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OW.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Have you ever had an injury so mildly horrific in an extremely sensitive bodily region that you just had to tell the whole internet about it?

No?

Whatever. I'm telling you my nipple story anyway.


See, I was hugging my cat Lily goodnight last night, per usual (DON'T JUDGE), when John accidentally startled his cat, Tonks, who in turn startled Lily, who then attempted to kick off of my chest, and in the process hooked a back claw into the aforementioned extremely sensitive bodily region.

A couple of thing go through your mind when a cat's claw is hooked in your nipple. Things like, "gosh, I wish I hadn't taken my bra off already," and, "wow, I should really trim Lily's back nails." But mostly it's just "AAAAUUGGHHH!!"

Next came inspecting the damage.

Now, you might recall that John tends to faint at the sight of other people's blood, so because he was standing nearby, and also because I am a thoughtful, self-sacrificing kind of wife, I thoughtfully and self-sacrificially popped my boob out of my shirt and screamed, "OH MY GOSH IT'S BLEEDING RIGHT FROM THE TIP! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS!! AAAAUUUGGHHH!!"

After leaving John to his breathing exercises, I next discovered that it's surprisingly difficult to stick a band aid to an injured nipple. Without getting too graphic, let's just say the architecture of an ever-changing landscape poses unique challenges to the bandage-adhering process. Picture a really floppy teeter-totter. Or, on second thought, don't. You're better off that way.

Still, even the most painful situation can have a silver lining. In this case, I think I've finally figured out the purpose of all that impractical boob armor out there:


These chicks totally have cats.

Posted by Jen at 11:30 AM Labels: ,

139 comments:

  1. Um... def. haf a little snort laugh just now... reminds me of the time our cat kicked off of my husband's *ahem* sensitive bits... snort laughed then, also. Hope things are well with your situation soon.

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  2. Wow, I thought I was the only one! I have a scar starting at the collar bone, down my breast, and across my nipple.
    I don't even know what scared the cat.
    I learned to not pick up cats when you're wrapped in a towel though!

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  3. Those back claws are awful! I have a rather nasty boob scar from a time when I was carrying my cat, Dr. Jones, and tripped over something in my path.

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  4. I hope John at least kissed it better for you ;)

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  5. Oh, ow. It hurts from laughing. Not quite the same, I know. I've been grateful for my bra several times over the years of living with cats, although I did have a similar incident once. Gotta love our little sharp roommates.

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  6. Ahahahahaha! Thank you for the laugh. I hope you heal quickly.

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  7. This is why I love you.
    and don't runners use bandaids? or are there special things for that..pasties?

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  8. I have to thank you for making my morning. Sorry about your, err, injured appendage, but I needed a good laugh. Just as long as it doesn't catch on as a new meme for felines.

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  9. Oh, Jen.
    So wrong, yet so hilarious.
    I hope your sensitive bodily region heals quickly.

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  10. Oh poor Jen! I have to adapt my bras and because they stretch while they're on and my chest is indeed an ever-changing landscape I have to pin the changes in place while I'm wearing the bra. I stuck a pin in my nipple the other night. Not through anything, but it doesn't have to be to be OW! How many nerve endings are in those things, seriously? It makes a change from the usual tiny-yet-agonising injury that I usually get while tailoring though, which is the stabbing of the cuticle.

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  11. Ha! You are not alone... I once burned my extremely sensitive bodily region. How does one do that? Well let me tell you. I was making a casserole for Easter dinner or other similar family gathering. It finished cooking while I was still making myself beautiful. I was not yet fully clothed. I bent down to remove the casserole from the oven. However, I was not used to the extra droopage and my extremely sensitive bodily region touched the extremely hot casserole dish. That hurt, let me tell you!

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    Replies
    1. I did that once too....it was a summer night and I was cooking something on the stove (with the blinds down) in just my skivvies, and hubby wasn't home yet. Some grease spattered on my chest and ribs. OWWWWWWWW! I don't cook in my undies anymore. (Husband philosophical: "What did you think would happen?")

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    2. I took a cake out of the oven once right before I showered. After I burnt myself on a sensitive area (had a scar for years) I dropped the cake!

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    3. me 3, though it was a cookie sheet and a pizza lol.

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    4. I used to manage movie theaters. During the wind up to "Independence Day" I was making batches and batches of popcorn, and was in a hurry, so I stopped closing the popper doors.

      Well, sometimes when you're making popcorn, an "old maid" kernal will leap out of the kettle. Yeah. This one leapt out of the kettle and into my cleavage, and my subsequent gyrations pushed it further and further down into my bra.

