Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Intimidation Crab & Other Survival Strategies

Content Warning: panic attacks

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I know a lot of you left Facebook to ditch the drama - which I get, believe me - but posts like this from Daya over in FoE are often my little lifelines of sanity:

:D

The comments, of course, did not disappoint:


... and some days you just need this kind of silliness to combat, you know... ::gestures weakly at everything::

I don't have any news yet from my mammogram the other week, and as with most scary things, the waiting is the hardest part. Or at least, I hope the waiting is the hardest.

 I did the unhealthy thing, though: I tried to bottle up my anxiety, pretend everything was fine. Then the more I pretended, the more scared I got. Within a few days I was stuck in a panic loop, unable to think about anything but my own looming death, pain, and regrets. It was irrational, but also as real as my constantly sweating palms.

Anything mentionable is manageable. I love that lesson from Mr. Rogers and try to live by it, but I forgot it this time, beloved. Instead of mentioning it, instead of dragging my nasty little fear gremlin into the light, I hid it from John and my friends. I built walls around it. I guarded it. And so it grew.

It was only a few days before I fell apart. Blind panic, full body shakes, and finally, mercifully, a loud and messy confessional sobbed into John's shoulder. It was the scariest 24 hours I've had in years; I still feel the dread rippling forward from it now.

And yet, within an hour of pouring out my secret, I felt so much better. Talking about how scared I was made the fear gremlin shrink. Suddenly I remembered how treatable all these things we're testing for are, how it's good to check things early, and how unlikely it is that we'll find something doomsday-level in the first place. After so much certain despair, I felt a shaky ray of hope.

The next day, all heck broke loose again online.

As the internet exploded in a fresh wave of conflict, I had to go into survival mode. I know some of you are up for the fight, and others are like me: already panicked and broken even before this latest tipping point. So I thought I'd share 5 things I've been doing this week for my mental health. Maybe something here will help some of you who are barely hanging on, too.


1) Take your meds & see your doctors

I started taking my prescription anti-anxiety meds and supplements regularly instead of "as needed."  I also ordered more things that have helped in the past, and I think I'll be scheduling regular therapy sessions again, since it's clearly been too long.

I was raised with a crippling stigma against mental health care, so this is hard for me, but I will shout it from the rooftops: brain medicine is just medicine, y'all. We don't think less of someone for going to physical therapy or taking insulin, so why should we feel ashamed of going to psychological therapy or taking brain medicine? Answer: we shouldn't. It's all medical care.


2) Take a break from social media

 I stayed off my phone for a day or two, and when I did venture back I limited my time on social media, and used my remaining willpower to scroll past posts from family or friends that made me angry. Remember, no one has ever changed their mind because someone yelled at them on the internet. So for the sake of your mental health, just keep scrolling. When and if you want to take a political stand, call your representatives.


3) Schedule lots of in-person friend time

This feels counter-intuitive, I know. I want to hide when I'm anxious, not be around people! - but friends ground me. They get me out of my head, distract me from my fears, and fill me up with hugs and laughter. I'm a hardcore introvert, but I promise you, even us introverts are wired for connection. Sometimes it just takes us longer to realize it.

Plus, as I've said before, people in the abstract often make me lose faith in humanity, but people in reality bring me hope. So John and I were with friends all weekend: crafting with Dennis & Bonnie on Friday, thrifting with Karen on Saturday, and working on Ken & Sue's office all day Sunday. Last night I visited with Julianne for a few hours. Not all of them knew what I was going through, but they didn't have to. Just being with safe, comfortable people was enough.

John and I have two more friend outings this week, and I'm leaning on the power of proper meds, therapy, and sheer gritted faith to get me through the trip to Disney especially. I know this is good for me, so I'm doing all I can to feel strong again.


4) Treat yourself with extra rest, comfort shows, and happy hobbies

Mental health care is health care, so if you're feeling crappy it's time for a sick day. Or a sick week. Camp out on the couch with your favorite blanket, treats, and fur babies. Watch comfort shows, read a good book, and overall just be gentle with yourself.

When we're panicking it feels like it'll be this way forever, but I promise it won't. You'll get out. You'll feel joy again, you'll be brave again, you'll lift people up and tell the story of this Dark Time and how friends and love and internet silliness pulled you through.


Gakman Creatures coming through again with the cute! I'm getting Eva & double Suki vibes.


5) Get Moving

I'm not a super active person, but every little bit helps. I do yoga several times a week, I walk on my treadmill desk while I work most mornings, and I do volunteer work painting or organizing a couple times a month. The yoga is the most physically relaxing, of course, but the volunteer work is the most fulfilling for my anxiety. So when I say to get moving, I don't necessarily mean exercise: I mean do something. Something physical, something tangible. Make your bed, paint a picture, call your representatives. Give your brain a shot of dopamine by getting something accomplished, no matter how small.

I'm not fully myself again yet, but doing these things has helped me survive my spiking panic and the added stresses online. Nights are still the scariest, so I'm grateful for a hubby who stays up with me 'til dawn, watching re-runs of 30 Rock and working on a jigsaw puzzle by my side, just so I don't have to face my broken brain alone.

