tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post5580514082229907698..comments2024-03-28T15:36:02.733-04:00Comments on EPBOT: My "Not Mom" InterviewJenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11888187687405622408noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-2073382061195561292012-12-29T18:31:35.891-05:002012-12-29T18:31:35.891-05:00I'm so jealous. I see pictures of your home (m...I'm so jealous. I see pictures of your home (mess free?!?!) and all the awesome stuff you make (breakables???!!!!) and wish that I was able to have stuff like that again. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. And I'm raising them right (read: geeks). But sometimes, it's <b>nice</b> to hang out with grownups *without* kids. Why? Because most people-with-children can't get out of "people-with-children" mode. If I wanted to hang out with kids, I'd stay home with my kids, ya know?<br /><br />And Andi is spot on with her comment " If I don't keep up with the things that make me who I am as a woman independent from who I am as a mom, when the kids move out, I'll find life rather empty and boring."<br /><br />What Casey said - " The hard part is losing your identity and just becoming a "parent" - I swear there is more to my husband and I than that we are parents."<br /><br />True confession, I never wanted kids. It wasn't (isn't!) in my nature to be a nurturing, baby-wearing, breastfeeding type. But once they were here, I couldn't very well send them back. And they're cute, so I guess we'll keep 'em. ;-DNina Suluhhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08616884472638151080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-31800685850688276662012-12-18T13:56:18.520-05:002012-12-18T13:56:18.520-05:00I'm a divorced mom and I enjoyed your blog, Je...I'm a divorced mom and I enjoyed your blog, Jen. I wanted to remark on your comment about losing touch with friends after they have kids - it's weird, but most of my friends now and even when I was married, are singles. I have a few married with kids or divorced with kids friends, but its so hard to schedule get-togethers with them. But once any of my friends got married, it was like that was the beginning of them drifting away.A.J.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-83752495788414545352012-12-17T15:11:23.778-05:002012-12-17T15:11:23.778-05:00Great interview Jen! To mom or not to mom is some...Great interview Jen! To mom or not to mom is something all women seem to experience lots of pressure about. It seems like so many people feel entitled to comment on something that is such a personal issue.<br /><br />I know you have mentioned before that you don't necessarily identify with the label of "feminist" but I think this is a real issue of changing how society views families and women's roles and choices. So as someone who proudly identifies as feminist, I say thank you! for sharing your voice and your story about this. Nectarinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16957078633582883380noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-2790473320967560562012-12-17T04:46:37.702-05:002012-12-17T04:46:37.702-05:00Can I please amend/edit my earlier post, since the...Can I please amend/edit my earlier post, since there's no edit function? I swear to you all, I totally meant to say "...people wanting gender reassignment surgery go through only *slightly* MORE BS that a grown-ass woman choosing to "fix" herself", NOT LESS. It was a slip of the fingers, if you will; I know too many transgendered people not to know better than that about the effort and ordeal it takes to acheive the procedures. I feel like a dork, and I'm checking myself accordingly.<br /><br />Thanks in advance!<br /><br />Storm Storm the Klingonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-82828156326802462612012-12-16T23:59:00.303-05:002012-12-16T23:59:00.303-05:00I am a mom of four, but I think choosing not to ha...I am a mom of four, but I think choosing not to have children is as valid as choosing to have them. I knew from elementary school that I wanted to be a mom, but not everyone feels that way. If it's not impinging on anyone else's life, then it isn't anyone else's business. Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06208122459939892231noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-77662989393814166532012-12-16T15:05:33.601-05:002012-12-16T15:05:33.601-05:00Brenda J. has the best answer to those nosy questi...Brenda J. has the best answer to those nosy questions about personal choices - “I’m happy with my life!” A source of clear answers to invasive questions about topics such as adoption, same-sex relationships, being childfree, etc. is, ironically enough, a parenting book by Elise Mac Adam, See Dick Bite Jane. Claritzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-28872815446848671572012-12-16T12:44:30.947-05:002012-12-16T12:44:30.947-05:00so, how ironic is it that i've read the interv...so, how ironic is it that i've read the interview and most of the comments while breastfeeding my second son, and am writing this while he is asleep on my shoulder? i've always thought that i wanted kids "some day in the distant future, just not now". i had my first son at 28, and he wasn't planned (although i actively decided to risk NOT getting plan B). i never wanted to have an only child because i absolutely hate being one myself, so now we have two kids, and i positively think i'm done now. i'm 31, so when my kids are old enough to leave the house i'll be around 50, and i believe i'm going to have some years left were i can do whatever i want with my hubby before we are too old to enjoy it.