      Let me tell you. All thoughts of professionalism or modesty go out the window when you have a flaming ball of popcorn stuck to your... My poor employees got an eyeful AND an earful.

      I still have the scar, and I suspect they do too.

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  12. Not to laugh at your pain, but that just made my day.

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  13. Just remember, cheap boob armor turns them green.

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  14. I'm sorry because that must be very painful.
    I'm also sorry because I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

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  15. OW!!! I have a nipple story but it is so horrific I can't share. It has to do with nursing my daughter and skin tags. You figure it out. :)

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    1. Oh boy can I relate! When my son was nursing and started teething it was QUITE painful when he treated me like a chew toy. Needless to say, the nursing ended soon after. I drew the line for nursing at teeth- I don't know how anyone can nurse their kid until 3 or 4 years old. Masochists I tell you!

      LOL!

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  16. OMG, sitting at my desk laughing so hard i snored! totally can relate, though never had to go as far as needing a bandaid! happy healing. :)

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  17. Ah, the joys of holding a cat when it gets startled. Been there, done that. Though I don't have boobs so that helps a bit.

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    Replies
    1. But you still have nipples, so the potential for similar damage is still there ;-)

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  18. Yup. Been there. I end up with about 4 band-aids all jenga'ed together to try to stop the blood. Funs with Kittehs!

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  19. OUCH! Can't say I've ever gotten a nipple scratch but one time I was sitting on the couch innocently watching t.v. and one of our cats was on the couch behind my head and something must have freaked her out because I heard a yowl and felt her jump and the next thing I feel was blood dripping down the bridge of my nose. It happened so fast I didn't even realize she had scratched me until it started stinging and I looked in the mirror and noticed the claw holes. Not to mention the countless times I've awoken in the middle of the night to cats running over my bare legs and scratching me. Heal swiftly, and watch for chaffing!

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  20. Having done something similar with my own fingernail (I keep them trimmed nowadays!) I found that 6 bandaids in a basketweave pattern is somewhat more effective ;)

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  21. Is it ok to almost pee laughing at your pain! lol

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    Replies
    1. Ouch....in pain for you. I've never had a cat, but a dog jumping onto the bed for cuddles can do pretty good damage by stepping on one such appendage....difficult to explain the bruising when one goes for the annual mammogram!

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    2. I was going to say almost exactly that!

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  22. Sorry about your injury, but thanks for the laugh!

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  23. Oh my word! I am trying really hard to to laugh out loud, which would cause my son to ask me what is so funny! I would rather not explain it! This reminds me of something that happened to my sister back in high school. She was not being very careful about her posture as she snapped shut her 3-ring binder. Ouch!

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  24. Having a nipple piercing myself, I know the kind of pain you're experiencing. But I would suggest using a large gauze pad and not a band-aid. It's easier to cover changing landscapes, and feels much better than tape on an already sensitive area. Just be sure to use plenty of antibiotic ointment. Cat scratches can be nasty if not washes and cleaned thoroughly. Hang in there...

    Steve

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  25. First of all, ouch. Been there with the cat scratches in ouchful places. Secondly, any blog post that includes a picture of Xena, not only in armor but in BIKINI armor, is an epic win in my book. Yowza. Thanks for improving my crummy morning with a funny story & a smashing picture.

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  26. That has happened to me as well. I have two cats. One did about the same as yours. The other (when he was a kitten) came over after I got out of the shower and just bit. Good thing they are so cute.

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  27. I have a friend who got stung by a scorpion on exactly the body part to which you received your injury. She shared it with the Internet too, so I think you are perfectly proper in sharing your experience. I hope you'll be on the mend soon!

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  28. I think this is one of those instances where liquid bandaid would help (the liquid or spray stuff, it's essentially sterile superglue) :)

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  29. My cat did this to me just before a doctor's appointment. So much fun explaining THAT injury to the clearly amused doctor...

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  30. Oh Jen....just....ow. I can only imagine the pain. If you're still bleeding a bit, perhaps gauze and medical tape might be a biy more friendly for that area?

    My weird injury doesn't involve cats, but kneeing myself in the eye. Yeeeeaaah.

    Thanks for being so honest with us!

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    Replies
    1. O_o how did you do that???

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    2. lol! Sara, I have done too!

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  31. I learned this while bathing our dog. The older dog is just fine coming in the shower with me - I pick him up, flip him over under the water, shampoo him, then toss him out of the tub while I finish up cleaning myself. Our younger dog is having none of that, though. It's really hard to explain the bright red claw marks across your stomach.

