Sunday, March 29, 2020

What's A Little Therapy Among Friends?

I wrote this post over 10 days ago, tinkered with it for a few days, and finally shelved it because I decided it was too controversial.

Then my friend Briana posted something that hit home with me. She wrote about how useless she feels right now: how she can't deliver food, or sew masks, or 3D print respirator pieces, and it's breaking her heart to just SIT HERE when she wants to help.

That drove me back to this post - because this is a way a lot of you in Briana's situation can help. And in fact when I wrote this I was thinking about Briana and a few other friends in particular: people who are both empathic by nature and really excellent at being engaged listeners.

This is still controversial. This may not be feasible for a lot of you. But you know what? I can't deliver food or sew masks or 3D print things either, so this is me offering what I have, in the hopes that it helps, even a little, even one person.

*****


I woke up this morning (OK, this afternoon) thinking about therapy. Not my own, not for me, but for you. For my friends, my family. See, over the past few months I've experienced the bewildering benefit of having a scheduled hour each week to talk through my panic with a professional therapist, and now I want everyone I love to have that. I want you to have that.

But we all know therapy is a luxury most people can't afford, especially here in the U.S.. I'm extremely aware of how fortunate I am in that regard. Having a single hour carved out each week for me to talk about what's on my mind has been incredibly grounding. It's freeing. It helps me take out all my fears, line them up in front of me, and give them a frank look-over. And when I do that, my fears lose their teeth. They shrink. To paraphrase Mr. Rogers, the unmentionable becomes mentionable, becomes manageable.

And now here we are, you and I, separate but united in the things we need and want. Because after our physical needs are met, what we all most want is to be safe, to be heard, and to be loved.

And here we are, as a global community, amazingly enough, with a lot of fears, a lot of restless boredom, and a lot more time on our hands. So many of us want to help, to leap into the fray, but since we have to self-isolate we don't know how.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?
 
What if - and bear with me on this, hear me out - what if we all became deputized... emergency... therapists. What if we started scheduling an hour a week with each other through FaceTime (or Zoom, etc) to give the most sacrificial and loving gift we have to offer: our time and loving attention.

Obviously this comes with a metric ton of caveats, and if you're already thinking through red flags and "But what about...?" - VALID. I am by no means suggesting any of us can replace licensed mental health professionals. However. I know most people - or at least most Americans - don't have access to therapy, and right now we're facing an anxious time when even the most stable among us are feeling shaken. I also know many of you have the incredible ability to be a good listener, and right now you could do so much good with that gift.

Here's what I'm thinking:

1) Pick a friend. Someone you've known a while, someone you love, someone you genuinely enjoy hearing from. Not that you just enjoy talking to, mind you, but hearing from. There's a difference. If that hasn't narrowed it down enough, also make sure this friend is someone who seems like they'd benefit from a weekly check-in.

2) Ask that friend to commit to a one hour conversation via FaceTime every week with you. Put it on your schedules. Treat that time as sacred, as a formal appointment. Lock up the pets, tell your family not to interrupt, the works.

3) During that time, focus on your friend. Make the conversation entirely about them. Ask how they're doing, what they did that day, what's weighing on them. Ask, then really listen. Keep asking and listening until the hour is up.

And that's it. Now do it again next week.

 
Quick cat break, because Eva insisted I show you her belly. She'd also like to know why you haven't given her a belly rub yet, because cats don't understand quarantines OR social boundaries.



So what's in this hour-a-week thing for you? Absolutely nothing. Only the knowledge that you are giving something life-giving and useful and loving. This is a sacrifice most people would never make... but if I know this community, then I bet some of you are willing to step up and be the loving exceptions.

If you have the emotional energy you could even make appointments for a few friends, spacing them out through the week. If you're the empathic sort who soaks up emotions to your detriment, though, then be careful. Don't take on the world. Remember you can't "fix" anyone. Choose who you focus on wisely and selectively, and only do this if you have a therapeutic outlet yourself.

Which brings me to:



Flip side, think of someone you know and love that you really enjoy talking to. Someone who listens, who makes you feel seen and safe. I don't mean to put your friends on the spot, but ... ask. Be incredibly understanding and gracious if they can't, but ask if they'd be willing to listen to you talk for an hour every week, or even half an hour. Tell them why you want to talk to them. I promise there's no better compliment then being told you make someone feel seen and safe.

If you're in a relationship or have a quarantine roommate, this could be a great exercise to defuse any tensions during this tense time. Just make sure you don't schedule both "appointments" back-to-back. Space it out. You don't want your time to be a competition, or to be thinking about what you want to say while the other person is talking.

Now let's say you don't have anyone to ask. Maybe all your loved ones are too busy, or maybe you can't think of anyone you trust enough to be honest with. In that case:

Schedule your one hour "appointment" each week anyway. Set the alarm on your phone. No distractions, no putting it off! During that hour, set up your phone or your computer to record, and talk to the camera. It might feel silly at first, but keep going, push through. Remember, no one ever has to see this. So just start talking! Talk about what you're feeling, what you're anxious about, what you're happy about. If it helps, imagine you're talking to a friend, a beloved grandparent, or even me. Whoever it is, it's someone who loves you and wants to know all about your day and what you're up to.