<br /><br />we have friends who have kids, and friends who don't. we usually just don't meet them together. the friends with kids are usually afternoon meets where the kids play together while we sit and talk, it's more convenient, because the kids entertain each other and no babysitters are needed. the no-kids friends usually visit us for talk and board games in the evening when the kids are in bed. before we had kids we would have our game nights at a different friend's place each time, now we do all the inviting, but that's the only thing that has really changed.<br /><br />i firmly believe that wether to have kids or not should be each persons own decision. and while i might sometimes ask couples if they do plan on kids in their future when the topic comes up, i'd never judge them about their decision or try to push them in any direction. life without kids is without doubt easier, you can go on holiday off-season, go for dinner or a movie spontaneously, can stay up late and sleep in the next day without little ones jumping on your bed at 6am sharp, etc etc. life with kids is louder, you can jump into ball pools and go down slides on the playground and buy geeky children's toys without people looking at you like you're insane or a creeper, nobody thinks you are lazy for "just" going to the pool or lake every day in summer... each life joice has their advantages and disadvantages, but non is better or more valid than the other.LcPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-3918020712669682172012-12-15T19:04:14.180-05:002012-12-15T19:04:14.180-05:00Thank you Jen for being interviewed on this extrem...Thank you Jen for being interviewed on this extremely important topic! I enjoyed reading everyone's comments on this page and look forward to more. As a 31 year old woman who has been married for 10 years, I have only been asked a few times (by some REALLY nosy people) where the kids were at?! Other than that, I find most people don't care. I have actually always wanted to have one kid of my own and adopt one kid during my lifetime. The latter issue is one that my Mom and husband are not happy with. They feel that if your baby isn't yours genetically, then it is an inferior relationship. This makes me sad - as I always thought adopting is a wonderful act - as it deliberately says - "I went out of my way to choose you, and I really love you." Ironically, my husband's dad is really his stepfather, but he doesn't seem to take that to heart. I TOTALLY respect NotMoms and NotDads, since both my sister and brother fit these descriptors. And you know what, their lives are fruitful and happy! My sister teaches junior high kids and comes home to her own life, while my brother is dating someone who has a daughter from a previous marriage. This used to make my Mom upset, but I think she has gotten used to the idea that not everyone can be neatly pigeon-holed into the traditional married + kids role. Again, thank you Jen for offering people a glimpse into the "alternative lifestyle" that not everyone is comfortable talking about. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18046974853726491407noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-86929029791817960612012-12-15T18:36:09.523-05:002012-12-15T18:36:09.523-05:00Thanks Jen and the Not Mom blogger! When I was you...Thanks Jen and the Not Mom blogger! When I was younger I was asked incessantly when we were going to have kids. I explained over and over again that I am diabetic and we chose not to have any. Even with that I was judged because they "knew lots of diabetics who have had children". pbohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06736968481890755780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-15123725577674184622012-12-15T18:20:45.830-05:002012-12-15T18:20:45.830-05:00Thank you so much for this interview, and the word...Thank you so much for this interview, and the words "Children should be a deliberate choice." I'm 40, single, childless, and wouldn't change a thing about my life. I always thought about kids, but then decided my health issues would be too much of a strain, on me and on any kids. I always told myself that if I managed to get to the other side of my mental issues, I would adopt. I'm still not there yet, so I know I made the right choices. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-57879846779061489202012-12-15T17:11:18.712-05:002012-12-15T17:11:18.712-05:00I loved the interview, I'm 36 and been married...I loved the interview, I'm 36 and been married for 7 1/2 years and we are childless by choice. Recently there has been some talk of trying for one, but if it doesn't happen naturally in the next year, it ain't gonna happen. I'm the oldest of 8 (my youngest brother is 11!) so I've done the babysitting things most of my life, now nieces and nephews have been added to it too. If I get pregnant, great, though I'm terrified cause my anxiety past, but if I don't, I'll be perfectly happy to stay a PANK (professional aunt, no kids) Heather J.https://www.blogger.com/profile/05631328716605212474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-66160330120125689442012-12-15T15:51:56.228-05:002012-12-15T15:51:56.228-05:00It was like I was reading my own interview (if I&#...It was like I was reading my own interview (if I'd participatd in one). While we eventually did change our mind and now have a son, we did it later in life and are now considering the only child scenario. I've been through the "no friends left" roller coaster and it is still hard sometimes being the "new" mom at 37. Even my best friends with kids feel like strangers when they talk about thier multiple and older kids. I love my little guy (he is so awesome at this age) but we honestly would have been happy without him if that was how things turned out.Margueritehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07926489721278132834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-62445307063827225322012-12-15T15:49:32.749-05:002012-12-15T15:49:32.749-05:00Loved the interview. I have two rambunctious litt...Loved the interview. I have two rambunctious little boys that I absolutely adore and I am hoping to one day add another child to my family. But, as I believe with everything, to each his own. Just because I always wanted to be a mother doesn't mean everyone else did. I also always wanted to be a scientist and I certainly don't expect everyone shares the same desire. You should do whatever makes you happy and fulfilled :) <br />Plus, though there are a million mom blogs out there and I do read them, I am my own person first and I love your blog!