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  32. Ow ow ow. If it's any consolation, we see A LOT of men in the Emergency department who thought they could go commando in their jeans, until they zip up the side of their bits. (Hopefully John won't faint at the thought of that one)

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  33. Here is the link to her story! http://enlightenedhomemaker.blogspot.com/2011/04/irritated.html

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  34. i'm sorry to laugh at your pain but that was funny. thanks for the laugh. and where bandaids won't work super glue will ;)

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  35. My embarrassing personal injury story is also sort of horrifying. I was doing some trimming of the lady landscape with my very sharp hair cutting scissors. I guess I wasn't paying attention (why the hell not?!) and sliced RIGHT INTO the skin. It bled like a stuck pig and I still have a weird red scar, right on the front. :P

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    1. I know a friend who was doing the SAME THING but accidentally CUT OFF said-bits and had to rush to the ER for some quick stitches. OMGosh, it makes me quiver to think of it! :)

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  36. I think maybe my stupid phone ate my comment. If not, sorry for the re-post!

    I read this out loud to my husband - it just made my day. I won't even pretend I'm sad you got injured, it's just too funny

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  37. OMG I think I peed myself from laughing.

    But, I can totally relate. My cat got scared whilst I was holding him and proceeded to launch himself off my boob. Leaving three very deep, profusely bleeding scratches in his wake. The pain was immense. Band aids as you said were pretty impossible. I just ended up taping a big piece of gauze to my chest and confuse my hubby lol. (Helps to be a nurse and have wads of nursing stuff lying around hee). I still have the scars!

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  38. The same thing happened to my hubby except he was sitting in a chair, the cat was in his lap and it was not a boob injury. Also, he was alone and faints at the sight of his own blood.

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  39. Oh mylanta, Jen. Boob armor is a must - did you not know that?! (Side note - hope your nipple recovers quickly)

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  40. It is not the act of your poor womanly bit getting shanked that made me laugh, it was the image of you popping your breast out at your husband and then the hilarious description of your attempts at putting a band-aid over the damage that has me rolling right now. I hope you heal soon, my ladies ache at the mere thought. I think I'll go trim my cats claws right now, just for good measure. In full chain mail of course.

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  41. Ow ow ow! I'm cringing in sympathy. While I've been clawed in many places, luckily none of them have been in my extremely sensitive bodily region. However, I do have a nursing, teething baby...

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  42. I had a similar thing happen once- was shaving my armpits and nicked the tip of my nipple as I was bringing the razor down. Blood EVERYWHERE. I was in college in the time and had no bandaids- I had to go to the health center to get something that would actually stop the bleeding. Of course, they wouldn't just give me the bandaid- I had to show them PROOF so they knew I didn't have to have stitches. I have never been so mortified in my life.

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    1. I've done the same thing, and man did it bleed!

      Oh man, can you imagine having to have stitches there!!

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  43. As a former La Leche League leader I've heard all sorts of injuries to that area. I'm sure you know that you should clean the area well and put some antibiotic on it. Next if you're not allergic to it check out some Lansinoh Lanolin (or a generic if they have it) you'll find this in the breastfeeding section of stores that sell baby stuff. They find that breast wounds heal faster if they're kept "wet" instead of drying them out as scabs in that location are painful.

    Best of luck and I hope you get your bikini armor soon. ;)

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  44. My cat once did this to me while we were at the vet. Right through my bra. And I didn't figure the staff wanted me to whip my boob out there, so I had to just keep bleeding until we got home. That was fun.

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  45. I like that you're comfortable enough with us to share these awkward injury stories.
    I'm sorry that I find this hilarious. I hope you heal quickly.

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  46. I feel your pain, Jen. I once (very, VERY stupidly) decided that I would get my nipples pierced. Because I'm an idiot. That was, by far, the most painful experience of my life. So, I empathize with your pain, and I wish you a speedy recovery. Because that sh*t hurts.

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  47. Oh, Jen. I'm sorry. And I'm laughing. but I'm sorry. I'm thankful to have never gotten one right across the nipple, but I have a cat who for some reason bites me when I'm in bed and he isn't getting attention. right on the boob. I think he just likes to see me having to unpeel myself from the ceiling.

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  48. Jen, let John know it could be worse. I remember one time our cat managed to make his way through our not-quite-latched bedroom door during a rather intimate moment. The kitty saw some little dangly bits jiggling and thought they looked like a fun kitty toy. After I got hubby and kitty both calmed down (both had their nails/claws embedded in the ceiling, I think) we found a way to make sure the bedroom door stayed latched during such times.

