, that it was terrible but I just had to wait it out. Now you're telling me. It helps. It helps being seen, and knowing I'm not alone at the bottom of this well.

    Oh- and I totally agree with our fight being worth it! Trying to maintain balance and positivity in my life is my biggest achievement, and a continuous source of joy:).

    Now, let's settle in and wait for that ladder together, shall we?

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  26. Have you read Stop the Thyroid Madness? I’m reading it now, though I should’ve a long time ago, and there’s so much I didn’t, but should’ve, known. Like how to take my meds, and supplements I’ve never heard of before (which is funny, bc I thought by this time that I had taken them all). Being on NDT has also helped. And apparently there’s another rx that specifically helps with hashis that I’ve never heard of before, that helps balance antibodies and prevent thyroid destruction.

    Anyways. All that to say: you’re not alone. And there are online communities for that too! That’s been helping me realize just how not alone I am.

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  27. Yup. I'm in that well with you, girl. Exhaustion makes everything else seem impossible. Maybe while we're sitting down here together, you can teach me to play one of the cool videogames that you're into? Or, if you want, we can relocate to my well in Wyoming. It's supposed to snow, YES SNOW here Sunday through Tuesday. I hate snow. Plus I hate cloudy days. Anyway, here is a corny joke to attempt to cheer you for just a moment: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snow balls!!

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  28. Just fyi, you can now easily play youtube videos on repeat. Just right-click and select Loop. Also, it's very dusty in here.

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  29. If you are ready for a pick-me-up video. I stumbled across Sarah Bareilles and Sugarland covering "Come On Eileen" live in concert. They looked like they were having SO much fun. So happy and bouncy! It might balance out the tears. https://youtu.be/TMDqkBjvdMg

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  30. Hang in there...hormones & heat are no joke. :(

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  31. I feel ya. Having just come off a week-long sinus headache (due to allergies? cold? who-the-hell-knows?), it royally sucks when you can't do what you know a reasonable adult would do, and there's no visible reason (excuse?) why you can't just push your way through. "It's just a headache. Even though my eyes are screwed in too tight, my teeth throb, and my entire forehead wants to implode, it's not like I've got the flu or a broken limb or..."

    It's so hard to shut up that part of my brain, and just take care of myself when my body says I need it most. Luckily, I've a good little cat nurse who all but grapples me to the chair when she knows I need to rest up.

    And yes, Critical Role is awesome and horrible and fantastic, and I have lost so many hours of my life to those twits. And I'm only a third of the way through Campaign 1!

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  32. Maybe you just need to pivot your feelings. Pivot! PIVOT! ;)

    Big hugs to you for everything.

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  33. I'm going through a rough time as well. I'm constantly working at my two jobs, no day off in weeks, not a whole lot of money, feeling stuck/not seeing a way out, and no time for friends or fun. I just can't take the news, and all the general horribleness out there.
    I was supposed to help make my sister's Halloween costume, but haven't even cut out the fabric yet. I'm trying to find the motivation to get stuff done, but just can't seem to find it. All the while I have my mom on me about the state of my room, and I just found out a friend is moving to North Carolina next week, and I won't likely see her before she leaves because of my schedule.

    I'm trying to find some good right now when I feel like my life is such a mess. I do have a trip to see a friend to look forward to next month, so at least that's something.

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