Giving an audible voice to the thoughts in your head does things I can't even describe, you guys. It has power I don't fully understand; I just know it works. In fact, as a writer, I'm a little annoyed by how much better I feel talking versus writing. It doesn't seem fair! But with talking, there are no re-writes. You can't look back and tweak your phrasing or obsess over punctuation and grammar. Talking is more raw, more real, more human. And we need that human connection now more than ever.

 
 Although kitty connections are nice, too.  *boop*


I'll be honest, I don't expect very many of you to offer that hour per week to your friends. I'm not even sure *I* will, as I'm struggling to juggle so many virtual conversations and check-ins with friends and family while keeping both blogs going and fighting back my own anxiety. It's a lot for me, just like it's a lot for most of you. But maybe - maybe - some of you out there have the extra time, and a heart that's crying out to help.  Maybe some of you can do this. And if even one more human connection is made, if even one hurting heart is heard and comforted, then all of us staggering through this hugely long post I'm writing will have been worth it.

I love you guys. Now please, go talk your hearts out! Even if I can't be there for you for real, I'm rooting for you, and I'm there listening in spirit anytime you want me to.

I'd also love to hear your thoughts on this: the ways you'd change it to better fit your needs/schedule, things you think we should (or shouldn't) ask each other during our virtual check-ins, and whether or not you plan to try!


*****


P.S. Our Squeegineer give-away is still happening at the end of the month! The prizes are things John and I've either made or had in our closets for too long, and are just a little way for us to say thanks for supporting Epbot. Any of you who've given to us via Paypal are automatically entered (and thank you!), but everyone else can enter by sharing any Epbot post on social media, then e-mailing me a screengrab by the 31st. Check out the details and prize galleries here on the Squeegineer page

Here are a few new goodies I've added this month:

 I'm excited for all my little treasures to end up in your homes eventually. :) Happy e-mailing!


29 comments:

  1. My husband and I were just having a conversation about "how to help" yesterday. He understands that the answer is "stay the heck home" but it still feels like that's not enough. I just relayed your idea to him and he is game. Therapy is something he understands and values! Not sure it will be a scheduled thing but I like that we were able to put it in his head.

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  2. Long-time reader, first-time poster ;). I'd totally listen to someone if they needed to vent for an hour or so. And I have mild Asperger's so I could just listen or give whatever response is needed without the need to judge or provide advice. After spending 2+ years in weekly therapy myself I totally get the need and benefit of just having someone listen. I now rely on yoga a few times a week as my substitute for therapy...an hour or so of focusing on yourself has tremendous benefit. For people who don't have access to therapy or feel comfortable asking for someone to listen, check out a yoga studio - mine is doing virtual classes for as little as a $5 donation/session.

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  3. I think this is a great idea. My brother and I used to talk once a week or so. Now, we're checking in with each other 3 scheduled times a week. We've been doing it since social distancing started. And it helps. There's something about talking that's just so satisfying. And hearing someone else's voice in this time of being apart is HUGE for keeping me grounded. My bestie and I just set this up for once a week, too. We're handing off on the talking and listening, but they're both people I can open up to.

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  4. I'm a geriatrician in the Midwest, and one of the things that everyone can do that would benefit a group of people who are really struggling is reach out to people who live in nursing homes and assisted livings. Right now, the people who live in these facilities are completely cut off from their families, eating in their rooms, not allowed to hang out with each other, and have very few regular activities. Staff are trying, but it's really lonely. In my experience, older people are pretty savvy about video chat, so if you have a loved one living in a facility, please set up a regular video call with them - perhaps this is a good time for a StoryCorps-style interview! If you don't know anyone in a facility, or aren't feeling up for video chat, please send a card or a hopeful message to someone in a nursing home or assisted living. They need a lot of love right now.

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  5. There is a website I've been using when I need someone to reach out to and friends aren't available. And other people use it because it's a little more anonymous if it's something that is tougher to talk about with someone verbally or face to face

    https://www.7cups.com/

    It's focused on active listening, and doesn't offer advice. It also doesn't deal with crisis situations.

    I'm a trained listener myself. :)

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  6. I'm a volunteer counselor at the Crisis Text Line and I know first hand how important it can be to simply make a connection and be heard, by a friend or anonymous human. Whatever works. This is a great idea. And if you do just want to talk confidentially, text 741741. Someone is always there. It's not therapy, but we're happy to listen.

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    1. Thank you for what you do, and thank you for posting this!

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  7. Neither my sister nor I really like talking on the phone, but we've been doing the text/email thing way more often. It feels good.