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    1. Oh my God...this made me cry with laughter! My husband would get sooo mad at his cat for this. Not just for the pain, but for ruining the moment. ;)

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    2. Yup, same here. Have the nipple scar too, and one that hurt more - front claw hooked inside the nose. Now I have to explain that nobody ripped out my non-existant nose-piercing, but my cat lost balance while jumping off my head. I was lucky I wear glasses.
      But thanks, your essay had me giggling ;)

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  49. Might as well share my nipple story. I was leaning over the deck railing to toss something down to the ground. I had no bra on. I got my nipple caught between me and the deck railing. The full weight of my body on that tiny little part. I don't remember such a sharp extreme pain in my life!!!! I thought for sure it was going to turn black and fall off. It never changed colors but SOB did that hurt for a few days. Lesson learned, always wear a bra on the deck!

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  50. .... See, this is just convincing me MORE that owning a cat is a bad idea. (-just had first feline caretaker experience with a stray-)

    I don't think my dog's ever scored a hit on the 'naughty bits', but she did use my throat as a launch pad once. (And no, she is not a purse rat. She's a 40+lb mutt with some serious strength.) She was lying on her side while I rubbed her stomach, her foot basically in my face, and then decided to have a hissy fit and storm off. Except she shoved her back paw directly into the curve of my throat when she jumped up. -_-

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  51. I had a cat nail hooked into my inner arm once when we were trying to wrangle my 21 lb. big boy into the bath. (He had a skin condition that had to be bathed with medicated shampoo.) I've also had severe nipple injury when I was nursing my oldest son. Those two on their own were bad, so I can't imagine them combined. For any (but I hope you don't ever need it) future nipple related injuries gauze and medical tape work as well as anything could.

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  52. Haven't you always wanted a nipple ring? She's just helping you out! ;-)

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  53. My nips are hurting in sympathy for you, Jen. YOWCH! Bikini Mail: Not just for eye candy anymore.

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  54. I actually have a permanently swollen gland smack between my boobs from cat scratches because my former kitten, who is grown but still nurses on my nightgown at night, kneads my boobs with her claws ALL the time. I try and keep them cut, but you know how that goes. The things we do for our "furbabies"!!!!

    Where can I order me some of that armor?!

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  55. oh be still my jiggling belly at all the laughing I'm doing at your post and then the following comments! Makes you wonder how people can pierce their nipples, eh? NOT ME!! Sorry about your injury-- heal quickly!

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  56. Injuries like this are EXACTLY why they make those little round bandaids. But here's what I suggest: use a big gauze pad and tape it over the injury. Then stand in front of the mirror while topless...by my reckoning from the shoulders down, you should see a pirate! Eh? EH????

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    1. Thank you so much! I needed that laugh! (P.S. This would only work if the gauze was black!) :D

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  57. I have scars on my left breast from a similar cat-holding incident in my youth, though thankfully the cat in question missed my nipple. OUCH!

    Gauze and paper tape for the win, seriously. Band-aids are not nipple-friendly! Hope you recover quickly (or at least get your bikini armor in place).

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  58. Bahahaha! Thank you for sharing this story. I, too, have terrible boob scars from my kitties. My most horrific came from trying to move my already spooked cat out of the room I was in, trying to clean the carpets. He was not thrilled and pushed off my chest. I had three long gashes across my boob for YEARS. It was lovely.

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  59. Nyargh! Once I was letting my parrot wander about out of his cage at breakfast time. He bit me on the boob through my nightie, I shrieked, waved my arms in the air, forgetting I was holding a fresh cup of tea. So add scalding burns to the equation. My rotten family just laughed...

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  60. I can't even brain after reading this. I'm so amused by your descriptions of events and by the comments where others share. The most awkward cat/nipple thing I have is breast feeding my fist son when the cat came and licked up the leaking from the other side that I had not yet nursed from.

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  61. just as bad as getting static shock by a metal pole.

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  62. I had a nipple injury once like one of the commenters above. I was shaving my armpits and then brought down my razor to put it away. My lovely non-safety razor cut my nipple. So much pain and blood! lol it healed after some Neosporin and bandages.

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  63. Bwahahahahahaha! I'm not laughing at your pain, just the mental image of Jon turning green whilst you bleed. You guys are awesome and I hope you heal up quick. :)

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  64. I dont have any cat scars on my boobs, but before I had kids, when I could run around the house naked, I burned myself on or around the areolas at least 3 times.

    how did I do it 3 times?

    First was a pizza on a flat cookie sheet, it started to slide off the front so I tipped it back...right into my boob.