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-85558584018290647532012-12-15T15:32:46.585-05:002012-12-15T15:32:46.585-05:00Great interview, Jen! I'd love to adopt, but I...Great interview, Jen! I'd love to adopt, but I've never had a desire to actually birth a baby. I realize that greatly damages my marriage potential, and as I approach 30 (I'll be 28 later this month) I struggle to come to peace with what a life childless and partner-less might look like. It's refreshing to read that there are others out there who also face this. Right now I feel a lot of shame for not being able to do what everyone else is doing, so I am cheered by the prospect that with time, some of that shame and stigma might fade.Books_Boundhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16723318921408246471noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-18117305217413687482012-12-15T15:00:19.168-05:002012-12-15T15:00:19.168-05:00Keep the friends who have kids in your rolodex :) ...Keep the friends who have kids in your rolodex :) Those first few years can be hell, but as the kid grows, it can be lonely when you suddenly have time and no friends to spend it with.<br /><br />My kids are four and eleven now, and it's WAY easier for me to go out and do stuff now than it was when the first was a baby. <br /><br />Also, go you for adding a voice to this! I have kids, but many of my child-free friends have had issues talking about their choices because it's assumed that they can't have kids, not that they've decided not to have kids.kcunninghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04641419717110221695noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-48217001998827041352012-12-15T14:03:31.104-05:002012-12-15T14:03:31.104-05:00Thank you everyone for your very positive response...Thank you everyone for your very positive response to The Not Mom. I blog for a living and I was becoming frustrated by the over saturation of Mommy Blogs looking for writers but no opportunities for women without kids. Then I discovered The Not Mom. I'm grateful to be a part of it and to work with Karen who runs a great website. Thanks to Jen for helping me and thanks to all of you for reading! Laura LaVoiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12247424578706769340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-79471267453992806862012-12-15T09:23:43.820-05:002012-12-15T09:23:43.820-05:00Awesome interview! Once we had a kid our lives def...Awesome interview! Once we had a kid our lives definitely became harder since most of our friends are child-free. But what we did is start having game nights or just open nights at our house. They know that if it's after 8pm, they can come over and we can party like adults! But also my child-free friends are incredibly supportive. Most of them will hang out with us during the day when we're out and about with Ari. They've gotten used to the insanity, I suppose. Our group has managed a nice blend of families and situations. That's probably why I love them all so much :D Well, one of the many reasons.<br />Reneehttp://www.thedomesticscientist.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-41884986910810128402012-12-15T09:17:27.967-05:002012-12-15T09:17:27.967-05:00I really appreciate the tone you used in your resp...I really appreciate the tone you used in your responses. Having children is definitely a life choice - and it's one that takes time, commitment and energy - but so is anything that is worth doing. I really believe that pure feminism is being able to choose the lifestyle that you want to live. It's the choice that makes us strong, not the ability to be more like men. Thank you for being a strong woman who made a choice. Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04248022148272460291noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-6280114430368185062012-12-15T07:31:45.323-05:002012-12-15T07:31:45.323-05:00Girl, for real, you and I are SO MUCH alike, it...Girl, for real, you and I are SO MUCH alike, it's seriously starting to freak me out, so knock it off or move to San Diego. ;)<br /><br />Between my physical and mental health problems (and my mentallly ill mother who barely taught me how to be a person, much less a parent), I recognized long ago that I never wanted to have children. You know what the worst bit is about being childless by choice? Just TRY to get your tubes tied, especially if you've never had a child and you're under 35-ish; I swear, people wanting gender reassignment surgery go through only *slightly* less BS that a grown-ass woman choosing to "fix" herself. Seriously, I understand the need to make sure the patient is 100% dead set on her decision, but damn, it's a LOT harder than it is for a man to get a vasectomy, I tell you. But then, I'm 44 now, and starting to start The Change, so I haven't bothered to look into it in many years, so I may be talkin' out my neck; YMMV.