I spent most of the past 3 days on the couch feeling uninspired and bingeing Youtube videos on how to organize your kitchen. I also ate a lot of non-dairy ice cream. Kind of my version of a bender.
Anyway, one of those videos walloped me with something profound, and I'm so annoyed by how accurate this is I have to share. I don't remember which of the 50 videos I watched had this in it, but here's the gist:
Perfectionism is a form of fear.
Fear of not being good enough, smart enough - fear of just not being enough.
As a life-long perfectionist who's currently wrestling with many MANY fears, and yet who never equated those two things to each other, can I just say, "OUCH"?
Because ouch.
Anyway, that's when John came in and found me crying into my Cherry Garcia over a pantry-organizing video. (Sometimes I like to imagine what John's Twitter account would look like if he had one. "Reasons My Wife Is Crying #217: We don't have separate bins for our pasta boxes... I think?")
We had a couple projects I was looking forward to cancel last week, so I got stuck thinking no one wants us to work for them because I'm not doing a good enough job. That I'm not helping enough, not handy enough, not writing enough posts or filming enough videos - just plain not enough. I know that's not true, but I have a hard time believing it's not true. It's exhausting, having a brain like this. Some of you have brains wired the same way, so you know. You've been here. Then we get frustrated at ourselves for feeling this way, but we're too tired to try any harder to not feel this way, right? (Tell me this isn't just me.)
Saturday was our 22nd wedding anniversary, and since I was down with a migraine, my brightest spot was sharing a few old wedding snapshots online. John loves my Story posts, so a lot of times I'm writing these just for him - and watching his face when he got to the two with his favorite songs was the best minute of my day.
For this one I had "Tightrope" playing - John's favorite song from Greatest Showman. (I think he might like "Thousand Years" from the Twilight movies even more, but I have to draw the line SOMEWHERE. :p)
Also I look startled there because John snuck up behind me when I was trying to take a selfie, ha.