    Second was me learning the lesson to never fry bacon, eggs, chicken or ANYTHING while naked. Splatter burns all across one side.

    Third was I fell asleep on a heating pad and had 2 dime sized 3rd degree burns on the side of my boob.

    my best solution to bandaging was to tuck gauze pads into my bra. I kept having reactions to any tape I used. It was MONTHS for 1 and 3 t heal, merely weeks for #2.

    I SO sympathize!

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  65. Hubby just had a near cat expirence the other night. My cat was laying across my shoulder in bed, watching me play on the phone, when I coughed. Which startled her and caused her to run across his face using his forehead as leverage. Face wounds bleed soo much! Now he has a pretty good 2" scratch across forehead. I keep asking if I can draw stitches across it or glue a zipper to the edge.

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  66. I've had several instances of cats using my chest as as a launch pad. Happily enough we started trimming their claws regularly ages ago. Once, just hours before our house warming party, our youngest cat decided to freak out and clawed my nose in his haste. I had a mark right in the middle of my nose tip for about a year. Luckily it faded.
    If gauze, superglue or Lansinoh Lanolin doesn't cut it (probably will) there are speacialty band aids. We buy a box meant for fingers or joints which have better shaped bandaids for mobile areas. I also usually have a box of meter long band aid that you cut yourself which is good for long scratches. But band aid glue and fine skin hair is a shiver worthy tought.

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  67. I <3 you, Jen. You lend credence to my theory that everything survivable is worth it, as long as you get a good story out of it!

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  68. Back in my rebellious early twenties, I had pierced nipples, which, to be honest, probably felt similar to what Lily did to you! ;) Anyhow, I also had a shower poof (loofah?). And the poof and my left piercing got entangled one afternoon while showering...and I was unaware until I tried to clean the other boob. Ripped that sucker out. Hurt like mad. Bled like crazy. Band-aids were useless. I second the gauze pads suggestion.

    So, TMI? Nothing like ripping out something that was painful to get in an even more painful manner!

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  69. *laughing hysterically* Yup. Being owned by numerous cats, most of whom find my squishy bits very comfy to loll upon, This...Has Happened to ME. And worse.

    Worse? Yeeeeeaahhh. I used to just carelessly drop my jeans on the closet floor, the easier to step back into the next time I put them on. Until the one time there was a *scorpion* hiding in the jeans. In the *crotch* of the jeans. Which I just stepped right into, tugged up, and.... AAAAAIIEEEEEEE!!! Guarantee you never saw a pair of jeans come back off quicker than that! I stomped the crap out of them too, but never found the body of the scorp. Guess he got away. It hurt fiercely, but not for all that long, actually; only scorpion bite I've ever had, but a memorable one, you know?

    Now I hang up my jeans. And shake them out before putting them on. Shoes, too. Hey, this is the Southwest. It's what we *do*! :)

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  70. This reminds me of the time our cat (when she was a kitten) decided it would be SUCH GREAT FUN to run the length of the hallway and propel herself from the doorway towards my husband while he was sitting on the sofa in his "shorts". With her claws extended. I have tears in my eyes just remembering it.

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  71. I laughed so hard in the middle of my office someone asked me if I was okay. I was having post-traumatic-catscratch-flashbacks. I KNOW THOSE FEELS, BRO.

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  72. sounds like what happened to me a few days ago-though thankfully, no boobs were hurt in my story. my kitty was snuggled up on my chest enjoying her snuggle when I saw a lightening flash, had enough time to register that fact when BOOM goes the thunder. She did that cartoonish scramble to get off me and slashed my belly, my arm and my legs on the way down. damn recliners. and stupid tank top jammies.
    on the nipple front...hahaha...when I was 14, my baby nephew got really hungry, mistook me for his mom and bit me. these were the days before carseats, so I was holding him while mom was driving. she nearly drove the car off the road with my startled scream. hmm, that nephew is now 36- think I should scar him and share that story with him?lol

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  73. Now I know why men always cringe in sympathy when they hear stories about injuries to the nethers. The amount of times I clutched my arms to my nipples from both your story and from the comments - ouch!
    Thanks for sharing this Jen, it was certainly an eye-opener of a story. I'm really surprised how many others had similar stories to share! :)

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  74. Okay, time to share my horrifying(ly embarrassing) nipple story. My bedroom door and the bathroom door meet at the corner of a room. I was just heading into the bedroom and had my hand on the bedroom door and leaned over to close the bathroom door, so I was leaned forward.

    Do you know how much it hurts to close your nipple in a door? Holy crap. And to add insult to injury, I had an infant at the time who was still nursing every couple of hours.