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  8. I'd like to put forward some advice from my positive psychology class: get a positive train of thought going. One of the easiest exercises we were taught was to work on gratitude- go over five things at the end of the day that you're grateful for or happy about. You got out of bed this morning. You got dressed before noon. You took some time for self care or spent some time outside. Simple stuff you can feel good about doing and focus on, and importantly, stuff in your life that you have control over. I've been doing this (along with some steadying breathing exercises) and it's helping to lift my mood a lot. :)

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    1. I love this idea. I've often noticed that writing down a happy story makes me re-live that happiness and really savor it. Which, come to think of it, may be why writing about stressful things doesn't help me much, but writing about happy things does!

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    2. My daughter's name is Janessa. She was named for my best friend. I didn't know there were any others!

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  9. I recently started a daily "talk time" with my 6 year old daughter because she is facing a lot disappointment and frustration right now with missing half a year of kindergarten and not being able to see and play with her friends and being too young to care about video chatting or phone calls yet. And at first she didn't want to open up but once she did she has been doing 100% better! It was a huge turn around from day 1. Funny part is she doesn't want daddy around for talk time, just us and he's an actual therapist who works with kids and adults.

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  10. Not a therapist or anything, but I've been working with foster kids for 7 years and have learned to listen when needed from the thedapists we work with. Id be happy to be a liztener for someone! Thanks Jen for always thinking of us even in the hard times!

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  11. I like this idea, I just wish I had friends to talk with.

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    1. Hugs. And hey, since you're commenting here, that means you're online - which is the best place to start right now. Internet friends may not be as close as the ones you can see IRL, but they can be just as wonderful and life-saving at times.

      The easiest way to get acquainted with new folks is Facebook groups: join one that focuses on your interests, and just start posting! Or comment on other people's posts! That engagement can give such a boost, even if it's over trivial things.

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  12. I love the idea! I don’t even think it’s controversial, as it really just means committing to a conversation with a friend where you focus on listening, which I think makes a good friend! I will suggest one slight edit to what you said, though—as the listener, you can still get something out of it! I go to group therapy every week, and after many years I’m still struck by how helpful it is to listen to what someone else is going through and help them work through it, and then realize that you can apply all of that to your situation, too. We often give others more space to do the things they need to do to set boundaries and stay mentally healthy, but deny ourselves the same. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, oh wait, I should do that for me, too!

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  13. Just people listening to people is a big help. It doesn't have to be "therapy," just a shoulder.

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  14. I have zero idea how this is controversial. It's about helping yourself and others. It's being a decent human being.

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    1. Thx, Petrat. My hesitance was over talking about therapy/mental health alternatives; that's always a bit of a minefield online. I'm glad folks so far are taking my suggestions as they're intended, though.

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    2. You’re pretty clear here that it’s not a substitute for a licensed therapist, so I think you’re ok :)

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  15. As a healthcare worker, staying at home IS helpful to us. We know that there's one person that is staying as safe and healthy as possible. And that one person staying healthy limits the spread of disease among other people. So even if you don't feel like you are helping, you are!

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    1. That's such an important thing to remember, thanks for pointing that out, Alice. <3

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  16. I'm late, but I just have to say - Eva's belly is primo! I wish I could give it a rub! Please pet her for me. Thanks for the kitty pics. I'm too allergic to have one of my own, so kitty pics are day-makers for me!

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  17. I'm not the best at talking never have been. Instead I'll do what I did last night and cry for no reason for half an hour than go to stupid Walmart because suddenly I'm "essential". Then I spend my whole night at work angry when I hear coworkers just open mouth coughing and still seeing people walk out of a restroom stall and not even wash their hands. Can't say anything to friends because all of their posts are either, "OMG, I'm so bored but I'm glad I'm not stuck at work, lol" or "I've read so many books and played so many games since quarantine, man life is great!" How can anyone even pretend to care? So, I'll keep not talking because there's no point. Sorry, but there isn't.

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    1. I'm so sorry, that sounds truly awful. And scary. I'd be crying, too - but you have PLENTY of reasons, so please don't be hard on yourself. You're on the frontlines when most of us are safe at home, and that's hell. It's also that much more important you take a minute for you, even if it's just typing out things like this, to let yourself feel and vent and maybe scream into the void a bit. I promise people do care, though some of us are bad at showing it, and what you're doing matters more than you know. Hugs.

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    2. *hugsback* I bought myself Animal Crossing Thursday so now I look forward to that the whole time I'm at work.

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  18. I'm a person who can make masks, and I've been doing so furiously. If you can't sew but want to help, please, please reach out to your sewing friends, ask them what pattern they're using and cut out fabric for them out of your old t-shirts and such. I have blisters from cutting fabric and I could go so much faster if some could bring me the pieces to sew! It seems like a little thing but I spent 6 hours cutting yesterday when I could've been sewing- little thing add up to be big things!

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  19. I really agree that for the sake of our... humanity, that we're called on right now to bear witness for each other, to our griefs and our joys. I hadn't thought of doing it formally, but wow - what an idea!

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