<br /><br />After 14 years together, I recently asked my Vulcan to truthfully tell me (seriously, he can NOT lie, it's weird) if my choice has disappointed him in any way; did he see himself as being a father someday? Did I ruin it for him? He thought for a moment and said "Honestly? I never thought I'd be a HUSBAND, much less a father. You and the Girls (our Pug and cat) are quite a handful enough, thank you." Ah, bliss... the Vulcan to my Klingon, the Brain to my Pinky, the Silent Bob to my Jay. :D<br /><br />Cheers, thanks a lot<br /><br />StormStorm the Klingonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-73937864907802619532012-12-15T06:25:35.561-05:002012-12-15T06:25:35.561-05:00I'm so glad you did this interview. I'm an...I'm so glad you did this interview. I'm another who has always known she would be kid free. <br />Of course, I always hear the standard arguments and I long for the day I'm 50 and still child free. It will be a delightful "told ya."<br /><br />I couldn't agree more that children should be a deliberate choice. And seeing other women go through it reaffirms my position.<br /><br />I have great respect for women who become mothers. It's not an easy task. <br /><br />Stay strong fellow NotMoms, and rock on Moms! Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15334271211867017682noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-67309505061352821622012-12-15T06:03:34.839-05:002012-12-15T06:03:34.839-05:00You probably need these.
wooden gears
Also, love...You probably need these.<br /><br /><a href="www.etsy.com/listing/76288633/wood-grain-gears" rel="nofollow">wooden gears</a><br /><br />Also, loved your interview. As a fellow child-free girl in her 30s, I agree, people do seem to back off a bit when one hits that magic number. :)Susanleenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-39344096627335804382012-12-15T01:56:23.675-05:002012-12-15T01:56:23.675-05:00But Jeeeeennnn - if you have kids you'll slow ...But Jeeeeennnn - if you have kids you'll slow your crafting down so I can catch up...or you'll do another awesome nursery and I'll look like a lackey still....<br /><br />All kidding aside - having kids is awesome - so is not having kids. The hard part is losing your identity and just becoming a "parent" - I swear there is more to my husband and I than that we are parents.Caseynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-73637719103673861612012-12-15T01:43:00.205-05:002012-12-15T01:43:00.205-05:00Jen, I've been reading Epbot since the first p...Jen, I've been reading Epbot since the first post. And I think you are pretty fantastic. I had never thought about you as being "childless", even though I knew you didn't have kids. Maybe because you have cats. ;) So, here's my story. In my mind it is a calm, story-telling voice, not anything accusatory, angry, mad, etc. I was raised in a very religious household, in a religion that sometimes seems to value people based on the number of kids they have. The more the better. So, I thought I would have three or four kids, coming from a family of four kids. My husband is one of five kids, so at first, I really saw us as having those three to four kids. We had our daughter, and she was so fantastic, I knew I wanted another child. Each was a deliberate choice, in fact, I decided to get pregnant sooner than we had planned with the second one. After our son was born, my husband told me he was done having kids. It was so soon after having him, that I was shocked to hear him say, "no more kids". So, I had a decision to make. After lots of thought and prayer (see, I told you I was raised religious), I decided he was right. And I had a hysterectomy. One of the best decisions of my life. However, at church, which is a very small group (geographically, as well as socially, since we all live in the same neighborhood), I constantly feel judged for only having two kids, while some friends my age (32) have five. But, I know my limits, and know that more kids would push me over the edge mentally, emotionally, and probably physically. I envy you and your "Not Mom" status. I wish my husband and I could be one those couples that could accept spontaneous dinner plans. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but life would be so much simpler without them. Anyway, this is very long, and it's very late, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are an amazing woman, and that living your life, being true to yourself, is the best gift of all. Live long and prosper, my friend.Leslie@leserleeslovesandhobbieshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05829256000923507369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-58642823558862734082012-12-15T01:08:23.733-05:002012-12-15T01:08:23.733-05:00I appreciate the way this interview approached the...I appreciate the way this interview approached the kidless. We aren't (all) fire-breathing, bra-burning, baby-hating rage machines. Or conversely, bambi-eyed neophytes who just haven't figured out how badly we secretly want kids yet. (But someday...!!! Ugh.)<br />I'm 31 and happily child-free. I don't hate kids or the people who have them. But, my uterus has a voluntary flashing "no vacancy" sign for the duration. <br />Thank you for sharing the link, and for being such a positive voice in all the ways you are.<br />-AlisonThread-Headhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15993301657471657837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1724594058209899258.post-38372752626943054372012-12-14T23:30:10.330-05:002012-12-14T23:30:10.330-05:00I love your responses for that interview and I lov...I love your responses for that interview and I love you. I've made the choice not to have children, and I keep being told that I'm still young (actually, I'm 28), and that I'll change my mind when I find the right guy (which is even more patronizing than the young thing, in my opinion). People also don't seem to understand that not wanting kids does NOT equal hating children. I like children, I just don't want my own. <br /><br />Anyway, it's nice to hear from people who understand <3Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com