    Yeah. That was fun. ;)

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  75. I can definitely sympathize; holding my rabbit and he startles often. Of course his favorite place to be held is on whomever's chest and then burrowing under the chin. When he startles, he really startles. Always starts clawing - and, natch, of course he always seems to hook a claw in my bra (even though they're not long at all) and you can't let go of a rabbit like you can a cat...
    It's left me with some wonky marks
    ~erin kristine

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  76. This also happened to me, but when I was 10. Still have a scar from the tip to the edge. Was worried about breast feeding, but it didn't seem to effect that at all. SO sorry, as I feel (well felt) your pain!

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  77. Jen in reading through the comment t hink you may have found your next project the nipple patch like a eye patch it may even be made of metal with padding

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  78. BAHAHAHA. So many years ago I had just jumped out of the shower and was heading to the bedroom, my partner at the time asked if I would take dinner off the stove, I did and then leaned over to turn off the burner. Well let me tell you I don't normally cook nude so I totally forgot about gravity and burned my nipple something bad. The worse part of this all was that I was a new mom and breastfeeding which meant I could not put ANYTHING on the burn and I still had to feed/pump. It was the worse pain of my life for a few days and I have a chronic illness ~lol~.

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  79. Get some lanolin. It's the stuff you can use on cracked bleeding nipples from breastfeeding.

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  80. This has absolutely happened to me, almost play for play. At my last annual pap, my gyno asked, "Do you have cats?" and it took me a minute to figure out that she was asking me about the 5-inch-long set of three parallel scratches down the middle of my FUPA.

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    1. Storm the KlingonJune 13, 2013 at 2:18 AM

      Girl, thank you. I just had a total depressive/anxiety freakout situation, and the word "FUPA" makes me laugh myself goofy, no matter how upset I am. It's also shit tons o' fun to say; FUPA FUPA FUPA! I like to sneak up on people and yell "FUPA!" So yeah, thank you, my downer is kicking in now, and you made the wait a bit easier.

      Cheers, and FUPA!

      Storm

      FUN FACT: I first heard FUPA from a Rubinesque drag queen. :)

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  81. I know this is very unthoughtful, but I just laughed so hard, it made my day! (Picture me at home with a tired 4 years old who refuses to nap - and succeeds at it too - and a teething baby. I needed the laughs!)

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  82. OW OW OW OW OW OW

    Mine just went concave in sympathy.

    OW

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  83. Sooo glad I'm not the only one with funny injuries, and I hope you're feeling better soonest!

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  84. I really don't want to spend this amount of time picturing your nipple. Also...ouch!

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  85. I will never laugh at bikini armor again. Your story, though, still giggling! sorry

    Andrea

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  86. How about taking off your bra and finding a tick stuck RIGHT THERE?! Yeah, that was fun too.

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  87. I was once bit on the nose (like a nose piercing) by a cat. Hooh haa hee howww. That HURT!

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  88. I wish I had that armor when I last encountered a goat. Bruises on both the girls from both hooves and horns. Not fun. Guess I was lucky he couldn't hook me with a horn tip.

    btw: has anyone else noticed that guys refer to their wiggly bits as "the boys" and women refer to theirs as "the girls"?

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  89. I had almost the exact same thing happen years ago! I don't remember how we got the bleeding stopped, but I do remember the futility of a bandaid. Later you'll have the joy that is a scab on an ever changing landscape. I do try to monitor the placement of back feet now.

    Thank you for the hearty laughs from your pain! And the other commenters' horror stories.
    Michelle E.

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  90. Oh goodness. I can only imagine your pain.

    But I must say, your choice of cat names is pretty epic. :)

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  91. Actually one practical purpose for bikini armor is in fencing. Plastic bras, frisbees, or if you want to be tactful, "chest protectors" can be one of a girl's very favorite friends. Have you ever been fencing in a parade, with crowds all around you, and been stabbed in the nipple, when not properly protected?? Yeah, if not just take it from me..... bikini armor is worth supporting. :) (amusing part- went to post this and was still signed in to my brother's g-mail account at first) lol.

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  92. Oh, thank you. I'm so sorry, I had piercings in that same body area when I was younger and an idiot, so I understand the pain. However. I literally lol'ed whilst reading this.

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  93. So my cat JUST launched herself off my hip and onto the back of my chair. Good thing MY husband doesn't faint at the sight of blood... :P

    Years and years ago I was a file clerk, and one day I was moving piles and piles of hanging folders from one cabinet to another (in a rush, too...) and when I heaved one pile into a chest-high drawer without paying attention to where the metal bits on the folders were...well, the only reason I didn't scream was because there were mostly men working there and I did NOT want to have to explain that!