In fact, because I'm still not well, and because I don't want to be a hypocrite after telling you to take care of yourself, I've decided to take the next few weeks off. I haven't taken a break here since... oh wow, 2013?!... so I think it's high time for some down time. I plan to keep doing all these things on my list while I recuperate, get some more check-ups, take a lot of naps, and I can't wait to come back when I'm refreshed and feeling more like myself.

Thank you if you've messaged or commented or sent healing words or thoughts my way; I have felt incredibly loved, and wish I could hug y'all SO HARD. Instead you'll just have to be extra good to yourself for me, k?

I love you. We're going to get through this. Pass it on.


35 comments:

  1. This may or may not help, but it's been my experience that if there is bad news, the Dr. will get in touch with you quickly. If all is normal, they send a note via snail mail. So, perhaps no news if good news.
    Also, I'm jealous that your mammogram was painless. I'm 65 and all mine have been squishy and painful... and always a slow note of all is well from the Dr. office. : o )

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    1. ITA with this. They literally called me about 2 hours later with the "bad news"...it was just a fibroid, so it wasn't that bad. However, now my patient network has an online patient portal and I can get all my tests & lab reports as soon as they're done...which is much faster than the doctor can get back to me cuz they're seeing other patients. As soon as the results are in, I get an email to check the portal. But I agree with Miki, bad news comes fast. Good news takes a while.

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    2. My experience with "bad news" from a mammogram was that I didn't even get out of the building. I was shuttled directly from the exam room to a waiting room to a consultation room in which I met with a coordinator who scheduled my follow ups and went over next steps.

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    3. Same here... Straight from the mammo to the ultrasound to the Doctor. And it also wasn't "bad bad" news.

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  2. I'll miss you. Thank you for letting us know what you're going through and that you are taking a break. I'll be here when you get back. Have fun storming the castle!

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  3. Have a wonderful and well-deserved break -- maybe with some intimidation crab cakes! Thank you for keeping Epbot politics-free. What a refreshing oasis on the internet!

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  4. Enjoy your break! We'll be here waiting for you when you get back, but we know this is WORK for you and everyone needs to take vacations.

    Last year my ophthalmologist told me I might have a brain tumor and put me through the whole MRI and WAITING bit, when all I had was a cyst in my eye. (I have since gotten a different ophthalmologist). My way of dealing with panic is to try to control something, so I scheduled a meeting with HR to discuss FMLA, insurance, etc. - just in case. She told me how much she admired me for that and I had to confess that that's how I manage total panic.

    So do what you have to do to manage this - it won't be the last time you're chewing off your fingernails waiting to hear back.

    And tell us some good vacation stories when you get back.

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  5. Big squishy hugs. Another suggestion I have for your social media accounts - use that mute button! Sometimes the people who you agree with are worse for your mental health than those who oppose you. You know, the ones who are constantly posting EVERY SINGLE PERSON saying awful stuff on the internet, and who spend a lot of time telling everyone how awful everything is. This is not helpful since our circle of friends on social media already know how awful things are and just get completely overwhelmed and incapacitated by more and more piling on. It is counterproductive!
    Most platforms give you the option to not follow or mute folks for a time period - you stop seeing their stuff but don't unfriend.
    Look for and prioritize folks who are talking about positive steps you can take - either to change what is going on or to keep your sanity. There is ALWAYS something positive that can be done, I promise.
    Thank you and John so much for choosing to be Helpers, and for being part of Mr Roger's great conspiracy of kindness and compassion.

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  6. Just sending lots of love and squooshy virtual hugs your way Jen! I appreciate you. Oh, and the intimidation crab made me laugh out loud. At work. Yep, my secretary is going to commit me. Then I will definitely get some help! (That was not a jab at mental health care - I'm actually an attorney who does the mental health commitments in my county.) Anyway, sending love and love and more love!

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  7. With all the crafting, cons, Disney blogging, etc- activities labeled "FUN THINGS"- I'm guessing you might low key feel like your job is too fun to get to call it work, and don't take time off enough for yourself. Don't feel guilty for taking a real vacation! Take all the naps! You aren't obligated to show off every moment of your life. We love you and want you at your best (rested, happy) self.

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  8. Take whatever time you need - we'll be here waiting patiently. Get it. Patiently? Too soon? Sorry.

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  9. I'm right there with you this last month my mental health has been showing no signs of letting up, and the news has been murdering me. So take time to rest up and heal up. I've done that today since my Mental Health Hydra as I like to call her has been screaming. God bless, and I hope all is well.

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    1. Oh my gosh, "Mental Health Hydra" is such an apt description!

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  10. Have a restful break, catch you on the flippity flop.

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  11. The "spend time with friends"-advice (found on almost all "mental care" lists, not just this one) always Makes me feel horrible. It supposes that you HAVE friends in the first place. And somehow it just always gets me, always makes me feel freakish and left out.
    It's not that it shouldn't be on the list, it's really great advice. I'm just at a complete loss at figuring out how to accomplish that. Am I the only one who has no friends and have no idea where to find them?

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    1. I know. Making friends as an adult is super weird and hard. If the in-person standards (work, church, school) yield no results, there are the online ones. Lately i have been checking some of my bigger crafting, thrifting and other interest specific groups to see if there are local members that might want to try a meet-up. Friends of Epbot and the Epbot Discord group are full of folks from all over. You aren't a freak. Good luck.

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    2. Just echoing what Nicki said - you are NOT a freak. I wish I could come and be your friend. She's also right about it being weird and harder to make friends as an adult. You're not thrown into ready-made situations like school. I suppose there's work, but what if you don't hold the same values as people you work with? And adults don't make play dates or have slumber parties (with friends, not the hanky-panky kind). Hang in there. I'm sending you good vibes!

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  12. Enjoy your break, you deserve it.
    Let me echo the others that pointed out that bad medical news always comes faster than good. Always.
    Finally, as a tip for everyone; on FB you can unfollow people without unfriending them. You are still friends and you can go check their wall anytime, but their crazy doesn't show up in your feed so you don't even have to scroll past it.

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  13. Enjoy your well-deserved break. Do all the fun things. Don't forget to breathe. :) Also in agreement with the comments above about no new is good news. They would reach out quickly if they had any concerns.

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  14. First: I agree with the 'bad news travels faster' comments. I got told while still in the mammogram office.
    Second: I'm a five-year survivor. When caught early, prospects are generally good. My mom, who got breast cancer at 63, lived to be 95.
    Third: A mastectomy doesn't take anything essential, like some other cancers, and, with a good prosthetic, isn't noticeable by others.
    Though I could wish otherwise, there are a lot of us out here. Should your news be bad, reach out, we'll help.

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  15. I hear you. I'm having some weird gastric symptoms, and while there's probably a very simple cause, my brain likes to spiral out the "what if it's cancer, what if it's untreatable, do I need to update my will" stuff, usually while I'm trying to get some darned sleep to try to feel better! Big hugs to you, and thank you for helping the rest of us keep going!

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  16. Good job getting the mammogram, the first is always the hardest due to the unknown factor. I am not trying to be blase about your anxiety, but your boob pain could well be your first symptom of peri-menopause.

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  17. Forgot to say that I love the pics you included. I hadn't seen the mammo-grahams before, and my bestie used to work in a women's health office!

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  18. We're going to miss you while you're recuperating, but everyone understands needing a break! Take care, & we'll see you soon {{HUGS}}

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  19. GBH = great big hugs.
    I am in much the same headspace and took today off and spent it enjoying the energy of grandbots.
    Keep taking care of you and John.

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  20. I’m a nurse, in Canada. I’m not sure how it’s done in the US, but here all radiology exams are done with a radiologist in the building who scans your films before you are even permitted to dress. If there is something negative on your exam, they will come to talk to you right away. If all is good, they will send you home with a “your doctor will get in touch with your results” comment which essentially translates to “all is good, no worries here”. Then the radiologist dictates their report which goes to the transcription team, back to the radiologist for final approval and signature then is sent to your doctor who’s staff will likely call you to come in for an appointment so he can charge your insurance to give you your results. This all takes time, more so in the summer with half the staff taking holidays. Also, due to Covid, our hospitals and clinics are operating at about 65% volume due to staff fatigue and illness causing time delaying shortages. In Alberta you can sign into MyAlberta.ca to view your results within 3 days of your exam/labs etc. you may have a similiar program there. Many doctors also have programs that you can access as well. So, all I. All, no news is good news!

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  21. I don't comment much, but I have to share this with a hat tip to Ina Garten.

    If you can't make your own brain chemicals, storebought is fine.

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  22. I had to go back this year for a second mammogram after my first and I found out very quickly that the results were inconclusive. I actually got to go use one of the 3D machines and it was so much better!
    My obgyn called me personally to tell me everything was okay after that one because she knew I wouldn't get the letter for a week or more. My husband always worries after I get a mammogram, but in my experience if they need more testing they tell you right away.

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  23. All the best to you Jen! You have spread so much sunshine over the internet for so many years, never be afraid to take a break and let others send sunshine your way instead! We'll all be here waiting with open arms whenever you feel up for returning.

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  24. Hi Jen! Not that you can erase worry, but have you looked up the false positive rate for mammos? That's what helped me get through it when they contacted me to say I needed to come back and their first appointment was a month away. A whole month to worry in! But the false positive rate is way high, so the chance that it was serious was much smaller than I had imagined. Sure enough, a second look with a 3D scanner showed no problems at all. May it be so for you!

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  25. FYI Figment oven mitt for sale on the Disney site.😊

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  26. Feel better, Jen! Enjoy the rest and we'll all still be here to give you virtual hugs and high fives when you come back. <3

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  27. I hope you are well. I miss you. We miss you.

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  28. You have a bunch of people thinking of you and holding you in the light.

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  29. I feel you and I get what you're going through. A few years ago I had my first mammogram/ultrasound due to discomfort and feeling something dense-ish. I ended up having a biopsy, which didn't find anything to worry about. Waiting for the results was torturous, and I hope you will find relief very soon

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