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  94. Poor Jen! I'm so sorry (but amused, too).

    I once closed my nipple in a wooden treasure chest that belonged to my son. I was kneeling on the floor in front of it (shirt on, but no bra) when I brought the lid down. Holy flurking schnit! It hurt so much that I bit the insides of my cheeks to keep from screaming, and then of course I had raw cheeks AND an injured nipple.

    Like several other people on here, I've also made the mistake of cooking in the nude. NOT smart!

    In other news, I'm NEVER getting a cat now.

    Wishing your nipple a speedy recovery,
    KW

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  95. Omg Jen! Ouch! In between bouts of laughter, the only thing I could thing was that there are better ways to go about piercing your nipple! LOL

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  96. Face, collarbone, legs, feet have all been cat-scratch victims. My worst cat injury, though, was when we discovered that our extremely skittish Persian had mushed post-digestive residue into her furry little bottom. In trying to get her clean...the blasted thing bit me in the fleshy part of my hand. Not a nip...a "I have a five-pound animal dangling from my hand by her fangs" bite. Screaming ensued.

    (As for the cooking...I've never burned myself while cooking in an underclad state, but I DID manage to iron my eight-and-a-half-months-pregnant belly when I was trying to press an outfit in a hurry.)

    Disposable nursing pads might help keep your boo-boo a bit more comfortable while it heals...

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  97. Owie, owie, owie, owie!

    On the bright side, I LOVE that you have named your cats Lily and Tonks. Beautiful. :D

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  98. Brilliant writing, thanks for the laugh Jen!!

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  99. Seconding the suggestion for Lansinoh or Neosporin and gauze pads.

    I well remember being 14 and holding a sleeping cat on my chest when my younger brother came into the room to vacuum. He thought it would be brilliant to "just see what the cat would do" if he waved the nozzle of the running vacuum past her head. What she did was maul me in her panic. I walked into ballet class later that day covered in bandages: scratched from collarbone to breast, across the belly, and down the length of one arm. Sibling violence may have ensued.

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  100. You want an eye bandage for that! They flex well and have a huge pad so you can keep the glue off the most sensitive areas.

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  101. Been there, done that. Gauze in the bra works just fine. And put the kitty pedicure on the calendar!

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  102. ROTFL!!! My co-worker came over to see if I was ok! Having cats myself I can so relate to this, though thankfully I have never had a, ah, sensitive body part scratched.

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  103. OUCH! Because you shared I will share something right back. :) Don't EVER, and I mean EVER cook bacon without a bra on. Don't lean over the pan that is full of bacon grease without your boobs properly contained. Mine fell forward into the hot bacon grease. I had to go to the doctor and have him look at my third degree burned nipple. OUCH. It healed ok but it was extremely painful and I have never made bacon without a bra since! :) I've also had a reduction since then so maybe they wouldn't flop into the grease now. lol.

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  104. OMG, There should have been a disclaimer not to read this at work. I was laughing so loud my cube mates had to come see what was going on.

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  105. I feel your pain.
    I had an accident at work, with a full pot of coffee, and a dishwasher slamming through the kitchen door. The door hit the coffee pot, broke it, and the coffee soaked the right side of my chest. I wound up in the ER with a huge blister that popped, and a doctor making jokes about frosting a cake while he was slathering silvadene on the burn. Bra-less for 3 wks. They gave me a mesh tube to wear that held the bandages in place.

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  106. I breast fed a baby for a year- I feel your pain! I once got chomped so hard I though a piranha plant had my nip. She was eating a way and some noise or another startled her and she bit down.This was a 3 week old baby- no teeth just gums forged in the fires of Mount Doom or something.
    I had to wait for her to finish, ice it down, concoct a gauze and tape tepee since band aid does not make nipple wound covers and still let the baby eat off it every other day until it healed!
    Ditto gauze nursing pads- my injury was the only time I actually used the box my lactation consultant gave me. I prefer the soft washable kind (witch you can make out of really soft old tee-shirts).

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  107. And then this morning my nipple got caught in the handle of scissors. No idea how that happened, but I was glad it was the handle and that I was wearing clothes!

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  108. Once, quite a long time ago now, we had two orphaned kittens (much too young to be separated from their mommy) who always needed to snuggle. I didn't even think about it when they snuggled up as I started to nurse my baby. After she fell asleep and dropped off...one of the kittens smelled the milk and latched on! *&^%$#@!!! It's like nursing a *&^%$#@! sewing machine! Two tiny sets of needle sharp teeth.....My dear hubs was laughing too hard to be any help. They say time heals all wounds--but I am not totally sure about that!

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  109. OOOOOWWWWWWWW!!! I have a scar on that particular sensitive body part from a nursing child with tongue tie. I'll spare you the details but the afore-mentioned baby was 4 months old before I could nurse her without pain. I apologize to anyone who's terrified of nursing now that they've read my comment.

    There are lots of ways to help injuries on that body part heal, but I bet you've gotten tons of advice in the above comments. (I see quite a few just glancing through.) So I'll just say that Epsom salt soaks felt amazing and some sort of soothing, healthy moisturizer (coconut oil, shea butter, lanolin, etc.) was really nice, too.

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  110. Firstly, I agree with all of the lansinoh comments. Darth's adorable baby girl had a bad latch too and lansinoh was my bff for six of my thirteen months of nursing.
    In a related vein, don't ever try to use those orange handled package opening shears without a bra on. I pulled my armsin close to my chest in order to give myself a little more leverage and ended up pinching my nipple in between the flat ends. Almost died!!

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  111. I don't usually laugh at others misfortune, but golly that was funny! Wishing you fast healing!

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  112. A year ago, I would have just thought, "Oh no! That must be awful, I hope it gets better soon!" Now, I have an 8 month that I nurse, so my thought was "Oh no! That hurts! At least she doesn't have someone continuously pulling on it in that painful state, it should get better soon!" lol! I am sure you have tons of bf'ing moms giving you advice, so I won't repeat it. Just listen to them! :)

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  113. Oh my goodness, that is both hilarious and horrifying. You had me laughing out loud though. Band-aids and the "ever-changing landscape"... LOL

    ~Jeccaess

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  114. Oh goodness.
    I laughed so hard.
    Jen... you are a beautiful person. My house is currently threatned by the Black Forest Fire. I've been terrified and lost for two days. I read your blog and laughed and laughed and laughed. Thank you.

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  115. Storm the KlingonJune 13, 2013 at 2:37 AM

    Yeah, Team Gauzepad and Tape, all the way. This is also the only combo that will work on the bikini-line area; band-aids are utterly useless. TMI ALERT (can't say I didn't warn you freaks); I had an ingrown bikini-line hair that went horribly wrong, and needed the application of strong antibiotic ointment for several weeks, which necessitated a well-applied dressing (both to protect the sore AND my clothing). Bits of folded gauze and fabric tape (which is somehow stickier than paper tape, whose glue was not only weak, but very irritating) laid down in an X was the only way to go. Band-aids is for chumps! They're not meant for any area that stretches or moves in a major way, besides maybe knees or elbows. If any of you sisters have a bikini-line mishap, tape and gauze, trust me.

    I still have a scar on my leg from the last time my Vulcan's Weegie cat had a go at me, shortly before she died suddenly back in April, and I kinda hope the scar stays, so I have something to remember her by. She was evil, so she'd like that.

    Cheers, and protect those tittehs from the kittehs!

    Storm

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  116. I can not believe you posted that! I have followed both your blogs for quite a while and none have made me laugh this hard. you're nuts! Thanks for making my day, and I really hope my internet time gets audited at work today, so you can make the auditor's day too :) ha!

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  117. Oh my gosh! I just laughed so hard at this blog post! I'm actually crying!! I hope you heal ok with no long term effects, but this was freakin' hilarious!

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  118. Oh my lord. I am so sorry for your injury (and all of everyone else's too!)... And I feel perfectly awful about how hard I laughed all the way through the post and the comments.following. Honestly, I had to stop multiple times to sop up the tears. I apologize for laughing, but oh my word, the visuals running through my mind.... Thank you, one and all, for sharing your pain. There's nothing like a good endorphin release to make a person's day, is there?

    Merry from Annie's Book Stop/Sharon, MA

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  119. HAHAHAHAHA oh my god... that sucks. It reminded me of one time when I slammed my nipple in my laptop. I was wearing a shirt, but no bra. I'm still not exactly sure how it happened....

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  120. Holy cow, OUCH. I am sorry about the fact that you got hurt but...I laughed out loud. :) Not at you of course, just your story telling ability. :)

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  121. Pictures or it didn't happen

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  122. So, when I read this a few weeks ago, I didn't have anything to contribute. But, my kitten (Minerva, as in McGonagall :))now has an eye infection and I have to put ointment in her eyes 3 times a day...I not only need that boob armor, I also need stomach, arm, hand, leg, and toe armor. She is currently hiding in the couch and I am nursing my newest wounds.

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